I don’t understand how I can be writing about how wonderful Dateguy is in one post and the very next piece of information is my excitement that Unionguy might visit tonight. Why is that? But, then again, why not. Yolo, right? Also, I’m a whore. Lol
I did send that happy birthday text today, btw. Aaaand it turns out his birthday is on Friday. Which is what happens when you don’t write shit down. Nevertheless, I was the first to say it and he appreciated it and that’s all that counts. I wasn’t just trying to get him into my bed, I really meant it. Actually, if anything, I’m trying to keep him out of my bed. But I think we can all agree that I’m really not trying very hard. I’m not inviting him anymore, though. He has to bring up the subject, as he did when he dropped in to visit today. He grabbed me and kissed me before he left. Was fun. That’s all.
You know what the problem is? I don’t think I want to be in a full, long term relationship with him but I’m just so fucking glad he’s a part of my life! He fills up my cup. He makes me want to do better, to try harder, to be all I can be. That is not sustainable in a deep relationship, I don’t think. Or it would get diluted.
I want the dances in the kitchen, the man who is excited to see me and wants me as much as I want him. That is Dateguy.
But Unionguy is like chocolate. An indulgence that I enjoy but simply isn’t healthy to have all the time. Chocolate tastes so good and I always want more, but it’s better in small doses.
Today was the first time I saw him since our last booty call. In the meantime Date guy and I decided to be exclusive, which took future booty calls with Unionguy off the table. I’m okay with it, I’ve been been avoiding him for sure but, overall, I’m happy with the trajectory of my life right now.
Then frickin UG comes walking by as I’m having lunch with a prospect and my heart starts to pound and my palms get sweaty and I’m distracted because all I can think is don’t look at him, don’t look at him. I did, of course, and he’s so fucking charming and sexy I want to punch him in the nose.
That’s my emotional self reacting, though. My logical self knows Date guy is so much better for me. Last night, for instance, we watched a movie and I put my head in his lap as he smoothed my hair and rubbed my back. Right? Fucking sweetheart or what? Shit, I’ve wanted someone like that since I was a kid. Then I took him into my bed and fucked his brains out, which I have also wanted since i was a kid. (Lol Just kidding… wanted to make sure you’re paying attention.)
Date guy wants me and only me. He slaps my ass in bed, he snuggles in the best way. I think we could go the distance.
But I have an unexplainable physical reaction to Unionguy that I can’t explain or control. If I was in a relationship with him, though? He would own me. I would be an absolute slave to him and that would make me miserable. I wouldn’t feel good enough, I wouldn’t trust that he wanted to be with me and I would never trust that he’d be faithful to me. It’s all one sided, anyway. I see him turn on the charm all the time. It has nothing to do with me, it’s just the way he is. I’m just some sucker with a vagina who wanted to take it further. But that’s over now.
Will I be able to be friends with him without this crazy attraction? I want to, but I just don’t know.
This is the problem. This is the thing that can’t be explained. Date guy is so nice and kind and flattering and charming. There’s nothing wrong with him at all.
But Unionguy? Oh, Unionguy is just so…
Not here, Beverly. He’s not here. And even when he is…
Oh, I would take a minute with him over a day with anyone else…
But I’ll get over it…
I will get over him…
Okay, here’s the part where you’ll get to know me real good. In all areas of life I start with yes. In the beginning it is sunshine and happiness; through my rose coloured glasses, I see only hope and possibility. I really like this side of myself and it is the me that people are drawn to.
Inevitably, however, the glasses come off and the clouds appear. From this shaded viewpoint, everything looks different.
You know what? I’m not going to over think it. I’m not going to worry about it. I’m going to roll with it and see what happens.
That means I get to keep screwing Unionguy, right?
Tonight was different. It was fun, it was the most like a booty call and he was definitely the most relaxed/open/himself.
I wasn’t even sure he’d come because there wasn’t the regular flirty build up throughout the day, not even a message since last night. Then he was late and I figured he forgot all about it, and thought that was as it should be.
When he got here he was so animated and chatty, I instantly thought that the whole thing would turn out to be a huge error in judgement. How could date guy possibly live up to this? I’m just so crazy about this fucker.
The sex was better than ever, and that’s saying a lot. He was more vocal, more responsive, more… everything. I’m just so crazy about him it’s outrageous.
But while I really enjoy these stolen moments with him, date guy likes me all the time. He’s fun and flirty and wants to be with me (from what I can tell so far, obv).
I look forward to seeing what it’s like with date guy this weekend. We’ll be spending most of the weekend together and by Sunday I’ll at least know if he’s a good kisser and if he turns me on, hopefully also penis. I want this to happen. I so hope it is good.
Only time will tell…
But just look at this guy. Can this be real? Is this sustainable???
My boss said my eyes lit up as I was telling her about my date last night. I feel a little giggly.
[Before I go further, I would like to digress for a moment to comment on something. Several times since I started talking to him, including a moment ago, I would see a notification for a random email on my phone and a thought would sweep through my mind so quickly it was barely perceptible. That it would be an email from date guy, saying he doesn’t want to continue seeing me. I’m interested to know that the very idea of that happening makes my heart feel heavy. Also, he doesn’t even have my email address so stop being an idiot, me!]
Anyway… back to lighter things…
We went for a walk last night and then came to my place for an impromptu dinner. While I was in the kitchen he tinkered around on the piano and then I asked him to pull out my guitar (which I don’t know how to play) and see if it’s a piece of junk like Miul said. Date guy said it’s not bad at all, then he tuned it, then he started playing/singing and my vagina started humming along. Lol
We ate, he had seconds, then dessert and watched a comedy show. I snuggled into him on my very uncomfortable 50 year old sofa and I think it nearly broke his back but he said it was worth it.
We’re going out again on Saturday. I want to see him naked. I want to kiss him and touch him. I want to know.
I’m horny as hell and, while I momentarily considered asking Unionguy if he wants to drop by tomorrow, I don’t think I will. I’ll wait and let it build with date guy and see if we have anything here. I think we might. How fun/scary/exciting/nice.
I feel very good around him. He makes me feel calm and cared for. So far, so far.