the lens through which
you see it.
Since I didn’t get to enjoy a good luck fuck tonight (*teehee*) I’ve been looking through old notebooks for thoughts and ideas about improving the workplace that I’ve written down over the years. There’s a definite, repeating group of themes in these scribbles: money/budget, weight/exercise/time management, school/career ideas, and, of course, men. I found seversl notes about what I’m looking for in a man, they’re all still valid but it seems that the list is getting longer and more specific as the years pass.
I used to carry my mother’s wedding rings, my passport, and a thumb drive of pictures and important computer files in my purse, just in case I needed to make a quick getaway. Because on any given day, I never knew what or who I was coming home to. I don’t miss that life at all.
My boss said my eyes lit up as I was telling her about my date last night. I feel a little giggly.
[Before I go further, I would like to digress for a moment to comment on something. Several times since I started talking to him, including a moment ago, I would see a notification for a random email on my phone and a thought would sweep through my mind so quickly it was barely perceptible. That it would be an email from date guy, saying he doesn’t want to continue seeing me. I’m interested to know that the very idea of that happening makes my heart feel heavy. Also, he doesn’t even have my email address so stop being an idiot, me!]
Anyway… back to lighter things…
We went for a walk last night and then came to my place for an impromptu dinner. While I was in the kitchen he tinkered around on the piano and then I asked him to pull out my guitar (which I don’t know how to play) and see if it’s a piece of junk like Miul said. Date guy said it’s not bad at all, then he tuned it, then he started playing/singing and my vagina started humming along. Lol
We ate, he had seconds, then dessert and watched a comedy show. I snuggled into him on my very uncomfortable 50 year old sofa and I think it nearly broke his back but he said it was worth it.
We’re going out again on Saturday. I want to see him naked. I want to kiss him and touch him. I want to know.
I’m horny as hell and, while I momentarily considered asking Unionguy if he wants to drop by tomorrow, I don’t think I will. I’ll wait and let it build with date guy and see if we have anything here. I think we might. How fun/scary/exciting/nice.
I feel very good around him. He makes me feel calm and cared for. So far, so far.
So, Miul has a new girlfriend. It amazes me to read his blog, because I read about them with such a big smile on my face. I do want him to be happy, I do want him to love and be loved, and as much as I felt guilty that I couldn’t be the one who would give him that, I hope he has found the one who can. Also, bless your soul, dear “Aussie”, I hope you have more patience than I!
In other news, I had my first date since the breakup on Friday. (You really can’t call the things Unionguy and I have done “dates”, can you??) I’m not sure if I talked about him on here yet or not and I’m too lazy to check right now, so I shall assume I have and not tell the whole story. Suffice it to say that I like him as much as I know him and he seems to like me too. Only time will tell for sure.
I was hoping to hear from him tonight but haven’t yet (it’s nearly 9pm) so bonus points to him for not being overbearing and demanding. That just makes me like him a little more.
Haven’t heard from Unionguy yet today either, which is the norm for a Sunday. And prolly for the best.
Life is good
I didn’t tell you but the night I was so strung out about Miul’s message, UG was supposed to drop off a book so I asked him to come in and talk to me about it.
He was so frickin amazing. Kind and warm and real. I was open and honest, I told him secrets I’d never said out loud before – about how Miul couldn’t hold me in his arms, how I wasn’t allowed to touch his neck or his shoulders, about how unnatural and uncomfortable even simply hugging was to him, and how it was the same to me when I was with Ian, about the struggles and the tempers and the feelings and the inability to express myself.
And he listened and pondered, understood and advised. He let me pull back when I said that continuing would make me cry, then drew me forward again; he held me and teased me and made it all better. Dammit.
What can I do to win him, I wonder? What would make him come over to my side? Do I want to, should I want to? He likes me, he cares, he thinks of me; I know he does. So what does that mean? And would breaking through that barrier make everything better or simply cause it all to fall on my head? How can I know, what can I do but wonder?
The answer is nothing. But wait.
So that’s what I do.
You will probably never know how deeply your text affected me today. So short and simple: “I don’t know what to do anymore. I think I am lost now.” And it tore my heart out of my chest.
You will probably never know how much I want to help, to give support, a kind word, a touch. I want to fix and love and give everything I am to make you better. Oh, how I loved loving you.
You will probably never know because I cannot chance breaking the seal. My need to give, coupled with your need to take, is toxic for me.
Lately I have been wishing I could smoke again. I loved smoking; it gave me such undeniable pleasure that here I am, more than a decade later, and it still calls to me. And I want to be weak for just a little while and give in. Just a bit. Just for a moment.
But I won’t start smoking again because I know it will consume me. It will hurt me and sicken me if I let it back into my life. As much as I want it, I can’t break the seal.
And hard as staying away from cigarettes has been and still is, it’s no nowhere near as difficult as staying away from you.
I must be strong now. For me. I so wish you could be strong for you. Don’t you know that could turn this all around? No, it can’t anymore. It’s too late, I will never take that chance again. You were supposed to be my forever, we were supposed to be forever together. I’m not sure I’ll ever fully heal from that. But I will take this hurt a million times before I will allow the hurt that would be caused by letting you back into my life.
He came over. And it was good, so damn good. He plays my body like a one man band of lust. Umph. Of course, I was feeling much more free due to my recent wonderful epiphany.
Something clicked and I got the answer finally. The Christmas card thought really synched it, I think. To me he is Unionguy. To everyone else he is Unionguy “and” Carol. (Her name isn’t actually Carol but I keep thinking it is for some odd reason, and so it has become.) For myself and everyone else, I don’t want to be “and” anyone.
I feel completely free of my frustration and concern over this situation. Having Mom here for a few days made a big difference… in my discovery of what NOT to do.
I explained it to him, after I let him have his way with me, the tendency of deferring opinions. This strong-willed, confident, independent woman letting everyone else go first and struggling because I can’t have my turn if they don’t have theirs. A learned habit left over from my childhood. I figured out the crap behind it originally – low self esteem, feeling of worthlessness – but didn’t know until now that the coping mechanism had never been adjusted to keep up with the changes.
And Joy. Oh, Joy is so happy to have her playmate back. And the rest of me is over the moon that I don’t have to put up with any relationship crap for that to happen! Someday I’ll want that again, maybe, but I still have a little bitterness over promises unkept.
I felt guilty for leaving Miul but he completely bullshited his way into my life and was in deep long before I looked up and realized it. And, now that I think of it, he completely took advantage of my deferring ways and the only opinions that counted were his. I can’t believe I didn’t know that.
The heart that needs to love must also trust. I trust Unionguy. I believe in him to never hurt me for his own gain, to keep my best interests at heart if at all possible, to give me space when I need it. And the sex. Ohgod the sex!!
Thank you, kismet, karma or whomever. Thank you.
How does this keep happening? How do things work out just right? It might be the ability to want what I get. It might be visualization. Maybe fluke, luck, karma. Perhaps even god?
Whatever it is, damn! Yes, yes, yes! Now that I think about it, it might be the pot. 😉
I think pot gives me another perspective, it’s almost as if I’m talking with the other side of my brain, or my alter ego or something. I don’t know. It just fucking rocks sometimes. And sometimes it doesn’t so I just pepper it into my life.
Gotta go. Make up dirty talk texting is starting!! Lol