What are you going to do now Bev? Are you going to gain 40 pounds? Push away all of your friends? Spend the few dollars you have on anything bad for you and/or detrimental to your health?
Nah, I’m going to get up and get back to work. Those are the brakes. I controlled what I could control and I did it well, that’s all I can do and I couldn’t have done better. I don’t know what happens next. I have a serious issue with the job I’m doing now, but I’m not going to rush around searching for something else to do. I have some other things I can concentrate on. I’ll be okay. I’ll be fine. Truly.
It was funny to tell Dateguy about Lucy but it makes me a little sad. Like letting go a bit more. Letting Joy go. Damn, Joy really liked Peter.
But you know something? If I get this job, Unionguy will be in my life for another 5 years or so. And it would be inappropriate for us to screw around. So we could be friends, legitimately!
That’s not why I want the job, like, I probably won’t mention it in my interview, but definitely an added bonus. Manifest destiny, right?
Gotta go study! Intention will only give me the drive, the rest is manual labour. And I’m excited to do it!
And as the thought that I wish Unionguy wanted to be with me, I wish something real would happen between us crosses my mind, the next thought is a flash forward to the day I’m shocked to find out he cheated on me the way he is cheating with me.
I won’t deny that I wish things were different, that I wish I could shower him with love and adoration as he folds me into his arms and into his life. Reality, however, is a very different story. And that’s life. The guy I do end up with will be better. And he won’t cheat.
Just hang on, me, he’s out there.
Subway salad (because it’s all the things I get on my sub at Subway, silly)
Salt and Pepper
* I don’t get fried onions at Subway but I totally would if they had them!
Pro tip: Salad is better for dinner because you can pair it with a bottle… er, I mean glass of your favourite wine
It feels different. Fun. Free. I don’t know if he notices a difference but I certainly do.
It’s even better, dammit!!!!!
See? That’s why I’m always comfortable going through a shitty time, when I don’t know how things are going to work out, but it seems pretty bad. Because the other side of the fence? Where everything is greener? It’s amazing.
He didn’t use his safe word even once! I bet he wanted to.
You can barely hear the thunder and lightening storm in this house you didn’t want to live in. And the rain hitting the metal roof is hypnotic.
Just kidding. I think I figured out how to pay the phone bill off and be rid of you once and for all. Except we live in the same town and will inevitably bump into each other. Maybe not. You’re really good at the silent treatment, anyway.
I miss Gem. I admit, I do still look at the Tumblr on Gem weekend. And maybe have a short visit with my past.
I’m moving on though, becoming the person I wanted to be. The one you feared so much. I’m really not that bad, I’m just different than how you judged me in some ways. (Maybe not different, maybe just not stifled and repressed.)
It’s okay, you know. No hard feelings. You don’t have to say you’re sorry and cry.
Remember that story you told me about when you were a kid? About how disappointed and disillusioned you felt when your mom wouldn’t leave your dad no matter how bad things got? Remember how I told you I’d leave? Did you think I was lying?
In a way this is a lesson I wanted Gem to have. People don’t have to stay no matter what. To say you love them and say you’re sorry is not enough if your actions are telling a very different story. And, as hard as it may be to understand and accept, to do everything right and be the most loving person you can possibly be sometimes isn’t enough.
And that’s okay.
It’s a good lesson. An important one, I think.
Long live Aunt Sister-Mom!
I just figured out that I no longer want to spend my time with people who don’t like themselves, their families, or people in general.
I didn’t like anything for a long time. It requires a level of pessimism I no longer want to associate with.