the lens through which
you see it.
Today was the first time I saw him since our last booty call. In the meantime Date guy and I decided to be exclusive, which took future booty calls with Unionguy off the table. I’m okay with it, I’ve been been avoiding him for sure but, overall, I’m happy with the trajectory of my life right now.
Then frickin UG comes walking by as I’m having lunch with a prospect and my heart starts to pound and my palms get sweaty and I’m distracted because all I can think is don’t look at him, don’t look at him. I did, of course, and he’s so fucking charming and sexy I want to punch him in the nose.
That’s my emotional self reacting, though. My logical self knows Date guy is so much better for me. Last night, for instance, we watched a movie and I put my head in his lap as he smoothed my hair and rubbed my back. Right? Fucking sweetheart or what? Shit, I’ve wanted someone like that since I was a kid. Then I took him into my bed and fucked his brains out, which I have also wanted since i was a kid. (Lol Just kidding… wanted to make sure you’re paying attention.)
Date guy wants me and only me. He slaps my ass in bed, he snuggles in the best way. I think we could go the distance.
But I have an unexplainable physical reaction to Unionguy that I can’t explain or control. If I was in a relationship with him, though? He would own me. I would be an absolute slave to him and that would make me miserable. I wouldn’t feel good enough, I wouldn’t trust that he wanted to be with me and I would never trust that he’d be faithful to me. It’s all one sided, anyway. I see him turn on the charm all the time. It has nothing to do with me, it’s just the way he is. I’m just some sucker with a vagina who wanted to take it further. But that’s over now.
Will I be able to be friends with him without this crazy attraction? I want to, but I just don’t know.
So, I had a minor melt down this afternoon. I had planned to smoke some weed this weekend and have been trying to get some since Tuesday, unsuccessfully. I felt frustrated and a wee bit childish from my reaction, if you want to know the truth, even going so far as to wonder if I have a problem. But I haven’t had any for a month or more and haven’t really wanted it, so I figure that wasn’t the issue.
My stress levels have gotten near catastrophic, though, so I ripped into my bottle of spiced rum to see if I could get into my subconscious and figure out what’s going on. (My conscious self and subconscious self aren’t great at communicating with each other.)
First of all, I’m up for a promotion at work. The job I have been working toward for nearly a decade is imminent and, as excited as I feel, I’m also stressing the fuck out. I’m mildly worried that I won’t get it but mostly worried that I will. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ready for this, I’m excited, it’s a damn big dream come true for me and I want to seriously kick some fucking ass, but what if I fail? What if I suck? What if my confidence is cockiness and I am heading down the path of destruction?
I don’t honestly think that is the case. It will be challenging, it will be a lot if work and a huge huge commitment but I’m ready and I want it. I want it so bad I can taste it. Tastes like strawberries, sweet success.
The other issue, shock of all shocks, is the boy thing. But I think I’ve come to a conclusion on that as well. The answer is: there are no answers yet. I’m so worried about telling Unionguy and being vulnerable to Date Guy and what about POF dude, whom I’m still talking to and have been since before Date guy came onto the scene. Who do I choose? Am I ready? What do I say?
Nothing. I will maintain the status quo and see what life brings me. There’s nothing to choose yet, no answers are close at hand. If I’m afraid of opening up then I’m not ready to open up. If I’m not sure what to tell -or even if to tell, then there’s nothing yet to tell. I don’t have to be in a sexual relationship with all of them but so what if I am? It’s my body and my heart and my choice. And quite frankly, I really don’t want to be fooling around with more than one at a time already, but overlap happens (especially during ovulation horniness! 😊).
We’ll see, me. We’ll see. But right now POF guy has sent a couple of messages so I’m off to see what’s up. Check you later, mofo! Muah.
Unionguy came over on Wednesday. I told myself it was because I wanted to tell him I’ve been seeing someone else but I didn’t. I just wanted one more moment with him, with what will soon be past. We mostly talked about some very big things that are happening at my work (which I’ll get into soon because *squee!!*). The sex was amazing, better than ever; fun and silly and very satisfying. But, by the time he left, I knew I was ready to close that door to make way for Date guy.
My life has changed and is so much better for having Unionguy in it, of this I have no doubt. He has helped me have patience, to truly decide what I want, and wait for it. I have obviously cared for him deeply, and will continue to do so. I value our friendship and hope he will be a part of my life for a very long time. The physical aspect, however, needs to end.
Date guy gives me everything Unionguy gave me, and then takes it to the next level. I realized the other day that DG looks at me the way I look at UG. He likes spending time with me, he wants me on his arm. I don’t feel cast aside or not quite good enough with DG as I often do with UG. I feel valued and special. I want to see where we can take this and I think he does too.
That being said, I feel some other crap coming on. Not insecurity. Fear, perhaps? He likes me as much as I like him and maybe even more but… but… what?
