the lens through which
you see it.
I keep telling myself that I should tell Unionguy that I’m in a relationship now but every time I speak with him I avoid the subject. I know I want to put my all into this thing with Dateguy, so why the hesitation?
I think there is more than one reason. First of all, we seem to have backed off the sex aspect of our relationship naturally. We still talk from time to time, I got overly excited when I saw him last week but we don’t discuss having sex anymore. It only happened when I invited him over, anyway, and I don’t do that now. Second, what if things don’t work out with Dateguy? I mean, I obviously hope this lasts but it’s early days and anything could happen at this point. I don’t want to close this door when I’m not yet over the threshold of the next. Thirdly, I like talking to him, he explains the world to me in a way I understand and a way no one else ever has. I don’t feel so lost in the universe as I did before I met him. And most importantly I think, definitely the reason that just came to me as I hung up the phone with him, I genuinely value his friendship and I want him in my life. Not that he’d never speak with me again if I officially take sex off the table but would he make as much effort as a chum as he does a prospective bedmate? I don’t know, but I also don’t know if I want to find out right now.
Maybe this is one thing I don’t need to tie neatly with a bow, maybe this can just be. As it always has been. We have a sexual tension between us that I enjoy. I’m not going to act on it, I just don’t want to kill it. There’s nothing wrong with that, is there?
(The first thing he said when he called was “you’re probably going to have to talk me down off a ledge because I am really excited about this job opportunity for you!”)
What do you think? Is there any way to recall that stupid ass drunken text I sent Unionguy last night? Please, science? Help me turn back time. Just a little.
Why do I think I’m so damn cute? I sent that unsent text I posted last night. There was nothing over the top wrong with it but still… if I could turn back time, I would. Unnecessary. Lesson learned yet, me?
Update 5/29: he sent a message about something else the next day and said he received the note and was flattered… I told him I didn’t say it to flatter him, I said it to tell him off! That’s the last even almost flirty exchange between us. I like how it’s just fading without any big hoo-haw.
Today was the first time I saw him since our last booty call. In the meantime Date guy and I decided to be exclusive, which took future booty calls with Unionguy off the table. I’m okay with it, I’ve been been avoiding him for sure but, overall, I’m happy with the trajectory of my life right now.
Then frickin UG comes walking by as I’m having lunch with a prospect and my heart starts to pound and my palms get sweaty and I’m distracted because all I can think is don’t look at him, don’t look at him. I did, of course, and he’s so fucking charming and sexy I want to punch him in the nose.
That’s my emotional self reacting, though. My logical self knows Date guy is so much better for me. Last night, for instance, we watched a movie and I put my head in his lap as he smoothed my hair and rubbed my back. Right? Fucking sweetheart or what? Shit, I’ve wanted someone like that since I was a kid. Then I took him into my bed and fucked his brains out, which I have also wanted since i was a kid. (Lol Just kidding… wanted to make sure you’re paying attention.)
Date guy wants me and only me. He slaps my ass in bed, he snuggles in the best way. I think we could go the distance.
But I have an unexplainable physical reaction to Unionguy that I can’t explain or control. If I was in a relationship with him, though? He would own me. I would be an absolute slave to him and that would make me miserable. I wouldn’t feel good enough, I wouldn’t trust that he wanted to be with me and I would never trust that he’d be faithful to me. It’s all one sided, anyway. I see him turn on the charm all the time. It has nothing to do with me, it’s just the way he is. I’m just some sucker with a vagina who wanted to take it further. But that’s over now.
Will I be able to be friends with him without this crazy attraction? I want to, but I just don’t know.
Monday night I was sad and lonely and told myself to wait for things to get better, just wait. Tuesday night I went to the gym with my boss after work and then participated in no less than six concurrent texting conversations, including date guy, sister, BFF, mom, friend Kelly, and neighbour Donna. Then I heard from the guy I like on POF, who I thought was long gone.
It is Wednesday. And guess who is coming to visit? 😁
We are so much fun.
Guess who’s a big slut.
To date I have lost 49 pounds, completely without effort. But that’s 49 pounds from my heaviest, which was a few years ago, and about 20 lost since I left Miul and moved out on my own.
People always ask how I’m losing weight, what am I doing different, why am seeing results that I hadn’t seen previously. I’m going to share my secret with you: I have no idea. But if there was one thing I could attribute it to is that I fell in love… with salad.
I hear people complain about having to eat salad when they’re trying to lose weight all the time and it makes me sad. Perspective, my friends. You don’t “have” to do anything. You need to turn things around and find a way to see them differently.
Salad is the most diverse and fun food I’ve ever eaten. Not only is it quick and economical, I genuinely enjoy the process of putting different variations together.
Sometimes, when I’m looking for inspiration, I’ll recreate meals I already know and love – such as my sub salad from yesterday. Sometimes I’m broke and don’t have much to spend on groceries so the ingredients are completely determined by what’s in the fridge/cupboard – like today’s lunch (which turned out way better than expected!).
Anyway, as inspiration for those who feel they “have” to eat healthy, I thought I’d share some of my simple concoctions. Because I’m a giver! And, quite frankly, I’m tired of only talking about boys all the time. lol
First, a few basics: I keep individual portions of meat in the freezer (chicken, ham, taco beef, etc) so I can just pop them into the microwave for 40 seconds while I prep the rest. I also try to keep washed lettuce on hand as much as possible. Lastly, you will rarely find less than two types of cheese in my fridge, it’s usually five or more (old cheddar, white cheddar, feta, parmesan, goat cheese, etc).
Kitchen sink salad
Boiled egg, chopped
I guess what I’m dealing with right now is the realization that the woman I idolized my whole life and basically formed my life after was a complete fake.
But even as I write this I know she believed in the things she told me back then as much as I did. I think she just lost it. Or, most likely, she was going along without paying attention so when she lost what made her happy she simply didn’t know how to find it again.
As an adult I know that I have to live my life very intentionally. Part of that means finding out what/who gives me energy and what/who takes it away. Sadly, my mother is now one who takes my energy. I still love her, she is my mother, but she is no longer my friend.
(Do I dump people too easily? I seem to spend a lot of time alone these days. Hmm… I’ll have to get back to you about that.)