Bargaining 

In my defense, you kind of led me astray. You were always saying things that made me wonder if you were going down a certain road: we’ll do that together some day, we’ll go there, watch that. 

What I didn’t know how to communicate was that I didn’t know if I wanted to be in a relationship other than what we had. I was crazy with physical attraction for you and I liked the you that I saw but that didn’t mean I wanted it to go further. 

While we were getting to know each other you told me several times that you were terrible with relationships. Yet you seemed to almost automatically turn on relationship mode when we started sleeping together. The texting, especially the good morning/good night texts, are relationshippy. The throw away promises you didn’t intend to keep. Before you left the last time you snuggled into me and said you had to figure this out soon. How was it supposed to take that?

I didn’t know what you meant for sure but I was afraid you were considering a major life decision based on something you thought I felt. I like you but I don’t want a relationship with you. If things weren’t working out with Carol, I would have proposed we spend a little more time together to see if it led anywhere but I am nowhere near ready for relationship mode with anyone. 

The problem is that Joy steers my heart. I love fast and hard. I know that about me, and I know those loving feelings stem from my perception of you. It gives me great pride that I automatically err on the side optimism now but I am experienced enough to know that those feelings are just the preface to the true story, not the most important part. 

Knowing what we now know, couldn’t you just come for a carnal visit a few times a month or something? Reach back into that gigolo past of yours but give me your milk for free? I will reward you with pleasure. 

That’s all I want. Let’s just be real. I don’t need you to text me when you get home. Text me if you don’t get home and there’s something I can do to help, otherwise I’ll assume everything is okay.

Bring your girlfriend to see your mother. You are Unionguy and Carol. And there’s nothing wrong with that. If that is what you want, own it. Just be real about who you are. You shared so much of your life with me but skipped over the parts about her. I had to fill in the blanks but never knew whether or not I had the right answer. 

When I fall in love again it will be with soneone who is all in at the same time I am. I want to be wanted by someone who is especially fond of me. I want to dance in the kitchen and laugh in the bedroom and exchange ideas and insights forever. I’m not going half way with this. I want it all and I am going to get exactly what I want. Notice I said I’ll get ‘what’ I want? The ‘who’ part is out of my control but the ‘what’ I will fight for until I get it. 

After this last conversation, I feel like I’ve kind of shot myself in the foot. I don’t care about dating anyone right now. That will happen when it happens; I have more important stuff going on. But I can’t live happily without being touched. And, all things considered, Joy and I both want to be touched by you.

Can’t I just have you some times? Can’t we just give each other pleasure without all the other stuff? It won’t go on like that forever but it can go on as long as it goes on. I want to kiss you without a beard, and suck you to orgasm, I want you to make my body feel electric, like a conductor of the energy that we exchange. 

Just be who you are and I’ll be who I am; no filters, no fillers. Just let me feel your body against mine, exchange energy with me. Do it for the greater good. 

Btw, the greater good is Joy… she is aching with longing for you. Also, you didn’t get to see the new entries into the Joy jar. Your energy is like water to me; it quenches my thirst.

Tl; dr; st; oned

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Oh, mother

My mother thinks I’m sitting here texting Unionguy. Probably telling him how sad I am, that I love him, to please don’t go. Which goes to show you how little she knows me. 

I was texting him totally different stuff than that! Lol 

Here’s what I said:
I hope your mom is okay. I’ve been thinking about her all night. I was walking down to visit with her when the ambulance arrived.

I want to tell you something and I don’t want your phone beeping if you’re asleep or somewhere so this might be long. 😊

Number one: I have dreamed about sex like that my whole life but never really believed I would have it. Thank you for opening my world. Number two: I feel slightly relieved that it’s over and appreciate the respectful way you handled the whole situation. Number three: I don’t know why I’m numbering these. Number four: We won’t be having sex nor texting on a regular basis but I hope we can still call on each other for advice or help from time to time. Number five: Say what you will, but I’m glad we did this. Number six: I do look forward to innocently flirting with you again. (We can still do that, right? 😶)

It has been, still is, and always will be a pleasure to know you, Unionguy. You’re good people. Take care xo

Time

I think three months will do, I think it’s time. 

You know I have feelings for you, for a moment I thought it might be actual true love even. And, depending on the moment, I believed and/or hoped you could feel the same. 

I know you are conflicted, trying to figure this all out. I think I can help.

Stay with her. 

I’m worth more. I want to be with someone who knows that, someone who wants only me. I definitely don’t want to be with someone who thinks it’s okay to betray the trust in a relationship by sleeping with someone else for months on end.

