What am I?

Is there a pattern here? Who are all these men and why are they in my life? Three are in relationships with other people, three have tried having a relationship with me that didn’t work out, one is looking to start, one is like a yoyo. The only common denominator is me. What am I to them? Convenient? Fun? Easy? A pushover?

And here it is, 8 hours later. One of them wants to die for me. One of them wants to fall for me. One wants to fuck me on his schedule. One wants to flirt with me, and one is ignoring me. And I’m going to bed alone.

And, quite frankly, I’m fed the fuck up with the whole lot of them and wish they’d go away and leave me alone.

Except one. All of them except one.

Dammit.

Seriously

Have I told you about this salad yet? I’m drooling because I want to post this and start eating. What version of me gets excited about salad?? I swear, I’ve never been excited about any food that was even reasonably good for me in my life! (I’m just gonna go with it. *winky face*)

Strawberries

Avocado

Cucumber

Pecans

Feta

Lettuce

Chicken

Salt & pepper

Poppy seed dressing

Mwah!!!!

No name and stuff

I have a date tonight. A “getting to know you” coffee with a guy I met in my phone. What shall we call him, I wonder? Maybe I’ll wait until after I meet him in person to find an appropriate label. Or maybe I’ll never talk to him again after tonight. Only time will tell at this point.

I hope he isn’t a dork. I hope we like each other. Would be nice to find someone to spend time with again. Someone who doesn’t already have a girlfriend, that is. Not that I’m planning to give up Unionguy any time soon.

I took the Gem out for a birthday lunch today, she turns 10 tomorrow. Her father wrote on his blog that she was so hurt by me, and bothered to be moving into his new girlfriend’s house. Made me feel kind of guilty, a common sensation when it cones to him. But now I think he’s full of shit, also a common sensation when it comes to him. She seems fine, excited even. She was bragging about her new bedroom and fancy loft bed that Cate got for her. Sounds like she’s spoiling them both. Sounds like it’s time for me to stop reading his blog.

I started posting on my Tumblr again (that’s where we met and where I read his crap). I think I was looking for a way to connect with him in a kind of 3rd party way, to be in contact without direct communication. But I am already censoring myself and avoiding any topic that might hurt him. I don’t even know if he knows about it yet but we have a lot of friends in common so I’m sure he’d find it eventually. Today he wrote that the fear of letting go is worse than the pain of remembering. Why do I keep making this my problem?

It’s stormy here this afternoon. All I want to do is put in my headphones and dig in the dirt but instead I’ll just have to sit and wait for a couple of hours until it’s time to get ready to go out. Maybe the weather will be reasonable this weekend and I’ll get into it then.

Poop.

Secret

I’m smoking again. Just one a day, two on weekends sometimes. I know it’s completely stupid and I’m taking a big chance. I quit in 2005 after 23 years as a smoker. If I knew anyone who was doing this I’d say they were a complete idiot. But, quite frankly, it’s feeding my need for mini rebellion. So I’m doing it for now but keeping it a secret. I need to determine an end date, when I move or when I start seeing someone maybe (when I have a stroke? Lol), but for now I’m just doing it and not worrying about the consequences. I feel the effects of even one a day already. How long has it been? Three weeks maybe. I don’t know. Whatever. I’m bored and lonely, it’s giving me a giggle, I’m doing it. 😋

Something you should know about me

I always get my own way. And if things don’t go the way I plan, I choose a different way to get my way. But I always end up getting my way. That’s part of what makes me me! 😁

(Obviously more than a little proud of myself for getting out of the meeting I was trying to figure out how to avoid today. And the sun is shining so beer, smoke and pressure wash. I love me.)

Part 2 – On the other hand

On the other hand, this could very well be the best relationship I’ve ever been in. Aside from high school (and possibly including high school now that I think about it), I’m pretty sure this is the longest I have been with/wanted someone without moving in with them and discovering that I actually can’t stand them very much (that only happened, like, four times or whatever… so far… lol). I can’t remember consistently loving someone this much for this long. And a large part of that might be because I can’t have him.

There is a very good chance that, if he dumped his girlfriend and came to me with promises of love and forever, I would have turned the whole thing off.

Instead, I write him a text to say I want him and he will show up at my door. I get to love him and pine for him at the same time. I get all the good, the conversation and advice, the drama and anticipation, the amazing amazing amazing sex, and I don’t have to do all of the work of being in a relationship.

Yes, it’s true, I want the work but I’m looking for the bright side here so shut the hell up.

😀

Part one – What saddens me

What saddens me most is that I never go the opportunity to know him, really know him. Beyond the pleasantries and advice, beyond the bedroom and flirting. I wish I’d known all of him, the whole package.

And I wanted him to know me. To know how much I would be happy to rub ointment on his legs when they are hurting, to make him a sandwich, to tease and argue with him. I wanted to give to him, although I still don’t know if he is capable of receiving in that manner.

What do I know? Maybe knowing him that way would have shown me why we shouldn’t be together. Maybe she gives to him in that way so he doesn’t need it from me. Maybe the end would have been the same, no matter what happened in the middle. It makes me sad. That is all.

Nothing

The hardest thing for me in this moment is to do nothing. I know Miul is struggling and I want so much to help. But that would help me, not him. Does that make sense? I truly believe that reaching out to him would keep his feelings for me current and present, without me they will eventually fade. I can’t be with him anymore, I won’t. It’s not even a consideration. Nothing would change in the long run and we would just have to go through all of this again. And I just don’t have those feelings for him anymore.

But I so want to help. Perhaps I need to help him by staying away. And maybe I need to help me by not reading his blog a hundred times a day.

I’m also struggling with my need to ‘do’ in other areas of my life. I need something to happen. Will I get this job and move again? Will something else happen that will make me stay? Can’t I make my decisions yet?? Obviously the answer is no. I don’t have all of the information needed So I have to wait until I do. And I’m not going to get drunk and stoned while I wait. I mean maybe a little (*teehee*) but I’m not going to get lost in it like I usually do.

I have lots of things I can do instead. Work outside the house on nice days, paint and clean inside on crappy days. My job is uber boring right now but there are things I can do to pass the time.

Argh. Controlling these moods and frustrations are rough. I don’t know what I’d do without my house. Well, I guess I do know – I’d get stoned, if eat too much, I’d sleep a lot. So thankful I don’t have to revert to that again.