Five for Friday

Okay, seeing as I have lost my Tumblr privileges as I was composing a FFF post, I’m putting it here instead 😝 Many of these topics will become separate posts… someday… maybe…

1. I’ve decided to stop seeing Freckles but am kind of unsure of how to go about it. He’s moving closer to his work in a couple of weeks so I’ll probably let that be the reason.

2. I really like my new boss. I think she has come into my life to help teach me how to be me.

3. Unionguy *umph*

4. I tremendously enjoyed binge watching all four seasons of Being Erica on Netflix but I’m sad it’s over. It has so many good messages – i.e. the future is not set, our choices have consequences, you can only control yourself and must accept other’s free will, etc. It’s a purely Canadian show and is set in the general area where I love so it was also fun to recognize places and Ontario references that I missed when I watched the first couple seasons while living in Newfoundland in 2011.

5. A really cool thing happened at work today that I’m excited to write about in my professional blog. A young man noticed one of our residents looked unsteady while out for a walk and offered to help him get home. Imagine his surprise when he found out that this man was a Stanley Cup winner who’s tragic career ending accident changed the face of hockey forever. I love seeing younger generations find out that the elderly are people with a rich history and well worth getting to know.

6. In this exact moment, I love everything about my life. I love my home and the work it requires, I love my job and the lessons I am learning, I love my family and that I’ll get to see those I am closest with tomorrow, I love my friends and the multi-generational support system they honoir me with, I love my romantic life and the fact that I get to make decisions based on who I am instead of who I’ve been told I should be – and the sex, oh god, the sex!

7. I love my body, the work it can do, the pleasure it provides. I am taking new steps toward looking on the outside as I am on the inside. And surprise surprise, I’m still learning every day that it has nothing to do with my weight. It does, however, have a lot to do with my hair – time for a new cut!

8. Five? Ha. I laugh in the face of rules!

Thanks for the memories

Today I had a little blast from the past type reminder of what my life used to be like with Miul… 15 texts in less than 2 minutes. Here’s a snapshot:

Apparently he found out that I was back on Tumblr. He said he couldn’t be on there if I was. He needs that support system, I have this, so I deleted the new posts and told him so. I almost told him I was on there as a way to connect with and be a support for him again but I knew that was best left unsaid.

I told him I was sorry about his uncle, that I deleted the Tumblr posts and would stay away. I also asked that he pull back on the text attack or I would have to block his number and he wouldn’t be able to reach me anymore. That seemed to get through and he backed off, thankfully.

I feel so badly for him, for the hell he puts himself though. But this has been a part of my life since 2010 and I know without a doubt that having me in his life will not fix the problem; it might give the anxiety and PTSD an outlet but ruining my life won’t make his life better. That was a long, difficult and hard-learned lesson but being with him changed me and I’m thankful for it.

Third date-ish

Before I started seeing Miul, my friends and family used to say I was too picky in my relationships. I would date someone once or twice and find something I didn’t like and move on to the next one. No one is going to be perfect, they said, you have to take the bad with the good. I was alone for a long time so I figured maybe they were right.

Then I met Miul and tried it their way. We met online so most of our interaction was email, text and Skype. There were things about him that frustrated me but those things were easy to push aside and ignore. And his beautiful words were so right that I let anything wrong slide. I travelled to meet him twice before I moved here and broke up with him both times. But hope for the best (thanks marijuana!) and my loved ones’ voices in my head told me to keep trying so I did. For five years I tried.

Then I met Unionguy and my faith in the possibility that I could meet someone who didn’t drive me completely up the wall was renewed. I left Miul to open my life to that someone. Even if it wasn’t Unionguy that I ended up with, I knew I needed to keep looking until I found someone like him.

Now I’m back to looking, dating, trying. And most guys hold no interest for me. Dateguy didn’t work out. Freckles, quite frankly, irritates me a little more every time I see him – I’ve only seen him three times and I’m already done I think. I hoped it might be okay to just spend time with him even if he isn’t the one I’m looking for but I think it would be selfish of me to do that.

So, here I am again. Still. I know Unionguy isn’t the one either, he’s just the closest I’ve found. And I’m keeping him in my life for as long as I can, until I find Unionguy 2.0 if I have my way. There is no way I am giving up my outrageously unbelievably amazing wonderful sex until I have no other choice. Umph.

Satisfied

Unionguy came over tonight. I tell you, that man not only rocks my world – he rules it. We talked for an hour, made love for an hour, cuddled and talked an giggled for another hour, one more intense oh so amazing orgasm before he went home.

I have never felt so myself as I do with him. He is the person I call when I’m excited or need to vent or release my stresses. He satisfies me like no one ever has; physically, spiritually, mentally. I have resigned myself to the fact that we won’t be together as I used to dream we would but he is the yard stick now, everyone else for the rest of my days will be measured against him. Not too big, not too small, just right. Just. Right.

Poem by Miul

Geezuz, I’m not going to lie to you – my first instinct was to run to him and say “it’s Okay, I forgive you, I love You, come home!”

He has always had a way with words, he has always known how to get to my heart.

It’s not enough. Words are not enough anymore.

What am I?

Is there a pattern here? Who are all these men and why are they in my life? Three are in relationships with other people, three have tried having a relationship with me that didn’t work out, one is looking to start, one is like a yoyo. The only common denominator is me. What am I to them? Convenient? Fun? Easy? A pushover?

And here it is, 8 hours later. One of them wants to die for me. One of them wants to fall for me. One wants to fuck me on his schedule. One wants to flirt with me, and one is ignoring me. And I’m going to bed alone.

And, quite frankly, I’m fed the fuck up with the whole lot of them and wish they’d go away and leave me alone.

Except one. All of them except one.

Dammit.

No name and stuff

I have a date tonight. A “getting to know you” coffee with a guy I met in my phone. What shall we call him, I wonder? Maybe I’ll wait until after I meet him in person to find an appropriate label. Or maybe I’ll never talk to him again after tonight. Only time will tell at this point.

I hope he isn’t a dork. I hope we like each other. Would be nice to find someone to spend time with again. Someone who doesn’t already have a girlfriend, that is. Not that I’m planning to give up Unionguy any time soon.

I took the Gem out for a birthday lunch today, she turns 10 tomorrow. Her father wrote on his blog that she was so hurt by me, and bothered to be moving into his new girlfriend’s house. Made me feel kind of guilty, a common sensation when it cones to him. But now I think he’s full of shit, also a common sensation when it comes to him. She seems fine, excited even. She was bragging about her new bedroom and fancy loft bed that Cate got for her. Sounds like she’s spoiling them both. Sounds like it’s time for me to stop reading his blog.

I started posting on my Tumblr again (that’s where we met and where I read his crap). I think I was looking for a way to connect with him in a kind of 3rd party way, to be in contact without direct communication. But I am already censoring myself and avoiding any topic that might hurt him. I don’t even know if he knows about it yet but we have a lot of friends in common so I’m sure he’d find it eventually. Today he wrote that the fear of letting go is worse than the pain of remembering. Why do I keep making this my problem?

It’s stormy here this afternoon. All I want to do is put in my headphones and dig in the dirt but instead I’ll just have to sit and wait for a couple of hours until it’s time to get ready to go out. Maybe the weather will be reasonable this weekend and I’ll get into it then.

Poop.