Mommyssues

I guess what I’m dealing with right now is the realization that the woman I idolized my whole life and basically formed my life after was a complete fake.

But even as I write this I know she believed in the things she told me back then as much as I did. I think she just lost it. Or, most likely, she was going along without paying attention so when she lost what made her happy she simply didn’t know how to find it again.

As an adult I know that I have to live my life very intentionally. Part of that means finding out what/who gives me energy and what/who takes it away. Sadly, my mother is now one who takes my energy. I still love her, she is my mother, but she is no longer my friend. 
(Do I dump people too easily? I seem to spend a lot of time alone these days. Hmm… I’ll have to get back to you about that.)

Trigger happy

I ate a LOT this weekend. Like, real crappy food. I have been stoned three days straight. And have barely gotten off the couch.

I keep wondering what’s causing all this, what the trigger is. Starting things with Unionguy again? I hope not! My mom’s visit? Maybe. The fact that I’ve barely exercised in the past two weeks? Wait, is that a trigger or another side effect of the trigger? 

What if I’m super stressed about something? What would that be? Money? Regaining the weight I’ve lost? 

Is this rebellion? Is this fuck you I’ll do what I want behaviour? Is it loneliness? Boredom?

Am I rewarding myself because I’m so damn impressed with myself? Maybe I’m just all cocky and hot shit because I got my way again.

What if there is no trigger? What if this is just how I’m spending my weekend and next weekend I’ll probably do something different. 

Yes, I like that last one. Ima stick with that, thanks. 

Last night 

He came over. And it was good, so damn good. He plays my body like a one man band of lust. Umph. Of course, I was feeling much more free due to my recent wonderful epiphany. 

Something clicked and I got the answer finally. The Christmas card thought really synched it, I think. To me he is Unionguy. To everyone else he is Unionguy “and” Carol. (Her name isn’t actually Carol but I keep thinking it is for some odd reason, and so it has become.) For myself and everyone else, I don’t want to be “and” anyone.

I feel completely free of my frustration and concern over this situation. Having Mom here for a few days made a big difference… in my discovery of what NOT to do. 

I explained it to him, after I let him have his way with me, the tendency of deferring opinions. This strong-willed, confident, independent woman letting everyone else go first and struggling because I can’t have my turn if they don’t have theirs. A learned habit left over from my childhood. I figured out the crap behind it originally – low self esteem, feeling of worthlessness – but didn’t know until now that the coping mechanism had never been adjusted to keep up with the changes.

And Joy. Oh, Joy is so happy to have her playmate back. And the rest of me is over the moon that I don’t have to put up with any relationship crap for that to happen! Someday I’ll want that again, maybe, but I still have a little bitterness over promises unkept.  

I felt guilty for leaving Miul but he completely bullshited his way into my life and was in deep long before I looked up and realized it. And, now that I think of it, he completely took advantage of my deferring ways and the only opinions that counted were his. I can’t believe I didn’t know that.

The heart that needs to love must also trust. I trust Unionguy. I believe in him to never hurt me for his own gain, to keep my best interests at heart if at all possible, to give me space when I need it. And the sex. Ohgod the sex!!

Thank you, kismet, karma or whomever. Thank you. 

Good mourning 

Just dropped Mom at the airport, alone again. I struggle in my relationship with her but it was good to have company this week. At the same time, I haven’t had a chance to release this sadness. I really need to do that this weekend. 

I don’t know why I’m so hopeful that things will turn around. Actually, that’s not really true, is it? I know why. I live life in the good, looking for signs of getting what I want as I find new ways to want what I get. 

Some day I will look back at this time and know it was exactly what I needed. Today I’m just going to smoke some weed and let my feelings out.

Tonight

I brought my mom to a work thing tonight. She sat with all of the old people in the audience and watched me and my co-workers do some line dancing. And I laughed because I felt like that kid who would call out to mom in the bleachers at skating practice “did you see me mom? did I do good?” That is who I was but I guess it is also who I am again. 
I always tell people that working with seniors means I spend my days with 100 of my grandparents. They are kind and supportive and they always tell me when I’ve done good. Probably more importantly, they also let me know when I can do better. They believe in me which always makes me want to try harder.

