Third date-ish

Before I started seeing Miul, my friends and family used to say I was too picky in my relationships. I would date someone once or twice and find something I didn’t like and move on to the next one. No one is going to be perfect, they said, you have to take the bad with the good. I was alone for a long time so I figured maybe they were right.

Then I met Miul and tried it their way. We met online so most of our interaction was email, text and Skype. There were things about him that frustrated me but those things were easy to push aside and ignore. And his beautiful words were so right that I let anything wrong slide. I travelled to meet him twice before I moved here and broke up with him both times. But hope for the best (thanks marijuana!) and my loved ones’ voices in my head told me to keep trying so I did. For five years I tried.

Then I met Unionguy and my faith in the possibility that I could meet someone who didn’t drive me completely up the wall was renewed. I left Miul to open my life to that someone. Even if it wasn’t Unionguy that I ended up with, I knew I needed to keep looking until I found someone like him.

Now I’m back to looking, dating, trying. And most guys hold no interest for me. Dateguy didn’t work out. Freckles, quite frankly, irritates me a little more every time I see him – I’ve only seen him three times and I’m already done I think. I hoped it might be okay to just spend time with him even if he isn’t the one I’m looking for but I think it would be selfish of me to do that.

So, here I am again. Still. I know Unionguy isn’t the one either, he’s just the closest I’ve found. And I’m keeping him in my life for as long as I can, until I find Unionguy 2.0 if I have my way. There is no way I am giving up my outrageously unbelievably amazing wonderful sex until I have no other choice. Umph.

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No name and stuff

I have a date tonight. A “getting to know you” coffee with a guy I met in my phone. What shall we call him, I wonder? Maybe I’ll wait until after I meet him in person to find an appropriate label. Or maybe I’ll never talk to him again after tonight. Only time will tell at this point.

I hope he isn’t a dork. I hope we like each other. Would be nice to find someone to spend time with again. Someone who doesn’t already have a girlfriend, that is. Not that I’m planning to give up Unionguy any time soon.

I took the Gem out for a birthday lunch today, she turns 10 tomorrow. Her father wrote on his blog that she was so hurt by me, and bothered to be moving into his new girlfriend’s house. Made me feel kind of guilty, a common sensation when it cones to him. But now I think he’s full of shit, also a common sensation when it comes to him. She seems fine, excited even. She was bragging about her new bedroom and fancy loft bed that Cate got for her. Sounds like she’s spoiling them both. Sounds like it’s time for me to stop reading his blog.

I started posting on my Tumblr again (that’s where we met and where I read his crap). I think I was looking for a way to connect with him in a kind of 3rd party way, to be in contact without direct communication. But I am already censoring myself and avoiding any topic that might hurt him. I don’t even know if he knows about it yet but we have a lot of friends in common so I’m sure he’d find it eventually. Today he wrote that the fear of letting go is worse than the pain of remembering. Why do I keep making this my problem?

It’s stormy here this afternoon. All I want to do is put in my headphones and dig in the dirt but instead I’ll just have to sit and wait for a couple of hours until it’s time to get ready to go out. Maybe the weather will be reasonable this weekend and I’ll get into it then.

Poop.

Dear Unionguy 

Today was the first time I saw him since our last booty call. In the meantime Date guy and I decided to be exclusive, which took future booty calls with Unionguy off the table. I’m okay with it, I’ve been been avoiding him for sure but, overall, I’m happy with the trajectory of my life right now. 

Then frickin UG comes walking by as I’m having lunch with a prospect and my heart starts to pound and my palms get sweaty and I’m distracted because all I can think is don’t look at him, don’t look at him. I did, of course, and he’s so fucking charming and sexy I want to punch him in the nose.

That’s my emotional self reacting, though. My logical self knows Date guy is so much better for me. Last night, for instance, we watched a movie and I put my head in his lap as he smoothed my hair and rubbed my back. Right? Fucking sweetheart or what? Shit, I’ve wanted someone like that since I was a kid. Then I took him into my bed and fucked his brains out, which I have also wanted since i was a kid. (Lol Just kidding… wanted to make sure you’re paying attention.)

Date guy wants me and only me. He slaps my ass in bed, he snuggles in the best way. I think we could go the distance. 

