Five for Friday

Okay, seeing as I have lost my Tumblr privileges as I was composing a FFF post, I’m putting it here instead 😝 Many of these topics will become separate posts… someday… maybe…

1. I’ve decided to stop seeing Freckles but am kind of unsure of how to go about it. He’s moving closer to his work in a couple of weeks so I’ll probably let that be the reason.

2. I really like my new boss. I think she has come into my life to help teach me how to be me.

3. Unionguy *umph*

4. I tremendously enjoyed binge watching all four seasons of Being Erica on Netflix but I’m sad it’s over. It has so many good messages – i.e. the future is not set, our choices have consequences, you can only control yourself and must accept other’s free will, etc. It’s a purely Canadian show and is set in the general area where I love so it was also fun to recognize places and Ontario references that I missed when I watched the first couple seasons while living in Newfoundland in 2011.

5. A really cool thing happened at work today that I’m excited to write about in my professional blog. A young man noticed one of our residents looked unsteady while out for a walk and offered to help him get home. Imagine his surprise when he found out that this man was a Stanley Cup winner who’s tragic career ending accident changed the face of hockey forever. I love seeing younger generations find out that the elderly are people with a rich history and well worth getting to know.

6. In this exact moment, I love everything about my life. I love my home and the work it requires, I love my job and the lessons I am learning, I love my family and that I’ll get to see those I am closest with tomorrow, I love my friends and the multi-generational support system they honoir me with, I love my romantic life and the fact that I get to make decisions based on who I am instead of who I’ve been told I should be – and the sex, oh god, the sex!

7. I love my body, the work it can do, the pleasure it provides. I am taking new steps toward looking on the outside as I am on the inside. And surprise surprise, I’m still learning every day that it has nothing to do with my weight. It does, however, have a lot to do with my hair – time for a new cut!

8. Five? Ha. I laugh in the face of rules!

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Dream come true

At 5am I woke from a dream in which I was giving my brother some serious shit. As I came to consciousness I continued telling him off, and then I started in on Miul, and then was about to start in on Unionguy when I realized something amazing – I figured out what is wrong.

I knew I was missing something since Miul have been apart, I knew it was something he not necessarily gave me but brought out in me. And all this time I couldn’t put my finger on it. I thought it was my nice, my compassion but I am that in my job. I thought it might be feelings of love, but I have lots of love for my sister, for Unionguy, for the people at my work. Whatever it was, I knew it was steadily slipping away from me until that chick from work spewed her venum all over me in March and then it was gone. I’ve been looking for it ever since. I thought I had it figured out. Maybe I still don’t. But, for epiphany’s sake, today I discovered I lost my anger. No, not anger, drive. My fight.

My relationship with Miul was very turbulent. It was good, it was bad, and we would always get to a point where things would come to a head, we would fight it out and clear the air. I don’t get to clear the air very much anymore. I repress, I keep things inside again and it is starting to eat away at me. Again. I try to push it down with drugs and alcohol, lately I’ve been feeding it with junk food and, yes, cigarettes (still only one, but half of that one two days in a row). I need to exercise it to the surface and beat the shit out of it again. And, perhaps I need someone in my life that I can be real and open with again. Will that ever happen? I don’t know.

What I do know is these feelings of worthlessness have been slipping back into my life. I have lost the will or freedom or ability or means to fight it out. And I’m not going to walk around telling everyone that frustrates me how I feel about them, it doesn’t help anything. But I do need to do two things: let that shit out, and stop feeling that way.

I could call my brother out of the blue and tell him what a selfish, self-involved asshole I think he is. What would that accomplish? We already barely have a thread of a relationship and, even though his attitude and manner drives me crazy, telling him all this shit isn’t going to make him suddenly say “ohmygod, Bev, you’re right! how could I have not seen this before? thank you so much!”

I could tell Miul that I think he is his own worst enemy, that it is his focus on himself that is going to kill him if he lets it. It will make him say “you’re right, Bev, I am worthless and I might as well kill myself.” I really do want that fucking cat but I don’t want him to die to get it.

So maybe instead I need to tell myself, as I did, recognize that anger, own it, let it out and beat the shit out of it. Get some gumption again, lady, and get the fuck up already. You make all these promises and you don’t keep them. You go in circles, thinking drugs and booze and junk food are your medicine, taking dose after dose, thinking it will help but all it does is push you down further and further. You think you are your friend but you are becoming your own worst enemy – again. Get pissed off already! You can do better, you can do so much fucking better.

I know. I’ve been up for an hour, cleaned up my office, going to go exercise and eat a healthy breakfast and go out into the world ready to kick some serious ass. But at some point something will be said or inferred that hurts my feelings, someone will do something that pisses me off, I’ll get a text or an email and it will drain me of my resolve. How will I keep this going? How will I remember? That’ll be the challenge, I guess. Am I ready for it? Fuck yes, motherfucker! Let’s go!

