Sad

I guess I’m in mourning. Does that explain It? I lost the job and, in tying success with him and the job together, I’m also letting go of Unionguy. Again. I’m putting a terrible energy out into the world but anything else right now would just be fake. So I’ll sit home alone and be sad.

Fine

What are you going to do now Bev? Are you going to gain 40 pounds? Push away all of your friends? Spend the few dollars you have on anything bad for you and/or detrimental to your health?

Nah, I’m going to get up and get back to work. Those are the brakes. I controlled what I could control and I did it well, that’s all I can do and I couldn’t have done better. I don’t know what happens next. I have a serious issue with the job I’m doing now, but I’m not going to rush around searching for something else to do. I have some other things I can concentrate on. I’ll be okay. I’ll be fine. Truly.

Pop

My bubble just exploded. This being happy bullshit is for the birds. I’m not doing it anymore. It’s time to accept that I’m full of fucking shit. 

I seriously have to reevaluate some shit.

Worst and best case scenario

I’m not fucking up my chances this time. I’m giving it all I’ve got and if I fail miserably and lose everything, that’s the price I’ll have to pay. 

I could have kept doing drugs all the time, maybe started smoking again, I’d still be with Miul and miserable, soon I’d look just like his mom and hate every passing day a tiny bit more. We’d be completely broke, trapped in a crappy apartment with the blinds always closed. He’d never be there and when he was there he wouldn’t really be there. And I’d feel like it doesn’t matter if I’m not really there. Except I’d have to be there or he’d lose his shit constantly and ruin every day and hurt my feelings over and over and over because of things that happened 30 years before I knew him. Hahaha no.

How about this instead: I’ll get the job I’ve been working toward for nearly a decade, since I decided to make an effort, look for my passion and actually put myself out there and try. I will be challenged but still kick ass, I’ll become well known and a trusted resource in my community. I’ll save enough money to make a down payment on my house, and my love will finally recognize what an amazing and rare chemistry we share, and we will be together as long as we are both breathing. Yes, that one please.

Stressed

I’m feeling super stressed today. Someone referred to my colleague as the “new boss” and the little mean girl was making faces after I made a joke in our morning meeting. Not a big deal but just minor frustrations adding up. In two days the interview will be over and it will be out of my hands. I’m REALLY looking forward to that moment! 

Joy has become Lucy

It was funny to tell Dateguy about Lucy but it makes me a little sad. Like letting go a bit more. Letting Joy go. Damn, Joy really liked Peter.

But you know something? If I get this job, Unionguy will be in my life for another 5 years or so. And it would be inappropriate for us to screw around. So we could be friends, legitimately!

That’s not why I want the job, like, I probably won’t mention it in my interview, but definitely an added bonus. Manifest destiny, right?

Gotta go study! Intention will only give me the drive, the rest is manual labour. And I’m excited to do it!