But nothing, silly woman! Let it go. I’ll do my best, hope for a wonderful outcome but I’m not tied to it. As Unionguy was a bridge to where I am now, Date guy will be a bridge to somewhere else. To where and how long will it take? Only time will tell. But I want to go there. And I’ll do so with the best possible intentions, hoping for the best possible outcome.
Enjoy the good, me. There’s no rush.
He came over tonight and we spent some time together. We sat on the couch and laughed and snuggled, then made our way into the bedroom for some love making. He smelled good, he made me laugh, he told me I was beautiful. I like him, I really do.
This is the problem. This is the thing that can’t be explained. Date guy is so nice and kind and flattering and charming. There’s nothing wrong with him at all.
But Unionguy? Oh, Unionguy is just so…
Not here, Beverly. He’s not here. And even when he is…
Oh, I would take a minute with him over a day with anyone else…
But I’ll get over it…
I will get over him…
Okay, this is starting to sound a little too similar to my diary when I was 15 – boys, boys, boys, money, weight, boys, boys, more boys. But I guess that’s who I am so I might as well just go with it.
I think my little Unionguy melt down yesterday was perfectly timed because it seemed to purge some bad feelings and opened the way for new ones. I had such a good time with Date guy after. We had dinner at The Keg, laughed and laughed, and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. Then we came back here and drank the bottle of wine he bought, watched my favourite movie Limitless, then a comedy special or two while sharing a few of the more intimate details of past relationships. He’s been hurt, it’s a fact.
The bedroom was the best surprise of the night. Significantly better than the night before in some ways, although he was still kind and attentive and very complimentary. We slept well and stayed in bed for another three or four hours after waking.
He heard me, he listened, he looked for that sensitive spot on my belly, he breathed into my ear, rubbed my back and made me feel beautiful and important and kind of even cherished. And, as I’m writing that with tears blurring my vision, it’s obvious that those things are important and rare for me.
So I ask again – is this sustainable? Only time will tell. But right now it is good, it is very good.
Okay, here’s the part where you’ll get to know me real good. In all areas of life I start with yes. In the beginning it is sunshine and happiness; through my rose coloured glasses, I see only hope and possibility. I really like this side of myself and it is the me that people are drawn to.
Inevitably, however, the glasses come off and the clouds appear. From this shaded viewpoint, everything looks different.
You know what? I’m not going to over think it. I’m not going to worry about it. I’m going to roll with it and see what happens.
That means I get to keep screwing Unionguy, right?
Tonight was different. It was fun, it was the most like a booty call and he was definitely the most relaxed/open/himself.
I wasn’t even sure he’d come because there wasn’t the regular flirty build up throughout the day, not even a message since last night. Then he was late and I figured he forgot all about it, and thought that was as it should be.
When he got here he was so animated and chatty, I instantly thought that the whole thing would turn out to be a huge error in judgement. How could date guy possibly live up to this? I’m just so crazy about this fucker.
The sex was better than ever, and that’s saying a lot. He was more vocal, more responsive, more… everything. I’m just so crazy about him it’s outrageous.
But while I really enjoy these stolen moments with him, date guy likes me all the time. He’s fun and flirty and wants to be with me (from what I can tell so far, obv).
I look forward to seeing what it’s like with date guy this weekend. We’ll be spending most of the weekend together and by Sunday I’ll at least know if he’s a good kisser and if he turns me on, hopefully also penis. I want this to happen. I so hope it is good.
Only time will tell…
But just look at this guy. Can this be real? Is this sustainable???
My boss said my eyes lit up as I was telling her about my date last night. I feel a little giggly.
[Before I go further, I would like to digress for a moment to comment on something. Several times since I started talking to him, including a moment ago, I would see a notification for a random email on my phone and a thought would sweep through my mind so quickly it was barely perceptible. That it would be an email from date guy, saying he doesn’t want to continue seeing me. I’m interested to know that the very idea of that happening makes my heart feel heavy. Also, he doesn’t even have my email address so stop being an idiot, me!]
Anyway… back to lighter things…
We went for a walk last night and then came to my place for an impromptu dinner. While I was in the kitchen he tinkered around on the piano and then I asked him to pull out my guitar (which I don’t know how to play) and see if it’s a piece of junk like Miul said. Date guy said it’s not bad at all, then he tuned it, then he started playing/singing and my vagina started humming along. Lol
We ate, he had seconds, then dessert and watched a comedy show. I snuggled into him on my very uncomfortable 50 year old sofa and I think it nearly broke his back but he said it was worth it.
We’re going out again on Saturday. I want to see him naked. I want to kiss him and touch him. I want to know.
I’m horny as hell and, while I momentarily considered asking Unionguy if he wants to drop by tomorrow, I don’t think I will. I’ll wait and let it build with date guy and see if we have anything here. I think we might. How fun/scary/exciting/nice.
I feel very good around him. He makes me feel calm and cared for. So far, so far.