This is so much better

It feels different. Fun. Free. I don’t know if he notices a difference but I certainly do. 

It’s even better, dammit!!!!!

See? That’s why I’m always comfortable going through a shitty time, when I don’t know how things are going to work out, but it seems pretty bad. Because the other side of the fence? Where everything is greener? It’s amazing. 

He didn’t use his safe word even once! I bet he wanted to.

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My first thought when I woke was Oh no, I slept in! I’m going to be late! What time is it? When am I supposed to be there? Where am I supposed to be? Wait. What day is this? Am I… Where am I… But… Oh, I already went there and then came home and fell asleep and I’m an idiot and I have sheet dents in my face and pretty much all over my body and the day is half over now. Where’s my phone? I need to write this shit down. Why do I need to record this? It happens all the time. Post.

Sometimes things are exactly what they seem

Am I not being the person I think I am? The person I say I am?

My mouth got me in trouble at work again, I’m trying to course correct but the fucking hot air blowing from them is knocking me over. I don’t like dealing with people who two face me, I don’t want to work for someone I don’t trust. They did earn a bit of my trust today, but only if they were speaking the truth. I believe they were genuine but who am I to say?

Was I speaking the truth? Who are they to say? Did they believe me? And due to the fact that they have no way to know for sure (unless they have crazy solid proof, which they would have brought up), it matters whether they believe me or not.

A part of me wanted to scream “How dare you, sir? How. Dare. You. I would never speak that way and if you had any respect for me, you would know I wouldn’t. I make every effort to live in a way that speaks my truth, and my truth is not that my sister residence is not ‘the ugly step-child.'” But at the same time, all I could think was “Did I? Did I say that? Would I say that?” And the answer was no. I wouldn’t say that because I don’t believe it, I don’t believe in it. I applied for the sales position over there, too, and for the GM position. I spent a lot of time studying how I would sell it, I practiced for my interview by listing their strengths and weaknesses. And if the job came up, I would apply for it.

I say it is smaller, more intimate, kind of boutique-y; I describe how it looks like an old southern house, with white shutters and a wrap around porch. I speak highly of it, say it’s a little low key. I don’t say the prices are lower than ours unless the prospect can’t afford us, then I will call Kristen personally. Of course (and it is possible this is what happened because I have an exceptionally bad memory and can’t place it for sure) but if someone said “I guess they are the ugly step-child… hahaha” I would probably snicker because they are a prospect and they just made a joke – just as I would giggle if a guy I had a crush on made a joke. *tee hee what a terrible thing to say tee hee*

Also to my benefit I had proof from someone else that I speak with nothing but respect for others, which I forwarded to my boss the very day before. And I had had the conversation with someone just an hour before; I have that conversation every single day, I didn’t stumble, this is what I say. And I have a step-child, that is not my way of thinking. And, honestly, if you want to get down to brass tacks (or brass tax… I don’t exactly know what it means), I call it my “sister” residence, so I would have said “ugly step-sister” or daughter, never child.

So, while I would be offended if they didn’t believe me, that’s not really up to me. That usually comes from their own lives and experiences. They don’t know me; they don’t know who I am or where I have come from, they don’t know how I came to be or the colour of the blood that pumps my heart. They are too busy listening to their own story to hear mine, and that’s okay. I can’t live my life freely if I can’t be free and let others be free as well.