Five for Friday

Okay, seeing as I have lost my Tumblr privileges as I was composing a FFF post, I’m putting it here instead ­čśŁ Many of these topics will become separate posts… someday… maybe…

1. I’ve decided to stop seeing Freckles but am kind of unsure of how to go about it. He’s moving closer to his work in a couple of weeks so I’ll probably let that be the reason.

2. I really like my new boss. I think she has come into my life to help teach me how to be me.

3. Unionguy *umph*

4. I tremendously enjoyed binge watching all four seasons of Being Erica on Netflix but I’m sad it’s over. It has so many good messages – i.e. the future is not set, our choices have consequences, you can only control yourself and must accept other’s free will, etc. It’s a purely Canadian show and is set in the general area where I love so it was also fun to recognize places and Ontario references that I missed when I watched the first couple seasons while living in Newfoundland in 2011.

5. A really cool thing happened at work today that I’m excited to write about in my professional blog. A young man noticed one of our residents looked unsteady while out for a walk and offered to help him get home. Imagine his surprise when he found out that this man was a Stanley Cup winner who’s tragic career ending accident changed the face of hockey forever. I love seeing younger generations find out that the elderly are people with a rich history and well worth getting to know.

6. In this exact moment, I love everything about my life. I love my home and the work it requires, I love my job and the lessons I am learning, I love my family and that I’ll get to see those I am closest with tomorrow, I love my friends and the multi-generational support system they honoir me with, I love my romantic life and the fact that I get to make decisions based on who I am instead of who I’ve been told I should be – and the sex, oh god, the sex!

7. I love my body, the work it can do, the pleasure it provides. I am taking new steps toward looking on the outside as I am on the inside. And surprise surprise, I’m still learning every day that it has nothing to do with my weight. It does, however, have a lot to do with my hair – time for a new cut!

8. Five? Ha. I laugh in the face of rules!

Seriously

Have I told you about this salad yet? I’m drooling because I want to post this and start eating. What version of me gets excited about salad?? I swear, I’ve never been excited about any food that was even reasonably good for me in my life! (I’m just gonna go with it. *winky face*)

Strawberries

Avocado

Cucumber

Pecans

Feta

Lettuce

Chicken

Salt & pepper

Poppy seed dressing

Mwah!!!!

Nothing

The hardest thing for me in this moment is to do nothing. I know Miul is struggling and I want so much to help. But that would help me, not him. Does that make sense? I truly believe that reaching out to him would keep his feelings for me current and present, without me they will eventually fade. I can’t be with him anymore, I won’t. It’s not even a consideration. Nothing would change in the long run and we would just have to go through all of this again. And I just don’t have those feelings for him anymore.

But I so want to help. Perhaps I need to help him by staying away. And maybe I need to help me by not reading his blog a hundred times a day.

I’m also struggling with my need to ‘do’ in other areas of my life. I need something to happen. Will I get this job and move again? Will something else happen that will make me stay? Can’t I make my decisions yet?? Obviously the answer is no. I don’t have all of the information needed So I have to wait until I do. And I’m not going to get drunk and stoned while I wait. I mean maybe a little (*teehee*) but I’m not going to get lost in it like I usually do.

I have lots of things I can do instead. Work outside the house on nice days, paint and clean inside on crappy days. My job is uber boring right now but there are things I can do to pass the time.

Argh. Controlling these moods and frustrations are rough. I don’t know what I’d do without my house. Well, I guess I do know – I’d get stoned, if eat too much, I’d sleep a lot. So thankful I don’t have to revert to that again.

Dream come true

At 5am I woke from a dream in which I was giving my brother some serious shit. As I came to consciousness I continued telling him off, and then I started in on Miul, and then was about to start in on Unionguy when I realized something amazing – I figured out what is wrong.

I knew I was missing something since Miul have been apart, I knew it was something he not necessarily gave me but brought out in me. And all this time I couldn’t put my finger on it. I thought it was my nice, my compassion but I am that in my job. I thought it might be feelings of love, but I have lots of love for my sister, for Unionguy, for the people at my work. Whatever it was, I knew it was steadily slipping away from me until that chick from work spewed her venum all over me in March and then it was gone. I’ve been looking for it ever since. I thought I had it figured out. Maybe I still don’t. But, for epiphany’s sake, today I discovered I lost my anger. No, not anger, drive. My fight.