Evening fire at sister’s house 

Hanging out with my sister’s fam for the weekend so I can go check out the place where I applied for the job tomorrow. Also having lunch with a school friend that I haven’t seen in 17 years… shit, 27 years. (How is that possible?) 

I’m getting excited by the prospect of this. Also glad that if this specific job doesn’t pan out, my employer has about 15 more residences with an hour of here.

Would be pretty cool to be close by, especially when the baby comes in the fall. Do you know I originally decided to move here and get a job as a GM in this area in 2009? I’m not one to move through life too fast, apparently. 

Oh, life. Where are you taking me? Some day I’ll get it right.
Won’t I?

Won’t I????

Mommyssues

I guess what I’m dealing with right now is the realization that the woman I idolized my whole life and basically formed my life after was a complete fake.

But even as I write this I know she believed in the things she told me back then as much as I did. I think she just lost it. Or, most likely, she was going along without paying attention so when she lost what made her happy she simply didn’t know how to find it again.

As an adult I know that I have to live my life very intentionally. Part of that means finding out what/who gives me energy and what/who takes it away. Sadly, my mother is now one who takes my energy. I still love her, she is my mother, but she is no longer my friend. 
(Do I dump people too easily? I seem to spend a lot of time alone these days. Hmm… I’ll have to get back to you about that.)

Trigger happy

I ate a LOT this weekend. Like, real crappy food. I have been stoned three days straight. And have barely gotten off the couch.

I keep wondering what’s causing all this, what the trigger is. Starting things with Unionguy again? I hope not! My mom’s visit? Maybe. The fact that I’ve barely exercised in the past two weeks? Wait, is that a trigger or another side effect of the trigger? 

What if I’m super stressed about something? What would that be? Money? Regaining the weight I’ve lost? 

Is this rebellion? Is this fuck you I’ll do what I want behaviour? Is it loneliness? Boredom?

Am I rewarding myself because I’m so damn impressed with myself? Maybe I’m just all cocky and hot shit because I got my way again.

What if there is no trigger? What if this is just how I’m spending my weekend and next weekend I’ll probably do something different. 

Yes, I like that last one. Ima stick with that, thanks. 

Last night 

He came over. And it was good, so damn good. He plays my body like a one man band of lust. Umph. Of course, I was feeling much more free due to my recent wonderful epiphany. 

Something clicked and I got the answer finally. The Christmas card thought really synched it, I think. To me he is Unionguy. To everyone else he is Unionguy “and” Carol. (Her name isn’t actually Carol but I keep thinking it is for some odd reason, and so it has become.) For myself and everyone else, I don’t want to be “and” anyone.

I feel completely free of my frustration and concern over this situation. Having Mom here for a few days made a big difference… in my discovery of what NOT to do. 

I explained it to him, after I let him have his way with me, the tendency of deferring opinions. This strong-willed, confident, independent woman letting everyone else go first and struggling because I can’t have my turn if they don’t have theirs. A learned habit left over from my childhood. I figured out the crap behind it originally – low self esteem, feeling of worthlessness – but didn’t know until now that the coping mechanism had never been adjusted to keep up with the changes.

And Joy. Oh, Joy is so happy to have her playmate back. And the rest of me is over the moon that I don’t have to put up with any relationship crap for that to happen! Someday I’ll want that again, maybe, but I still have a little bitterness over promises unkept.  

I felt guilty for leaving Miul but he completely bullshited his way into my life and was in deep long before I looked up and realized it. And, now that I think of it, he completely took advantage of my deferring ways and the only opinions that counted were his. I can’t believe I didn’t know that.

The heart that needs to love must also trust. I trust Unionguy. I believe in him to never hurt me for his own gain, to keep my best interests at heart if at all possible, to give me space when I need it. And the sex. Ohgod the sex!!

Thank you, kismet, karma or whomever. Thank you. 

Good mourning 

Just dropped Mom at the airport, alone again. I struggle in my relationship with her but it was good to have company this week. At the same time, I haven’t had a chance to release this sadness. I really need to do that this weekend. 

I don’t know why I’m so hopeful that things will turn around. Actually, that’s not really true, is it? I know why. I live life in the good, looking for signs of getting what I want as I find new ways to want what I get. 

Some day I will look back at this time and know it was exactly what I needed. Today I’m just going to smoke some weed and let my feelings out.

Tonight

I brought my mom to a work thing tonight. She sat with all of the old people in the audience and watched me and my co-workers do some line dancing. And I laughed because I felt like that kid who would call out to mom in the bleachers at skating practice “did you see me mom? did I do good?” That is who I was but I guess it is also who I am again. 
I always tell people that working with seniors means I spend my days with 100 of my grandparents. They are kind and supportive and they always tell me when I’ve done good. Probably more importantly, they also let me know when I can do better. They believe in me which always makes me want to try harder.

It is a very good life.