Five for Friday

Okay, seeing as I have lost my Tumblr privileges as I was composing a FFF post, I’m putting it here instead 😝 Many of these topics will become separate posts… someday… maybe…

1. I’ve decided to stop seeing Freckles but am kind of unsure of how to go about it. He’s moving closer to his work in a couple of weeks so I’ll probably let that be the reason.

2. I really like my new boss. I think she has come into my life to help teach me how to be me.

3. Unionguy *umph*

4. I tremendously enjoyed binge watching all four seasons of Being Erica on Netflix but I’m sad it’s over. It has so many good messages – i.e. the future is not set, our choices have consequences, you can only control yourself and must accept other’s free will, etc. It’s a purely Canadian show and is set in the general area where I love so it was also fun to recognize places and Ontario references that I missed when I watched the first couple seasons while living in Newfoundland in 2011.

5. A really cool thing happened at work today that I’m excited to write about in my professional blog. A young man noticed one of our residents looked unsteady while out for a walk and offered to help him get home. Imagine his surprise when he found out that this man was a Stanley Cup winner who’s tragic career ending accident changed the face of hockey forever. I love seeing younger generations find out that the elderly are people with a rich history and well worth getting to know.

6. In this exact moment, I love everything about my life. I love my home and the work it requires, I love my job and the lessons I am learning, I love my family and that I’ll get to see those I am closest with tomorrow, I love my friends and the multi-generational support system they honoir me with, I love my romantic life and the fact that I get to make decisions based on who I am instead of who I’ve been told I should be – and the sex, oh god, the sex!

7. I love my body, the work it can do, the pleasure it provides. I am taking new steps toward looking on the outside as I am on the inside. And surprise surprise, I’m still learning every day that it has nothing to do with my weight. It does, however, have a lot to do with my hair – time for a new cut!

8. Five? Ha. I laugh in the face of rules!

Third date-ish

Before I started seeing Miul, my friends and family used to say I was too picky in my relationships. I would date someone once or twice and find something I didn’t like and move on to the next one. No one is going to be perfect, they said, you have to take the bad with the good. I was alone for a long time so I figured maybe they were right.

Then I met Miul and tried it their way. We met online so most of our interaction was email, text and Skype. There were things about him that frustrated me but those things were easy to push aside and ignore. And his beautiful words were so right that I let anything wrong slide. I travelled to meet him twice before I moved here and broke up with him both times. But hope for the best (thanks marijuana!) and my loved ones’ voices in my head told me to keep trying so I did. For five years I tried.

Then I met Unionguy and my faith in the possibility that I could meet someone who didn’t drive me completely up the wall was renewed. I left Miul to open my life to that someone. Even if it wasn’t Unionguy that I ended up with, I knew I needed to keep looking until I found someone like him.

Now I’m back to looking, dating, trying. And most guys hold no interest for me. Dateguy didn’t work out. Freckles, quite frankly, irritates me a little more every time I see him – I’ve only seen him three times and I’m already done I think. I hoped it might be okay to just spend time with him even if he isn’t the one I’m looking for but I think it would be selfish of me to do that.

So, here I am again. Still. I know Unionguy isn’t the one either, he’s just the closest I’ve found. And I’m keeping him in my life for as long as I can, until I find Unionguy 2.0 if I have my way. There is no way I am giving up my outrageously unbelievably amazing wonderful sex until I have no other choice. Umph.

Satisfied

Unionguy came over tonight. I tell you, that man not only rocks my world – he rules it. We talked for an hour, made love for an hour, cuddled and talked an giggled for another hour, one more intense oh so amazing orgasm before he went home.

I have never felt so myself as I do with him. He is the person I call when I’m excited or need to vent or release my stresses. He satisfies me like no one ever has; physically, spiritually, mentally. I have resigned myself to the fact that we won’t be together as I used to dream we would but he is the yard stick now, everyone else for the rest of my days will be measured against him. Not too big, not too small, just right. Just. Right.

What am I?

Is there a pattern here? Who are all these men and why are they in my life? Three are in relationships with other people, three have tried having a relationship with me that didn’t work out, one is looking to start, one is like a yoyo. The only common denominator is me. What am I to them? Convenient? Fun? Easy? A pushover?

And here it is, 8 hours later. One of them wants to die for me. One of them wants to fall for me. One wants to fuck me on his schedule. One wants to flirt with me, and one is ignoring me. And I’m going to bed alone.

And, quite frankly, I’m fed the fuck up with the whole lot of them and wish they’d go away and leave me alone.