My relationship with Miul was very turbulent. It was good, it was bad, and we would always get to a point where things would come to a head, we would fight it out and clear the air. I don’t get to clear the air very much anymore. I repress, I keep things inside again and it is starting to eat away at me. Again. I try to push it down with drugs and alcohol, lately I’ve been feeding it with junk food and, yes, cigarettes (still only one, but half of that one two days in a row). I need to exercise it to the surface and beat the shit out of it again. And, perhaps I need someone in my life that I can be real and open with again. Will that ever happen? I don’t know.

What I do know is these feelings of worthlessness have been slipping back into my life. I have lost the will or freedom or ability or means to fight it out. And I’m not going to walk around telling everyone that frustrates me how I feel about them, it doesn’t help anything. But I do need to do two things: let that shit out, and stop feeling that way.

I could call my brother out of the blue and tell him what a selfish, self-involved asshole I think he is. What would that accomplish? We already barely have a thread of a relationship and, even though his attitude and manner drives me crazy, telling him all this shit isn’t going to make him suddenly say “ohmygod, Bev, you’re right! how could I have not seen this before? thank you so much!”

I could tell Miul that I think he is his own worst enemy, that it is his focus on himself that is going to kill him if he lets it. It will make him say “you’re right, Bev, I am worthless and I might as well kill myself.” I really do want that fucking cat but I don’t want him to die to get it.

So maybe instead I need to tell myself, as I did, recognize that anger, own it, let it out and beat the shit out of it. Get some gumption again, lady, and get the fuck up already. You make all these promises and you don’t keep them. You go in circles, thinking drugs and booze and junk food are your medicine, taking dose after dose, thinking it will help but all it does is push you down further and further. You think you are your friend but you are becoming your own worst enemy – again. Get pissed off already! You can do better, you can do so much fucking better.

I know. I’ve been up for an hour, cleaned up my office, going to go exercise and eat a healthy breakfast and go out into the world ready to kick some serious ass. But at some point something will be said or inferred that hurts my feelings, someone will do something that pisses me off, I’ll get a text or an email and it will drain me of my resolve. How will I keep this going? How will I remember? That’ll be the challenge, I guess. Am I ready for it? Fuck yes, motherfucker! Let’s go!

Unintended consequence 

I feel terrible today. So sluggish and lethargic, no energy, no drive to do anything. Basically you could say my ‘get up and go’ got up and went. And it’s not just that I’m tired, my stomach feels weak, my movements are slow, my head is heavy.

It made me think back to the days when this was a regular state of being for me. So I checked my old inventory:

Did I get enough sleep? Not a ton but definitely sufficient. Especially counting my weekend naps.

How about exercise? Yes, a bit of walking and gardening on the weekend, 20 minutes of cardio this morning. 

Meals on time? Yogurt and granola for breakfast, salad for lunch. Sufficient. 

Stressed? Fuck yes. This weekend was kind of overwhelming, but should that make me yawn so much?

Meds? On time and up to date. 

Caffeinated? As much as ever.

Relationships? Oh, please don’t get me started on what a bloody shit show this weekend has been. (Just kidding, you know I’ll fill you in later!)

I don’t want to work, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to think. I want to eat, and I find myself disappointed that I know logically and emotionally that food is not the medicine that heals, in fact I think it would make me feel worse.

And that’s when the answer hit me. I ate nothing but crap all weekend. For at least three days I’ve eaten nothing healthy; pasta and alfredo sauce, McDonald’s, Wendy’s twice, buttertarts and ice cream galore. My body is craving more crap but I think it’s the crap that is holding me down. 

Just as it has for the better part of my adult life. But not since I started eating salads and vegetables, not since I began making an effort to give my body the fuel it needs to run efficiently. 

Dammit. Guess I won’t be getting pizza for dinner.