Before I started seeing Miul, my friends and family used to say I was too picky in my relationships. I would date someone once or twice and find something I didn’t like and move on to the next one. No one is going to be perfect, they said, you have to take the bad with the good. I was alone for a long time so I figured maybe they were right.
Then I met Miul and tried it their way. We met online so most of our interaction was email, text and Skype. There were things about him that frustrated me but those things were easy to push aside and ignore. And his beautiful words were so right that I let anything wrong slide. I travelled to meet him twice before I moved here and broke up with him both times. But hope for the best (thanks marijuana!) and my loved ones’ voices in my head told me to keep trying so I did. For five years I tried.
Then I met Unionguy and my faith in the possibility that I could meet someone who didn’t drive me completely up the wall was renewed. I left Miul to open my life to that someone. Even if it wasn’t Unionguy that I ended up with, I knew I needed to keep looking until I found someone like him.
Now I’m back to looking, dating, trying. And most guys hold no interest for me. Dateguy didn’t work out. Freckles, quite frankly, irritates me a little more every time I see him – I’ve only seen him three times and I’m already done I think. I hoped it might be okay to just spend time with him even if he isn’t the one I’m looking for but I think it would be selfish of me to do that.
So, here I am again. Still. I know Unionguy isn’t the one either, he’s just the closest I’ve found. And I’m keeping him in my life for as long as I can, until I find Unionguy 2.0 if I have my way. There is no way I am giving up my outrageously unbelievably amazing wonderful sex until I have no other choice. Umph.
Is there a pattern here? Who are all these men and why are they in my life? Three are in relationships with other people, three have tried having a relationship with me that didn’t work out, one is looking to start, one is like a yoyo. The only common denominator is me. What am I to them? Convenient? Fun? Easy? A pushover?
And here it is, 8 hours later. One of them wants to die for me. One of them wants to fall for me. One wants to fuck me on his schedule. One wants to flirt with me, and one is ignoring me. And I’m going to bed alone.
And, quite frankly, I’m fed the fuck up with the whole lot of them and wish they’d go away and leave me alone.
Except one. All of them except one.
I had a really good couple of days. Three hours hard labour in the front yard yesterday, three hours in the back today. Felt good, looks good, life’s good.
I also sent an email to Miul this morning to say once and for all -again- that we won’t be getting back together. He wrote in his blog that he wanted to “shrink up and disappear.” I hope I sent it in time for him to fix whatever he has screwed up with his girlfriend. He only has 10 days left in his apartment and he’s going to need somewhere to go. He’s been pushing her away thinking that he has a chance with me. He’s also talking about “going away” a lot (which means he wants to kill himself). I’m hoping he doesn’t back himself into a corner and feel like he has no choice. We talked about it when I met him down by the lake a couple of weeks ago. I hope he finds a way back out of the hell he puts himself through. Only time will tell, I guess.
Last night I sent a text to Dateguy to say no hard feelings. He hadn’t spoken to me in nearly two weeks after my drunken bullshit tantrum so I figured he was done with me and I should do the polite thing.
I reactivated my dating profile the other day but I was thinking about it in the garden today and decided I would be happy to be on my own for a while. I’ll still need the sex from time to time but not the romantic drama. So I’ll find a new bedroom playmate, but concentrate on getting a GM job and giving all of my love and attention to my residents.
Of course about an hour later I got a message from Dateguy and we started chatting, cleared the air more than anything. I don’t know, I might let him take me out if he asks. I might let him into my bed if we go out. I’m not going to worry about it too much. I don’t see a long term relationship with him anyway so I’m sure things will figure themselves out.
Weird day. But a good day. I’ll take it and run, thank you very much.
Miul – I saw him on Friday, did I tell you that? It was the first contact since early December. I assume it was because the time I spent with our little Gem opened my heart to a bunch of feelings that I’ve been suppressing and recovering from but basically I got loaded drunk and spite texted him after I got pissed off with Dateguy’s refusal to engage with me in an argument that had been brewing, ironically also since said visit with the Gem. Hmmm, didn’t see that connection before now. Oh, I didn’t tell you about the Dateguy non-drama yet??
