the lens through which
you see it.
Since I didn’t get to enjoy a good luck fuck tonight (*teehee*) I’ve been looking through old notebooks for thoughts and ideas about improving the workplace that I’ve written down over the years. There’s a definite, repeating group of themes in these scribbles: money/budget, weight/exercise/time management, school/career ideas, and, of course, men. I found seversl notes about what I’m looking for in a man, they’re all still valid but it seems that the list is getting longer and more specific as the years pass.
Today I was given an appointment for my first interview, which will be by phone on Thursday.
I’ve spent the rest of the day wishing I had a cheat sheet of questions so I can start preparing. It’s harder by phone sometimes because you don’t have the advantage of seeing their expression and body language. On the other hand, I guess, they won’t see me fumble or pick my nose so you have to take the bad with the good.
How will I prepare? I’m going to get exercising again, to start. And then ill review the notes of ideas I’ve been entering in notebooks for the past near decade. Maybe I’ll try writing out answers to expected questions. I wish I could talk it out more with someone, out loud practice. That is a bit of a struggle for me. I’m pretty easy going, which will be beneficial on the job because it allows me to be open minded and flexible, however, it also makes it hard to stay focused and express myself sometimes. I’m sure I’ll do well enough to get to the next level but I want this woman to hang up the phone and think – wow, this chick really has it all figured out!
Wish me luck!
I used to carry my mother’s wedding rings, my passport, and a thumb drive of pictures and important computer files in my purse, just in case I needed to make a quick getaway. Because on any given day, I never knew what or who I was coming home to. I don’t miss that life at all.
I keep telling myself that I should tell Unionguy that I’m in a relationship now but every time I speak with him I avoid the subject. I know I want to put my all into this thing with Dateguy, so why the hesitation?
I think there is more than one reason. First of all, we seem to have backed off the sex aspect of our relationship naturally. We still talk from time to time, I got overly excited when I saw him last week but we don’t discuss having sex anymore. It only happened when I invited him over, anyway, and I don’t do that now. Second, what if things don’t work out with Dateguy? I mean, I obviously hope this lasts but it’s early days and anything could happen at this point. I don’t want to close this door when I’m not yet over the threshold of the next. Thirdly, I like talking to him, he explains the world to me in a way I understand and a way no one else ever has. I don’t feel so lost in the universe as I did before I met him. And most importantly I think, definitely the reason that just came to me as I hung up the phone with him, I genuinely value his friendship and I want him in my life. Not that he’d never speak with me again if I officially take sex off the table but would he make as much effort as a chum as he does a prospective bedmate? I don’t know, but I also don’t know if I want to find out right now.
Maybe this is one thing I don’t need to tie neatly with a bow, maybe this can just be. As it always has been. We have a sexual tension between us that I enjoy. I’m not going to act on it, I just don’t want to kill it. There’s nothing wrong with that, is there?
(The first thing he said when he called was “you’re probably going to have to talk me down off a ledge because I am really excited about this job opportunity for you!”)
Okay, here’s the part where you’ll get to know me real good. In all areas of life I start with yes. In the beginning it is sunshine and happiness; through my rose coloured glasses, I see only hope and possibility. I really like this side of myself and it is the me that people are drawn to.
Inevitably, however, the glasses come off and the clouds appear. From this shaded viewpoint, everything looks different.
You know what? I’m not going to over think it. I’m not going to worry about it. I’m going to roll with it and see what happens.
That means I get to keep screwing Unionguy, right?
I guess what I’m dealing with right now is the realization that the woman I idolized my whole life and basically formed my life after was a complete fake.
But even as I write this I know she believed in the things she told me back then as much as I did. I think she just lost it. Or, most likely, she was going along without paying attention so when she lost what made her happy she simply didn’t know how to find it again.
As an adult I know that I have to live my life very intentionally. Part of that means finding out what/who gives me energy and what/who takes it away. Sadly, my mother is now one who takes my energy. I still love her, she is my mother, but she is no longer my friend.
(Do I dump people too easily? I seem to spend a lot of time alone these days. Hmm… I’ll have to get back to you about that.)
I ate a LOT this weekend. Like, real crappy food. I have been stoned three days straight. And have barely gotten off the couch.
I keep wondering what’s causing all this, what the trigger is. Starting things with Unionguy again? I hope not! My mom’s visit? Maybe. The fact that I’ve barely exercised in the past two weeks? Wait, is that a trigger or another side effect of the trigger?
What if I’m super stressed about something? What would that be? Money? Regaining the weight I’ve lost?
Is this rebellion? Is this fuck you I’ll do what I want behaviour? Is it loneliness? Boredom?
Am I rewarding myself because I’m so damn impressed with myself? Maybe I’m just all cocky and hot shit because I got my way again.
What if there is no trigger? What if this is just how I’m spending my weekend and next weekend I’ll probably do something different.
Yes, I like that last one. Ima stick with that, thanks.