But I have an unexplainable physical reaction to Unionguy that I can’t explain or control. If I was in a relationship with him, though? He would own me. I would be an absolute slave to him and that would make me miserable. I wouldn’t feel good enough, I wouldn’t trust that he wanted to be with me and I would never trust that he’d be faithful to me. It’s all one sided, anyway. I see him turn on the charm all the time. It has nothing to do with me, it’s just the way he is. I’m just some sucker with a vagina who wanted to take it further. But that’s over now. 

Will I be able to be friends with him without this crazy attraction? I want to, but I just don’t know.

Progress 

So, I had a minor melt down this afternoon. I had planned to smoke some weed this weekend and have been trying to get some since Tuesday, unsuccessfully. I felt frustrated and a wee bit childish from my reaction, if you want to know the truth, even going so far as to wonder if I have a problem. But I haven’t had any for a month or more and haven’t really wanted it, so I figure that wasn’t the issue. 

My stress levels have gotten near catastrophic, though, so I ripped into my bottle of spiced rum to see if I could get into my subconscious and figure out what’s going on. (My conscious self and subconscious self aren’t great at communicating with each other.)

First of all, I’m up for a promotion at work. The job I have been working toward for nearly a decade is imminent and, as excited as I feel, I’m also stressing the fuck out. I’m mildly worried that I won’t get it but mostly worried that I will. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ready for this, I’m excited, it’s a damn big dream come true for me and I want to seriously kick some fucking ass, but what if I fail? What if I suck? What if my confidence is cockiness and I am heading down the path of destruction?

I don’t honestly think that is the case. It will be challenging, it will be a lot if work and a huge huge commitment but I’m ready and I want it. I want it so bad I can taste it. Tastes like strawberries, sweet success.

The other issue, shock of all shocks, is the boy thing. But I think I’ve come to a conclusion on that as well. The answer is: there are no answers yet. I’m so worried about telling Unionguy and being vulnerable to Date Guy and what about POF dude, whom I’m still talking to and have been since before Date guy came onto the scene. Who do I choose? Am I ready? What do I say?

Nothing. I will maintain the status quo and see what life brings me. There’s nothing to choose yet, no answers are close at hand. If I’m afraid of opening up then I’m not ready to open up. If I’m not sure what to tell -or even if to tell, then there’s nothing yet to tell. I don’t have to be in a sexual relationship with all of them but so what if I am? It’s my body and my heart and my choice. And quite frankly, I really don’t want to be fooling around with more than one at a time already, but overlap happens (especially during ovulation horniness! ­čśŐ). 

We’ll see, me. We’ll see. But right now POF guy has sent a couple of messages so I’m off to see what’s up. Check you later, mofo! Muah.

I choose 

Date guy. 

Unionguy came over on Wednesday. I told myself it was because I wanted to tell him I’ve been seeing someone else but I didn’t. I just wanted one more moment with him, with what will soon be past. We mostly talked about some very big things that are happening at my work (which I’ll get into soon because *squee!!*). The sex was amazing, better than ever; fun and silly and very satisfying. But, by the time he left, I knew I was ready to close that door to make way for Date guy. 

My life has changed and is so much better for having Unionguy in it, of this I have no doubt. He has helped me have patience, to truly decide what I want, and wait for it. I have obviously cared for him deeply, and will continue to do so. I value our friendship and hope he will be a part of my life for a very long time. The physical aspect, however, needs to end.

Date guy gives me everything Unionguy gave me, and then takes it to the next level. I realized the other day that DG looks at me the way I look at UG. He likes spending time with me, he wants me on his arm. I don’t feel cast aside or not quite good enough with DG as I often do with UG. I feel valued and special. I want to see where we can take this and I think he does too. 

That being said, I feel some other crap coming on. Not insecurity. Fear, perhaps? He likes me as much as I like him and maybe even more but… but… what? 

But nothing, silly woman! Let it go. I’ll do my best, hope for a wonderful outcome but I’m not tied to it. As Unionguy was a bridge to where I am now, Date guy will be a bridge to somewhere else. To where and how long will it take? Only time will tell. But I want to go there. And I’ll do so with the best possible intentions, hoping for the best possible outcome.

Enjoy the good, me. There’s no rush.

Wait!

This is the problem. This is the thing that can’t be explained. Date guy is so nice and kind and flattering and charming. There’s nothing wrong with him at all. 

But Unionguy? Oh, Unionguy is just so…

Not here, Beverly. He’s not here. And even when he is…

Oh, I would take a minute with him over a day with anyone else…

But I’ll get over it…

I will get over him…

Eventually.