Except one. All of them except one.

Dammit.

No name and stuff

I have a date tonight. A “getting to know you” coffee with a guy I met in my phone. What shall we call him, I wonder? Maybe I’ll wait until after I meet him in person to find an appropriate label. Or maybe I’ll never talk to him again after tonight. Only time will tell at this point.

I hope he isn’t a dork. I hope we like each other. Would be nice to find someone to spend time with again. Someone who doesn’t already have a girlfriend, that is. Not that I’m planning to give up Unionguy any time soon.

I took the Gem out for a birthday lunch today, she turns 10 tomorrow. Her father wrote on his blog that she was so hurt by me, and bothered to be moving into his new girlfriend’s house. Made me feel kind of guilty, a common sensation when it cones to him. But now I think he’s full of shit, also a common sensation when it comes to him. She seems fine, excited even. She was bragging about her new bedroom and fancy loft bed that Cate got for her. Sounds like she’s spoiling them both. Sounds like it’s time for me to stop reading his blog.

I started posting on my Tumblr again (that’s where we met and where I read his crap). I think I was looking for a way to connect with him in a kind of 3rd party way, to be in contact without direct communication. But I am already censoring myself and avoiding any topic that might hurt him. I don’t even know if he knows about it yet but we have a lot of friends in common so I’m sure he’d find it eventually. Today he wrote that the fear of letting go is worse than the pain of remembering. Why do I keep making this my problem?

It’s stormy here this afternoon. All I want to do is put in my headphones and dig in the dirt but instead I’ll just have to sit and wait for a couple of hours until it’s time to get ready to go out. Maybe the weather will be reasonable this weekend and I’ll get into it then.

Poop.

Part 2 – On the other hand

On the other hand, this could very well be the best relationship I’ve ever been in. Aside from high school (and possibly including high school now that I think about it), I’m pretty sure this is the longest I have been with/wanted someone without moving in with them and discovering that I actually can’t stand them very much (that only happened, like, four times or whatever… so far… lol). I can’t remember consistently loving someone this much for this long. And a large part of that might be because I can’t have him.

There is a very good chance that, if he dumped his girlfriend and came to me with promises of love and forever, I would have turned the whole thing off.

Instead, I write him a text to say I want him and he will show up at my door. I get to love him and pine for him at the same time. I get all the good, the conversation and advice, the drama and anticipation, the amazing amazing amazing sex, and I don’t have to do all of the work of being in a relationship.

Yes, it’s true, I want the work but I’m looking for the bright side here so shut the hell up.

😀

Part one – What saddens me

What saddens me most is that I never go the opportunity to know him, really know him. Beyond the pleasantries and advice, beyond the bedroom and flirting. I wish I’d known all of him, the whole package.

And I wanted him to know me. To know how much I would be happy to rub ointment on his legs when they are hurting, to make him a sandwich, to tease and argue with him. I wanted to give to him, although I still don’t know if he is capable of receiving in that manner.

What do I know? Maybe knowing him that way would have shown me why we shouldn’t be together. Maybe she gives to him in that way so he doesn’t need it from me. Maybe the end would have been the same, no matter what happened in the middle. It makes me sad. That is all.

Nothing

The hardest thing for me in this moment is to do nothing. I know Miul is struggling and I want so much to help. But that would help me, not him. Does that make sense? I truly believe that reaching out to him would keep his feelings for me current and present, without me they will eventually fade. I can’t be with him anymore, I won’t. It’s not even a consideration. Nothing would change in the long run and we would just have to go through all of this again. And I just don’t have those feelings for him anymore.

But I so want to help. Perhaps I need to help him by staying away. And maybe I need to help me by not reading his blog a hundred times a day.

I’m also struggling with my need to ‘do’ in other areas of my life. I need something to happen. Will I get this job and move again? Will something else happen that will make me stay? Can’t I make my decisions yet?? Obviously the answer is no. I don’t have all of the information needed So I have to wait until I do. And I’m not going to get drunk and stoned while I wait. I mean maybe a little (*teehee*) but I’m not going to get lost in it like I usually do.

I have lots of things I can do instead. Work outside the house on nice days, paint and clean inside on crappy days. My job is uber boring right now but there are things I can do to pass the time.

Argh. Controlling these moods and frustrations are rough. I don’t know what I’d do without my house. Well, I guess I do know – I’d get stoned, if eat too much, I’d sleep a lot. So thankful I don’t have to revert to that again.

And then some

I had a really good couple of days. Three hours hard labour in the front yard yesterday, three hours in the back today. Felt good, looks good, life’s good.

