Okay, seeing as I have lost my Tumblr privileges as I was composing a FFF post, I’m putting it here instead 😝 Many of these topics will become separate posts… someday… maybe…
1. I’ve decided to stop seeing Freckles but am kind of unsure of how to go about it. He’s moving closer to his work in a couple of weeks so I’ll probably let that be the reason.
2. I really like my new boss. I think she has come into my life to help teach me how to be me.
3. Unionguy *umph*
4. I tremendously enjoyed binge watching all four seasons of Being Erica on Netflix but I’m sad it’s over. It has so many good messages – i.e. the future is not set, our choices have consequences, you can only control yourself and must accept other’s free will, etc. It’s a purely Canadian show and is set in the general area where I love so it was also fun to recognize places and Ontario references that I missed when I watched the first couple seasons while living in Newfoundland in 2011.
5. A really cool thing happened at work today that I’m excited to write about in my professional blog. A young man noticed one of our residents looked unsteady while out for a walk and offered to help him get home. Imagine his surprise when he found out that this man was a Stanley Cup winner who’s tragic career ending accident changed the face of hockey forever. I love seeing younger generations find out that the elderly are people with a rich history and well worth getting to know.
6. In this exact moment, I love everything about my life. I love my home and the work it requires, I love my job and the lessons I am learning, I love my family and that I’ll get to see those I am closest with tomorrow, I love my friends and the multi-generational support system they honoir me with, I love my romantic life and the fact that I get to make decisions based on who I am instead of who I’ve been told I should be – and the sex, oh god, the sex!
7. I love my body, the work it can do, the pleasure it provides. I am taking new steps toward looking on the outside as I am on the inside. And surprise surprise, I’m still learning every day that it has nothing to do with my weight. It does, however, have a lot to do with my hair – time for a new cut!
8. Five? Ha. I laugh in the face of rules!
Before I started seeing Miul, my friends and family used to say I was too picky in my relationships. I would date someone once or twice and find something I didn’t like and move on to the next one. No one is going to be perfect, they said, you have to take the bad with the good. I was alone for a long time so I figured maybe they were right.
Then I met Miul and tried it their way. We met online so most of our interaction was email, text and Skype. There were things about him that frustrated me but those things were easy to push aside and ignore. And his beautiful words were so right that I let anything wrong slide. I travelled to meet him twice before I moved here and broke up with him both times. But hope for the best (thanks marijuana!) and my loved ones’ voices in my head told me to keep trying so I did. For five years I tried.
Then I met Unionguy and my faith in the possibility that I could meet someone who didn’t drive me completely up the wall was renewed. I left Miul to open my life to that someone. Even if it wasn’t Unionguy that I ended up with, I knew I needed to keep looking until I found someone like him.
Now I’m back to looking, dating, trying. And most guys hold no interest for me. Dateguy didn’t work out. Freckles, quite frankly, irritates me a little more every time I see him – I’ve only seen him three times and I’m already done I think. I hoped it might be okay to just spend time with him even if he isn’t the one I’m looking for but I think it would be selfish of me to do that.
So, here I am again. Still. I know Unionguy isn’t the one either, he’s just the closest I’ve found. And I’m keeping him in my life for as long as I can, until I find Unionguy 2.0 if I have my way. There is no way I am giving up my outrageously unbelievably amazing wonderful sex until I have no other choice. Umph.
Unionguy came over tonight. I tell you, that man not only rocks my world – he rules it. We talked for an hour, made love for an hour, cuddled and talked an giggled for another hour, one more intense oh so amazing orgasm before he went home.
I have never felt so myself as I do with him. He is the person I call when I’m excited or need to vent or release my stresses. He satisfies me like no one ever has; physically, spiritually, mentally. I have resigned myself to the fact that we won’t be together as I used to dream we would but he is the yard stick now, everyone else for the rest of my days will be measured against him. Not too big, not too small, just right. Just. Right.
This man. The feels. The smell. The mother fucking sensations. Oh God, it’s like he is from another world. The same other world I’m from. He doesn’t get it though. Maybe he doesn’t feel the same, maybe he doesn’t let it in, maybe he can’t. I don’t know and the reason doesn’t matter if the result is the same. But I love him. I love him. And there’s nothing I can do about it, except wait and see how it all plays out.
I don’t understand how I can be writing about how wonderful Dateguy is in one post and the very next piece of information is my excitement that Unionguy might visit tonight. Why is that? But, then again, why not. Yolo, right? Also, I’m a whore. Lol
I did send that happy birthday text today, btw. Aaaand it turns out his birthday is on Friday. Which is what happens when you don’t write shit down. Nevertheless, I was the first to say it and he appreciated it and that’s all that counts. I wasn’t just trying to get him into my bed, I really meant it. Actually, if anything, I’m trying to keep him out of my bed. But I think we can all agree that I’m really not trying very hard. I’m not inviting him anymore, though. He has to bring up the subject, as he did when he dropped in to visit today. He grabbed me and kissed me before he left. Was fun. That’s all.
You know what the problem is? I don’t think I want to be in a full, long term relationship with him but I’m just so fucking glad he’s a part of my life! He fills up my cup. He makes me want to do better, to try harder, to be all I can be. That is not sustainable in a deep relationship, I don’t think. Or it would get diluted.
I want the dances in the kitchen, the man who is excited to see me and wants me as much as I want him. That is Dateguy.
But Unionguy is like chocolate. An indulgence that I enjoy but simply isn’t healthy to have all the time. Chocolate tastes so good and I always want more, but it’s better in small doses.