Dateguy – So, before I texted Miul, I had a little temper tantrum on poor Dateguy. He asked earlier if I wanted to get together but, since I had screwed Unionguy the day before (are you keeping up with this soap opera?) and him the day before that, I decided to give my vagina and bedsprings a break and have an evening to myself. I think my first mistake was getting through a cooler and half a bottle of wine before I had anything to eat. And, if my second mistake was using the rest of the wine to quench my thirst while trimming trees in my back yard, then the third mistake was definitely cracking open the spiced rum when I came in an hour or so later. The biggest mistake, however, was picking up my phone. He was drunk and stoned with friends. I recall being very disappointed that he was stoned after all his talk about not wanting to get into that again but instead of saying anything about that I made a crack about him not wanting his friends to meet me. He said they weren’t cool enough for me but I channeled my former insecurities and decided he didn’t like me enough to bring me into that part of his life. In retrospect I can see that the conversation we had the week before about this and my decision to not tell him about spending time with the Gem was eating at me to the point of explosion. And explode I did.
By most people’s standards this was not a big deal and would have been easily resolved with reassurance or a kind word. Instead he chose to ignore me, the consequences of which were not only reaching out to Miul but also the fact that our fun little affair has ended. We haven’t spoken since Saturday and I don’t expect we will unless he reaches out to me. I have not made a decision on whether or not I would see him if he asked and I have no anger or bad feelings toward him, I just don’t see any reason to try to work things out. If he can’t handle that tiny episode he definitely can’t handle me. And Unionguy has been taking care of my significant libido and minimal companion needs as it is.
Unionguy – because when is it not mostly about him? Soon, perhaps. I’ve applied for a job in another city and will be moving 4 hours away if I get it. I think that would be somewhat of a relief to us both; it will end our affair cleanly and appease him of his guilt, and it will give us some distance to allow our plant to die (reference to a post in the fall that I’m too lazy… er, busy to hunt down and link here). Either way we had a lot of fun talking and sexing last night, even though he says he won’t come visit me if I move. Lol
Well, that’s all of the excitement in my life. I feel good right now. The silver lining in not getting the job I had pinned all of my hopes on is that the world has opened up and I don’t know what comes next again. And, if you know me at all, you know that’s my very favourite place to be.
We have a lot of fun together 😁
Since I didn’t get to enjoy a good luck fuck tonight (*teehee*) I’ve been looking through scribbles in my old notebooks for thoughts and ideas about improving the workplace that I’ve written down over the years. There’s a definite, repeating group of themes in these scribbles: money/budget, weight/exercise/time management, school/career ideas, and, of course, men. And I found several notes about what I’m looking for in a man – they’re all still valid but it seems that the list is getting longer and more specific as the years pass.
I don’t understand how I can be writing about how wonderful Dateguy is in one post and the very next piece of information is my excitement that Unionguy might visit tonight. Why is that? But, then again, why not. Yolo, right? Also, I’m a whore. Lol
I did send that happy birthday text today, btw. Aaaand it turns out his birthday is on Friday. Which is what happens when you don’t write shit down. Nevertheless, I was the first to say it and he appreciated it and that’s all that counts. I wasn’t just trying to get him into my bed, I really meant it. Actually, if anything, I’m trying to keep him out of my bed. But I think we can all agree that I’m really not trying very hard. I’m not inviting him anymore, though. He has to bring up the subject, as he did when he dropped in to visit today. He grabbed me and kissed me before he left. Was fun. That’s all.
You know what the problem is? I don’t think I want to be in a full, long term relationship with him but I’m just so fucking glad he’s a part of my life! He fills up my cup. He makes me want to do better, to try harder, to be all I can be. That is not sustainable in a deep relationship, I don’t think. Or it would get diluted.
I want the dances in the kitchen, the man who is excited to see me and wants me as much as I want him. That is Dateguy.
But Unionguy is like chocolate. An indulgence that I enjoy but simply isn’t healthy to have all the time. Chocolate tastes so good and I always want more, but it’s better in small doses.