I also sent an email to Miul this morning to say once and for all -again- that we won’t be getting back together. He wrote in his blog that he wanted to “shrink up and disappear.” I hope I sent it in time for him to fix whatever he has screwed up with his girlfriend. He only has 10 days left in his apartment and he’s going to need somewhere to go. He’s been pushing her away thinking that he has a chance with me. He’s also talking about “going away” a lot (which means he wants to kill himself). I’m hoping he doesn’t back himself into a corner and feel like he has no choice. We talked about it when I met him down by the lake a couple of weeks ago. I hope he finds a way back out of the hell he puts himself through. Only time will tell, I guess.

Last night I sent a text to Dateguy to say no hard feelings. He hadn’t spoken to me in nearly two weeks after my drunken bullshit tantrum so I figured he was done with me and I should do the polite thing.

I reactivated my dating profile the other day but I was thinking about it in the garden today and decided I would be happy to be on my own for a while. I’ll still need the sex from time to time but not the romantic drama. So I’ll find a new bedroom playmate, but concentrate on getting a GM job and giving all of my love and attention to my residents.

Of course about an hour later I got a message from Dateguy and we started chatting, cleared the air more than anything. I don’t know, I might let him take me out if he asks. I might let him into my bed if we go out. I’m not going to worry about it too much. I don’t see a long term relationship with him anyway so I’m sure things will figure themselves out.

Weird day. But a good day. I’ll take it and run, thank you very much.

Dream come true

At 5am I woke from a dream in which I was giving my brother some serious shit. As I came to consciousness I continued telling him off, and then I started in on Miul, and then was about to start in on Unionguy when I realized something amazing – I figured out what is wrong.

I knew I was missing something since Miul have been apart, I knew it was something he not necessarily gave me but brought out in me. And all this time I couldn’t put my finger on it. I thought it was my nice, my compassion but I am that in my job. I thought it might be feelings of love, but I have lots of love for my sister, for Unionguy, for the people at my work. Whatever it was, I knew it was steadily slipping away from me until that chick from work spewed her venum all over me in March and then it was gone. I’ve been looking for it ever since. I thought I had it figured out. Maybe I still don’t. But, for epiphany’s sake, today I discovered I lost my anger. No, not anger, drive. My fight.

My relationship with Miul was very turbulent. It was good, it was bad, and we would always get to a point where things would come to a head, we would fight it out and clear the air. I don’t get to clear the air very much anymore. I repress, I keep things inside again and it is starting to eat away at me. Again. I try to push it down with drugs and alcohol, lately I’ve been feeding it with junk food and, yes, cigarettes (still only one, but half of that one two days in a row). I need to exercise it to the surface and beat the shit out of it again. And, perhaps I need someone in my life that I can be real and open with again. Will that ever happen? I don’t know.

What I do know is these feelings of worthlessness have been slipping back into my life. I have lost the will or freedom or ability or means to fight it out. And I’m not going to walk around telling everyone that frustrates me how I feel about them, it doesn’t help anything. But I do need to do two things: let that shit out, and stop feeling that way.

I could call my brother out of the blue and tell him what a selfish, self-involved asshole I think he is. What would that accomplish? We already barely have a thread of a relationship and, even though his attitude and manner drives me crazy, telling him all this shit isn’t going to make him suddenly say “ohmygod, Bev, you’re right! how could I have not seen this before? thank you so much!”

I could tell Miul that I think he is his own worst enemy, that it is his focus on himself that is going to kill him if he lets it. It will make him say “you’re right, Bev, I am worthless and I might as well kill myself.” I really do want that fucking cat but I don’t want him to die to get it.

So maybe instead I need to tell myself, as I did, recognize that anger, own it, let it out and beat the shit out of it. Get some gumption again, lady, and get the fuck up already. You make all these promises and you don’t keep them. You go in circles, thinking drugs and booze and junk food are your medicine, taking dose after dose, thinking it will help but all it does is push you down further and further. You think you are your friend but you are becoming your own worst enemy – again. Get pissed off already! You can do better, you can do so much fucking better.

I know. I’ve been up for an hour, cleaned up my office, going to go exercise and eat a healthy breakfast and go out into the world ready to kick some serious ass. But at some point something will be said or inferred that hurts my feelings, someone will do something that pisses me off, I’ll get a text or an email and it will drain me of my resolve. How will I keep this going? How will I remember? That’ll be the challenge, I guess. Am I ready for it? Fuck yes, motherfucker! Let’s go!