It is a very good life.

Oh, mother

My mother thinks I’m sitting here texting Unionguy. Probably telling him how sad I am, that I love him, to please don’t go. Which goes to show you how little she knows me. 

I was texting him totally different stuff than that! Lol 

Here’s what I said:
I hope your mom is okay. I’ve been thinking about her all night. I was walking down to visit with her when the ambulance arrived.

I want to tell you something and I don’t want your phone beeping if you’re asleep or somewhere so this might be long. 😊

Number one: I have dreamed about sex like that my whole life but never really believed I would have it. Thank you for opening my world. Number two: I feel slightly relieved that it’s over and appreciate the respectful way you handled the whole situation. Number three: I don’t know why I’m numbering these. Number four: We won’t be having sex nor texting on a regular basis but I hope we can still call on each other for advice or help from time to time. Number five: Say what you will, but I’m glad we did this. Number six: I do look forward to innocently flirting with you again. (We can still do that, right? 😶)

It has been, still is, and always will be a pleasure to know you, Unionguy. You’re good people. Take care xo

Within you or without you

I have to tell you: I miss Miul. We had fun together. We were nice to each other. I loved being with someone I could be kind and gentle with, to have someone to laugh with and live along side of. I liked the things he liked. I wanted to be with him, he made me feel like I was wanted too. I felt calm with him, I felt like myself, that he saw me.

I want that in my life.

He took advantage of it, though. He started taking things I didn’t want to give. And I let him take me for granted for a very long time. He was so sad. And he loved me so much. I wanted to be everything he wanted me to be. He asked me to give and I gave. He begged me to give and I gave. He was mean to me and I gave. He ignored me and I gave. Until one day I realized I had enough.

I don’t want that in my life.

My sense is that a relationship with Unionguy will be like the first part. Kind. Respectful. Fun and comfortable.

What about the rest, I wonder. 
Getting to know you questions to ask Unionguy:

You say there are changes in you since we met. What is different?

How did you meet her? Summarize your history together.

Give me three reasons why you and she don’t live together. What is the percentage of the three reasons to a total of 100?

Tell me about Sunday.

Update me on your kids.

How do you feel about someone loving you? What would that look like to you?

I never ask questions if I’m not sure I want to hear the answer:

I like what you tell me you see when you look at the world. It makes me want to look at the world with you. (Do I make you feel that way too?)

Because I wear my heart on my sleeve, the men I get involved with tend to eventually take advantage of my kindness. They have ridiculed it, made fun of me about it, left it in the snow bank, and downright ignored it. I don’t think you’d take advantage of me in any of these ways. (But would you find your own way?)

I don’t want to chase anyone, I don’t want to be bought or earned; I really really  (really) like being seduced. I like seeing you with other people. I want to meet your father, I want you to meet my mom. (Will you meet my mom?)

Poke poke

Just came home from dinner with my ex sister-in-law-type-person and I feel like banging my head against the wall or poking my eye out or something. Vomiting is under serious consideration. 

It’s not her, she’s fine for the most part. It’s the whole dynamic, this fucked up family that I got involved with because Miul tugged my fucking heart strings and I wanted so badly to make it all better.

Is that what I’m doing again with Unionguy?? I’m getting so fucking hung up on feelings and smells and moments and tiny little snippets of attention. Am I not worth more than that? Don’t I deserve more??

I know I do. I know there’s some stray girl hormones hanging out in my head, poking around, looking for a weak spot. Fucking vagina messing with me again. 

Forget it. Time to turn that shit off for a while and distract myself with a movie or something. Nothing is going to get figured out tonight. And there is no way in hell I’m going to sweep another shattered glass off my hallway floor while nursing a hang over in the morning. Maybe I’ll bike for an hour first.

Fucker.