Since I didn’t get to enjoy a good luck fuck tonight (*teehee*) I’ve been looking through old notebooks for thoughts and ideas about improving the workplace that I’ve written down over the years. There’s a definite, repeating group of themes in these scribbles: money/budget, weight/exercise/time management, school/career ideas, and, of course, men. I found seversl notes about what I’m looking for in a man, they’re all still valid but it seems that the list is getting longer and more specific as the years pass.
I don’t understand how I can be writing about how wonderful Dateguy is in one post and the very next piece of information is my excitement that Unionguy might visit tonight. Why is that? But, then again, why not. Yolo, right? Also, I’m a whore. Lol
I did send that happy birthday text today, btw. Aaaand it turns out his birthday is on Friday. Which is what happens when you don’t write shit down. Nevertheless, I was the first to say it and he appreciated it and that’s all that counts. I wasn’t just trying to get him into my bed, I really meant it. Actually, if anything, I’m trying to keep him out of my bed. But I think we can all agree that I’m really not trying very hard. I’m not inviting him anymore, though. He has to bring up the subject, as he did when he dropped in to visit today. He grabbed me and kissed me before he left. Was fun. That’s all.
You know what the problem is? I don’t think I want to be in a full, long term relationship with him but I’m just so fucking glad he’s a part of my life! He fills up my cup. He makes me want to do better, to try harder, to be all I can be. That is not sustainable in a deep relationship, I don’t think. Or it would get diluted.
I want the dances in the kitchen, the man who is excited to see me and wants me as much as I want him. That is Dateguy.
But Unionguy is like chocolate. An indulgence that I enjoy but simply isn’t healthy to have all the time. Chocolate tastes so good and I always want more, but it’s better in small doses.
I used to carry my mother’s wedding rings, my passport, and a thumb drive of pictures and important computer files in my purse, just in case I needed to make a quick getaway. Because on any given day, I never knew what or who I was coming home to. I don’t miss that life at all.
I keep telling myself that I should tell Unionguy that I’m in a relationship now but every time I speak with him I avoid the subject. I know I want to put my all into this thing with Dateguy, so why the hesitation?
I think there is more than one reason. First of all, we seem to have backed off the sex aspect of our relationship naturally. We still talk from time to time, I got overly excited when I saw him last week but we don’t discuss having sex anymore. It only happened when I invited him over, anyway, and I don’t do that now. Second, what if things don’t work out with Dateguy? I mean, I obviously hope this lasts but it’s early days and anything could happen at this point. I don’t want to close this door when I’m not yet over the threshold of the next. Thirdly, I like talking to him, he explains the world to me in a way I understand and a way no one else ever has. I don’t feel so lost in the universe as I did before I met him. And most importantly I think, definitely the reason that just came to me as I hung up the phone with him, I genuinely value his friendship and I want him in my life. Not that he’d never speak with me again if I officially take sex off the table but would he make as much effort as a chum as he does a prospective bedmate? I don’t know, but I also don’t know if I want to find out right now.
Maybe this is one thing I don’t need to tie neatly with a bow, maybe this can just be. As it always has been. We have a sexual tension between us that I enjoy. I’m not going to act on it, I just don’t want to kill it. There’s nothing wrong with that, is there?
(The first thing he said when he called was “you’re probably going to have to talk me down off a ledge because I am really excited about this job opportunity for you!”)
We danced! In the kitchen! I hugged him so hard. Fuck. How many times have I mentioned that here? A dozen? A billion?? I’ve wanted someone who would dance with me forever.
Then we went for a drive. I was the passenger. He still opens the door for me. What?
Then! We’re in a big swanky neighbourhood and there’s someone stopped on the side of the road, he makes like he’s going to pull up next to them and says “ask them if they have any grey poupon!” I nearly died laughing.
Then ice cream
Then snuggles for an hour.
I don’t believe this man.
But I fucking love it!
Then again, he said he loves my flat ass so I should probably end this immediately.