Fine

What are you going to do now Bev? Are you going to gain 40 pounds? Push away all of your friends? Spend the few dollars you have on anything bad for you and/or detrimental to your health?

Nah, I’m going to get up and get back to work. Those are the brakes. I controlled what I could control and I did it well, that’s all I can do and I couldn’t have done better. I don’t know what happens next. I have a serious issue with the job I’m doing now, but I’m not going to rush around searching for something else to do. I have some other things I can concentrate on. I’ll be okay. I’ll be fine. Truly.

Stressed

I’m feeling super stressed today. Someone referred to my colleague as the “new boss” and the little mean girl was making faces after I made a joke in our morning meeting. Not a big deal but just minor frustrations adding up. In two days the interview will be over and it will be out of my hands. I’m REALLY looking forward to that moment! 

Joy has become Lucy

It was funny to tell Dateguy about Lucy but it makes me a little sad. Like letting go a bit more. Letting Joy go. Damn, Joy really liked Peter.

But you know something? If I get this job, Unionguy will be in my life for another 5 years or so. And it would be inappropriate for us to screw around. So we could be friends, legitimately!

That’s not why I want the job, like, I probably won’t mention it in my interview, but definitely an added bonus. Manifest destiny, right?

Gotta go study! Intention will only give me the drive, the rest is manual labour. And I’m excited to do it!

Step 2

Today I was given an appointment for my first interview, which will be by phone on Thursday. 

I’ve spent the rest of the day wishing I had a cheat sheet of questions so I can start preparing. It’s harder by phone sometimes because you don’t have the advantage of seeing their expression and body language. On the other hand, I guess, they won’t see me fumble or pick my nose so you have to take the bad with the good. 

How will I prepare? I’m going to get exercising again, to start. And then ill review the notes of ideas I’ve been entering in notebooks for the past near decade. Maybe I’ll try writing out answers to expected questions. I wish I could talk it out more with someone, out loud practice. That is a bit of a struggle for me. I’m pretty easy going, which will be beneficial on the job because it allows me to be open minded and flexible, however, it also makes it hard to stay focused and express myself sometimes. I’m sure I’ll do well enough to get to the next level but I want this woman to hang up the phone and think – wow, this chick really has it all figured out!

Wish me luck!

Progress 

So, I had a minor melt down this afternoon. I had planned to smoke some weed this weekend and have been trying to get some since Tuesday, unsuccessfully. I felt frustrated and a wee bit childish from my reaction, if you want to know the truth, even going so far as to wonder if I have a problem. But I haven’t had any for a month or more and haven’t really wanted it, so I figure that wasn’t the issue. 

My stress levels have gotten near catastrophic, though, so I ripped into my bottle of spiced rum to see if I could get into my subconscious and figure out what’s going on. (My conscious self and subconscious self aren’t great at communicating with each other.)

First of all, I’m up for a promotion at work. The job I have been working toward for nearly a decade is imminent and, as excited as I feel, I’m also stressing the fuck out. I’m mildly worried that I won’t get it but mostly worried that I will. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ready for this, I’m excited, it’s a damn big dream come true for me and I want to seriously kick some fucking ass, but what if I fail? What if I suck? What if my confidence is cockiness and I am heading down the path of destruction?

I don’t honestly think that is the case. It will be challenging, it will be a lot if work and a huge huge commitment but I’m ready and I want it. I want it so bad I can taste it. Tastes like strawberries, sweet success.

The other issue, shock of all shocks, is the boy thing. But I think I’ve come to a conclusion on that as well. The answer is: there are no answers yet. I’m so worried about telling Unionguy and being vulnerable to Date Guy and what about POF dude, whom I’m still talking to and have been since before Date guy came onto the scene. Who do I choose? Am I ready? What do I say?

Nothing. I will maintain the status quo and see what life brings me. There’s nothing to choose yet, no answers are close at hand. If I’m afraid of opening up then I’m not ready to open up. If I’m not sure what to tell -or even if to tell, then there’s nothing yet to tell. I don’t have to be in a sexual relationship with all of them but so what if I am? It’s my body and my heart and my choice. And quite frankly, I really don’t want to be fooling around with more than one at a time already, but overlap happens (especially during ovulation horniness! 😊). 

We’ll see, me. We’ll see. But right now POF guy has sent a couple of messages so I’m off to see what’s up. Check you later, mofo! Muah.

Number 3

My boss said my eyes lit up as I was telling her about my date last night. I feel a little giggly.

