Great news!

Okay, I have great news! I’m not pregnant!

Ha, I’m staring my 46th birthday in the eye and I’m still telling that joke. I think it’s starting to be funny again, especially since I’m officially* single and living alone, but it’ll never be as funny was it was when I was 15.

*And unofficially having fantasy-laden, mind-blowing, life-changing sex with a sexy man who steals into my house after the sun goes down… yummy yummy sex! lol**

**Yes, it’s true. Every conversation ends up being about Gord***

***A.K.A. Unionguy****

****I use a lot of * when I get stoned.*****

*****At least I do today.

Okay, that’s enough.

No wonder no one wants to listen to me. lol

Last night I started a new blog. Geezus, that was a long road to get to my point wasn’t it?*

*Too fucking bad _/ >smooches< \_

 

 

““`

 

So, what happened was I drank a bottle of wine and went out to watch the rain and got all sobby with childhood memories and made a blog post. I logged out of this account on my phone and put it on my personal blog so I could link it to my Facebook. And I have no idea what the password is to this thing, and realized I don’t care! I’ve been playing around with starting a new blog with letters, things I want to say to people and about people. Kind of like a People of Barrie but a People of my Life.

After I post this I’m going over there to try out a different thing. I’m different again. Still the same but different. I feel like I’ve graduated to a new level. I want to check it out and see what I can do. Once I log out of here, I’ll be gone forever. And I’m kind of excited about that. I guess there was a life event after all. I didn’t even notice. That’s really quite exciting to me.

Omg, cramps. I might not even edit. Wouldn’t that be funny? If my last post on this blog after all this time was full of typos and weird stonedness?******

******Right????

icm2bgr8.wordpress.com

Check it out and tell me what you think.

I hope to see you there.

Or whatever.

That’s cool. Like, no pressure.

You know.

I think I need to stop.

Dare I not edit? Yes, that will be funny.

B’ye, y’all!

 

Mowments

I was composing a post for my professional blog while I was mowing the lawn and, while I don’t have the time or wherewithal to write it now, I wanted to outline it for myself here. You can read it if you want, I don’t even know you. 😁

So, when I feel like someone is undervaluing my work experience, I often talk about how I made 6 figures in the job I had before I entered this career. And, knowing that it is human nature to exaggerate or, at the very least, spin the tale of a situation in your own favour, I guess people would wonder why I didn’t stay there (because the business was being sold) or why I didn’t find another similar job (because I wanted to take time off and because I hated that job in the end and no amount of money could make me go back to it or anything like it). No, I  didn’t intend to be off as long as I was, and no I did not expect to file for bankruptcy before I got back on track, but I was rolling with the punches and those were the punches life threw at me. 

All I wanted was to get up. I was willing to lose the fight to learn how to be better so I could grow to win more fights, and that’s exactly what I did. I’m in training for the title fight now, at the height of my career so far, and I want to talk about the trajectory. But it’s become so long and detailed that I need to summarize it properly. 

I need to summarize my journey to why.

The truth is my life has been about success. As hard as I tried I received in return. When I made an effort in school I got good grades, when I slacked off my grades suffered. When I thought I might fail, I was able to charm the teachers into giving me a passing grade. (In case you’re wondering, by “charm” I mean “get along, work harder and earn better grades”.) It was a real give and take, it worked for me. I was chosen for special projects, I was always encouraged and involved. I loved being involved. 

Five for Friday

Okay, seeing as I have lost my Tumblr privileges as I was composing a FFF post, I’m putting it here instead 😝 Many of these topics will become separate posts… someday… maybe…

1. I’ve decided to stop seeing Freckles but am kind of unsure of how to go about it. He’s moving closer to his work in a couple of weeks so I’ll probably let that be the reason.

2. I really like my new boss. I think she has come into my life to help teach me how to be me.

3. Unionguy *umph*

4. I tremendously enjoyed binge watching all four seasons of Being Erica on Netflix but I’m sad it’s over. It has so many good messages – i.e. the future is not set, our choices have consequences, you can only control yourself and must accept other’s free will, etc. It’s a purely Canadian show and is set in the general area where I love so it was also fun to recognize places and Ontario references that I missed when I watched the first couple seasons while living in Newfoundland in 2011.

