Fine

What are you going to do now Bev? Are you going to gain 40 pounds? Push away all of your friends? Spend the few dollars you have on anything bad for you and/or detrimental to your health?

Nah, I’m going to get up and get back to work. Those are the brakes. I controlled what I could control and I did it well, that’s all I can do and I couldn’t have done better. I don’t know what happens next. I have a serious issue with the job I’m doing now, but I’m not going to rush around searching for something else to do. I have some other things I can concentrate on. I’ll be okay. I’ll be fine. Truly.

Stressed

I’m feeling super stressed today. Someone referred to my colleague as the “new boss” and the little mean girl was making faces after I made a joke in our morning meeting. Not a big deal but just minor frustrations adding up. In two days the interview will be over and it will be out of my hands. I’m REALLY looking forward to that moment! 

Joy has become Lucy

It was funny to tell Dateguy about Lucy but it makes me a little sad. Like letting go a bit more. Letting Joy go. Damn, Joy really liked Peter.

But you know something? If I get this job, Unionguy will be in my life for another 5 years or so. And it would be inappropriate for us to screw around. So we could be friends, legitimately!

That’s not why I want the job, like, I probably won’t mention it in my interview, but definitely an added bonus. Manifest destiny, right?

Gotta go study! Intention will only give me the drive, the rest is manual labour. And I’m excited to do it!

That’s what I said

Since I didn’t get to enjoy a good luck fuck tonight (*teehee*) I’ve been looking through old notebooks for thoughts and ideas about improving the workplace that I’ve written down over the years. There’s a definite, repeating group of themes in these scribbles: money/budget, weight/exercise/time management, school/career ideas, and, of course, men. I found seversl notes about what I’m looking for in a man, they’re all still valid but it seems that the list is getting longer and more specific as the years pass.

2008

2009

2010

2016

Step 2

Today I was given an appointment for my first interview, which will be by phone on Thursday. 

I’ve spent the rest of the day wishing I had a cheat sheet of questions so I can start preparing. It’s harder by phone sometimes because you don’t have the advantage of seeing their expression and body language. On the other hand, I guess, they won’t see me fumble or pick my nose so you have to take the bad with the good. 

How will I prepare? I’m going to get exercising again, to start. And then ill review the notes of ideas I’ve been entering in notebooks for the past near decade. Maybe I’ll try writing out answers to expected questions. I wish I could talk it out more with someone, out loud practice. That is a bit of a struggle for me. I’m pretty easy going, which will be beneficial on the job because it allows me to be open minded and flexible, however, it also makes it hard to stay focused and express myself sometimes. I’m sure I’ll do well enough to get to the next level but I want this woman to hang up the phone and think – wow, this chick really has it all figured out!

Wish me luck!

Yes, it’s a matter of fact I am still talking about him

You know what the problem is? I don’t think I want to be in a full, long term relationship with him but I’m just so fucking glad he’s a part of my life! He fills up my cup. He makes me want to do better, to try harder, to be all I can be. That is not sustainable in a deep relationship, I don’t think. Or it would get diluted. 

I want the dances in the kitchen, the man who is excited to see me and wants me as much as I want him. That is Dateguy. 

But Unionguy is like chocolate. An indulgence that I enjoy but simply isn’t healthy to have all the time. Chocolate tastes so good and I always want more, but it’s better in small doses.

No bow

I keep telling myself that I should tell Unionguy that I’m in a relationship now but every time I speak with him I avoid the subject. I know I want to put my all into this thing with Dateguy, so why the hesitation? 

I think there is more than one reason. First of all, we seem to have backed off the sex aspect of our relationship naturally. We still talk from time to time, I got overly excited when I saw him last week but we don’t discuss having sex anymore. It only happened when I invited him over, anyway, and I don’t do that now. Second, what if things don’t work out with Dateguy? I mean, I obviously hope this lasts but it’s early days and anything could happen at this point. I don’t want to close this door when I’m not yet over the threshold of the next. Thirdly, I like talking to him, he explains the world to me in a way I understand and a way no one else ever has. I don’t feel so lost in the universe as I did before I met him. And most importantly I think, definitely the reason that just came to me as I hung up the phone with him, I genuinely value his friendship and I want him in my life. Not that he’d never speak with me again if I officially take sex off the table but would he make as much effort as a chum as he does a prospective bedmate? I don’t know, but I also don’t know if I want to find out right now. 

Maybe this is one thing I don’t need to tie neatly with a bow, maybe this can just be. As it always has been. We have a sexual tension between us that I enjoy. I’m not going to act on it, I just don’t want to kill it. There’s nothing wrong with that, is there?

(The first thing he said when he called was “you’re probably going to have to talk me down off a ledge because I am really excited about this job opportunity for you!”)