Today was the first time I saw him since our last booty call. In the meantime Date guy and I decided to be exclusive, which took future booty calls with Unionguy off the table. I’m okay with it, I’ve been been avoiding him for sure but, overall, I’m happy with the trajectory of my life right now.
Then frickin UG comes walking by as I’m having lunch with a prospect and my heart starts to pound and my palms get sweaty and I’m distracted because all I can think is don’t look at him, don’t look at him. I did, of course, and he’s so fucking charming and sexy I want to punch him in the nose.
That’s my emotional self reacting, though. My logical self knows Date guy is so much better for me. Last night, for instance, we watched a movie and I put my head in his lap as he smoothed my hair and rubbed my back. Right? Fucking sweetheart or what? Shit, I’ve wanted someone like that since I was a kid. Then I took him into my bed and fucked his brains out, which I have also wanted since i was a kid. (Lol Just kidding… wanted to make sure you’re paying attention.)
Date guy wants me and only me. He slaps my ass in bed, he snuggles in the best way. I think we could go the distance.
But I have an unexplainable physical reaction to Unionguy that I can’t explain or control. If I was in a relationship with him, though? He would own me. I would be an absolute slave to him and that would make me miserable. I wouldn’t feel good enough, I wouldn’t trust that he wanted to be with me and I would never trust that he’d be faithful to me. It’s all one sided, anyway. I see him turn on the charm all the time. It has nothing to do with me, it’s just the way he is. I’m just some sucker with a vagina who wanted to take it further. But that’s over now.
Will I be able to be friends with him without this crazy attraction? I want to, but I just don’t know.
You will probably never know how deeply your text affected me today. So short and simple: “I don’t know what to do anymore. I think I am lost now.” And it tore my heart out of my chest.
You will probably never know how much I want to help, to give support, a kind word, a touch. I want to fix and love and give everything I am to make you better. Oh, how I loved loving you.
You will probably never know because I cannot chance breaking the seal. My need to give, coupled with your need to take, is toxic for me.
Lately I have been wishing I could smoke again. I loved smoking; it gave me such undeniable pleasure that here I am, more than a decade later, and it still calls to me. And I want to be weak for just a little while and give in. Just a bit. Just for a moment.
But I won’t start smoking again because I know it will consume me. It will hurt me and sicken me if I let it back into my life. As much as I want it, I can’t break the seal.
And hard as staying away from cigarettes has been and still is, it’s no nowhere near as difficult as staying away from you.
I must be strong now. For me. I so wish you could be strong for you. Don’t you know that could turn this all around? No, it can’t anymore. It’s too late, I will never take that chance again. You were supposed to be my forever, we were supposed to be forever together. I’m not sure I’ll ever fully heal from that. But I will take this hurt a million times before I will allow the hurt that would be caused by letting you back into my life.
This is what I would like to say to you right now:
Before my dad passed away (also from cancer) my perception of the loss of a parent was much different than the reality. For a long time I described his death as a feeling I couldn’t understand without having been there; like initiation into a group I really didn’t want to belong to. But, unfortunately, we don’t get to choose such things.
So we look for the good.
My dad’s passing was one of the most beautiful, intimate moments of my life. It changed me immeasurably. I am much more compassionate now, more patient, I love more openly, and I write notes to old friends, whose hands I still wish I could hold as they go through this sadness.
I hope you are holding hands with friends and family right now. I hope your dad is surrounded with a sense of love and peace and wonder at what comes next. Cry now, because you will surely be sad and a little lost. But trust that soon you will be laughing through your tears as you remember what a wonderful man he is, was and will always be.