Even though you “tried” to avoid it, you didn’t try hard enough. If you genuinely cared for either of us, this would never have happened. And it’s not enough for me. I want more. I want it all. And I am completely prepared to wait until I get it. 

Yeah, it’s that time again

This PMS is going to be the death of me.

Well, maybe not me but I have a feeling it will be the death of someone if everYONE DOESN’T STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY WAYYYYYYY! 

*sigh*

Being a girl sucks.

I never really noticed PMS before. I think being on the pill tempered some of these feelings. Also, let’s face it, until somewhat recently I was always on edge and flew off the handle at the slightest frustration anyway. These days I’m pretty calm, for the most part. Except during the few days before my period. Then I feel I’m constantly on edge and interruption of the status quo makes me want to lash out, I want to cry and vomit and my brain is fuzzy and I can’t seem to get my shit together. Will this end with menopause? And, if so, can we get that started already, please?

(Ironically, I wrote this when I was frustrated and on the edge of losing my shit, and it didn’t post… that’s how I realized they disconnected my phone service again. That, of course, came after I went to my doctor appointment because I am completely out of my drugs and needed the prescription renewed and found out that my appointment was actually supposed to be last Thursday and my doctor wasn’t in. And then I got my paystub and found out that I’m only getting 38% of my shitty ass commission. Not that I need any money or anything. Everything is WONDERFUL!)

{Update a few days later: funny how I didn’t mention that I was thrilled when I went to the pharmacy they said I still have two refills on file so I can put off my trip to the doctor for six months or so, and I also had a pending sale move forward. But those are good things. You can’t mention those things when you’re busy being mad at the world. 😊}

Poke poke

Just came home from dinner with my ex sister-in-law-type-person and I feel like banging my head against the wall or poking my eye out or something. Vomiting is under serious consideration. 

It’s not her, she’s fine for the most part. It’s the whole dynamic, this fucked up family that I got involved with because Miul tugged my fucking heart strings and I wanted so badly to make it all better.

Is that what I’m doing again with Unionguy?? I’m getting so fucking hung up on feelings and smells and moments and tiny little snippets of attention. Am I not worth more than that? Don’t I deserve more??

I know I do. I know there’s some stray girl hormones hanging out in my head, poking around, looking for a weak spot. Fucking vagina messing with me again. 

Forget it. Time to turn that shit off for a while and distract myself with a movie or something. Nothing is going to get figured out tonight. And there is no way in hell I’m going to sweep another shattered glass off my hallway floor while nursing a hang over in the morning. Maybe I’ll bike for an hour first.

Fucker. 

I thought 

I thought you didn’t want to be in your relationship anymore either, mother fucker. I thought it would be you and me against the world. Not me trying to pretend everything was okay while you played us off each other. This isn’t good.  This isn’t enough.  I don’t care what scraps you are willing to give. This isn’t enough. 

Spring break 

To be brutally honest, at this moment there is nothing I want more in this world than to go sit on Miul’s door step and feel them close to me.

For the past five years we have looked forward to and celebrated this week of family time. Now it is gone. 

What if? 

What if we learned our lessons, what if we accepted that we aren’t perfect but…

I don’t know. 

We were shit, let’s be realistic. But we were good shit. We loved each other.

The idea of seeing them right now makes me want to fall apart at the seams. At the same time, though, I want some of it back. 

I want to walk over there, to sit on their step and have them recognize me and welcome me into their home with loving arms. I want to see my cat. And my kid. And my man, who loved me more than anyone ever has.  

It was good, right? We had love, before this man and this alternative lifestyle where people are actually nice to each other came along. 

Right?

Well, nice except they fuck over the people they are supposed to love most. 

This would put an end to all that. And start the other again. All I have to do is put on my jacket and walk over there. 

All I have to do is put on my jacket and walk over there. 

All I have to do is put on my jacket and walk.

All I have to do. 

And someone will love me. 

And someone will love me more than anyone else. 

All I have to do

Is put on my jacket

And boots

And start walking 

And everything will be okay again

Everything will be okay 

If I just put on my jacket 

And boots 

And start walking 

And believe 

And 

Trust 

And 

Believe

All 

I have 

to 

Do

Dear Unionguy:

I want you to spend time with me, get to know me, fall in love with me, move in with me, make a home with me, marry me and spend the rest of your life with me. Please.

No rush. Just, if we’re living the question, I want you to know which outcome I’m rooting for.

Thank you in advance.

Sincerely,

Schmoopie