5. A really cool thing happened at work today that I’m excited to write about in my professional blog. A young man noticed one of our residents looked unsteady while out for a walk and offered to help him get home. Imagine his surprise when he found out that this man was a Stanley Cup winner who’s tragic career ending accident changed the face of hockey forever. I love seeing younger generations find out that the elderly are people with a rich history and well worth getting to know.

6. In this exact moment, I love everything about my life. I love my home and the work it requires, I love my job and the lessons I am learning, I love my family and that I’ll get to see those I am closest with tomorrow, I love my friends and the multi-generational support system they honoir me with, I love my romantic life and the fact that I get to make decisions based on who I am instead of who I’ve been told I should be – and the sex, oh god, the sex!

7. I love my body, the work it can do, the pleasure it provides. I am taking new steps toward looking on the outside as I am on the inside. And surprise surprise, I’m still learning every day that it has nothing to do with my weight. It does, however, have a lot to do with my hair – time for a new cut!

8. Five? Ha. I laugh in the face of rules!

Thanks for the memories

Today I had a little blast from the past type reminder of what my life used to be like with Miul… 15 texts in less than 2 minutes. Here’s a snapshot:

Apparently he found out that I was back on Tumblr. He said he couldn’t be on there if I was. He needs that support system, I have this, so I deleted the new posts and told him so. I almost told him I was on there as a way to connect with and be a support for him again but I knew that was best left unsaid.

I told him I was sorry about his uncle, that I deleted the Tumblr posts and would stay away. I also asked that he pull back on the text attack or I would have to block his number and he wouldn’t be able to reach me anymore. That seemed to get through and he backed off, thankfully.

I feel so badly for him, for the hell he puts himself though. But this has been a part of my life since 2010 and I know without a doubt that having me in his life will not fix the problem; it might give the anxiety and PTSD an outlet but ruining my life won’t make his life better. That was a long, difficult and hard-learned lesson but being with him changed me and I’m thankful for it.

Third date-ish

Before I started seeing Miul, my friends and family used to say I was too picky in my relationships. I would date someone once or twice and find something I didn’t like and move on to the next one. No one is going to be perfect, they said, you have to take the bad with the good. I was alone for a long time so I figured maybe they were right.

Then I met Miul and tried it their way. We met online so most of our interaction was email, text and Skype. There were things about him that frustrated me but those things were easy to push aside and ignore. And his beautiful words were so right that I let anything wrong slide. I travelled to meet him twice before I moved here and broke up with him both times. But hope for the best (thanks marijuana!) and my loved ones’ voices in my head told me to keep trying so I did. For five years I tried.

Then I met Unionguy and my faith in the possibility that I could meet someone who didn’t drive me completely up the wall was renewed. I left Miul to open my life to that someone. Even if it wasn’t Unionguy that I ended up with, I knew I needed to keep looking until I found someone like him.

Now I’m back to looking, dating, trying. And most guys hold no interest for me. Dateguy didn’t work out. Freckles, quite frankly, irritates me a little more every time I see him – I’ve only seen him three times and I’m already done I think. I hoped it might be okay to just spend time with him even if he isn’t the one I’m looking for but I think it would be selfish of me to do that.

So, here I am again. Still. I know Unionguy isn’t the one either, he’s just the closest I’ve found. And I’m keeping him in my life for as long as I can, until I find Unionguy 2.0 if I have my way. There is no way I am giving up my outrageously unbelievably amazing wonderful sex until I have no other choice. Umph.

Satisfied

Unionguy came over tonight. I tell you, that man not only rocks my world – he rules it. We talked for an hour, made love for an hour, cuddled and talked an giggled for another hour, one more intense oh so amazing orgasm before he went home.

I have never felt so myself as I do with him. He is the person I call when I’m excited or need to vent or release my stresses. He satisfies me like no one ever has; physically, spiritually, mentally. I have resigned myself to the fact that we won’t be together as I used to dream we would but he is the yard stick now, everyone else for the rest of my days will be measured against him. Not too big, not too small, just right. Just. Right.

Poem by Miul

Geezuz, I’m not going to lie to you – my first instinct was to run to him and say “it’s Okay, I forgive you, I love You, come home!”

He has always had a way with words, he has always known how to get to my heart.

It’s not enough. Words are not enough anymore.