[Before I go further, I would like to digress for a moment to comment on something. Several times since I started talking to him, including a moment ago, I would see a notification for a random email on my phone and a thought would sweep through my mind so quickly it was barely perceptible. That it would be an email from date guy, saying he doesn’t want to continue seeing me. I’m interested to know that the very idea of that happening makes my heart feel heavy. Also, he doesn’t even have my email address so stop being an idiot, me!]

Anyway… back to lighter things… 

We went for a walk last night and then came to my place for an impromptu dinner. While I was in the kitchen he tinkered around on the piano and then I asked him to pull out my guitar (which I don’t know how to play) and see if it’s a piece of junk like Miul said. Date guy said it’s not bad at all, then he tuned it, then he started playing/singing and my vagina started humming along. Lol

We ate, he had seconds, then dessert and watched a comedy show. I snuggled into him on my very uncomfortable 50 year old sofa and I think it nearly broke his back but he said it was worth it. 

We’re going out again on Saturday. I want to see him naked. I want to kiss him and touch him. I want to know. 

I’m horny as hell and, while I momentarily considered asking Unionguy if he wants to drop by tomorrow, I don’t think I will. I’ll wait and let it build with date guy and see if we have anything here. I think we might. How fun/scary/exciting/nice. 

I feel very good around him. He makes me feel calm and cared for. So far, so far.

Bubble mending 

I’ve been pretty bummed out for the past couple of days, ever since that confrontation with my super charming coworker. How is it that, no matter how confident you are, no matter how much you believe in yourself and know without a doubt that you are a good person, the person you always wanted to be, how is it that as soon as someone says otherwise it feels like the rug is pulled out from under you?

It’s not that I agreed with her, it’s not that I value her opinion even a tiny little bit. In fact, I wouldn’t really care if she fell off the face of the earth. I don’t care what she thinks and, while I see that she has certain strengths in her work, I don’t think she is very good at her job overall. (In fact, her sense of that might be the reason she acted so terribly toward me. Minipiphany!)

So why? Why did her words affect me the way they did? Why did I cry so long and so often? Why did I want to run away, why did I feel like hiding? Why did I start feeling suspicious of everyone I was interacting with, wondering if they thought those awful things about me as well? 

I think it was a combination of things. One, old habits and insecurities die hard. My underlying sense of worthlessness only came to the surface and was dealt with a short while ago. 

I spent most of my adult life thinking people didn’t much like me once they got to know me. Overwhelmingly, people tend to really like me when they first meet me. I’m outgoing and friendly, I am open and relatable. This is not my ego, simply things people have been saying to me my whole life. I’ve always felt that an overwhelming majority of them change their mind in time. (It’s hard to be around someone so awesome all the time!! Lol) (That or people think I’m weird.)
Also, there is a frustration and powerlessness in not knowing if other people are being genuine in their dealings with you. I’ve worked very hard to hone my instincts, to get a sense of how many faces someone has and I feel I’m reasonably adept at knowing when people are full of shit. This just blind-sided me though. I had no idea she felt these awful things and it made me want to question judgements about others. 

And fight or flight, I guess. They say most of us do one or the other. If you asked me a week ago, I never would have agreed that my reaction would be flight because I’ve always thought of that as an indication of fear. But I just wanted to turn it off, I wanted it to go away. I’ve done that before, shut down and walked away. But I will only do that after determining that it isn’t worth the fight.  

My job? My career? My reputation? My future? MY BUBBLE?? That is worth fighting for. And I will do what I feel is necessary to take that fucker down if I have to.*


* And by take her down, I mean be professional and work along side her.**


** For now. For now. 

Wednes-whata-day!

Lunch!

Then sex! Amazing amazing sex!

Pretty much nothing but happiness and sunshine since. Got stoned, ate junk food, napped a few times, rode my battery operated boyfriend once or twice, went to work, hung out with really fantastic people, and lived my life for me.

It’s getting a little boring now, though. I’m ready to try again. Time to get up and get busy. 

What will I accomplish? Nobody knows.

I’m excited to find out. 

Tonight

I brought my mom to a work thing tonight. She sat with all of the old people in the audience and watched me and my co-workers do some line dancing. And I laughed because I felt like that kid who would call out to mom in the bleachers at skating practice “did you see me mom? did I do good?” That is who I was but I guess it is also who I am again. 
I always tell people that working with seniors means I spend my days with 100 of my grandparents. They are kind and supportive and they always tell me when I’ve done good. Probably more importantly, they also let me know when I can do better. They believe in me which always makes me want to try harder.

It is a very good life.