What am I?

Is there a pattern here? Who are all these men and why are they in my life? Three are in relationships with other people, three have tried having a relationship with me that didn’t work out, one is looking to start, one is like a yoyo. The only common denominator is me. What am I to them? Convenient? Fun? Easy? A pushover?

And here it is, 8 hours later. One of them wants to die for me. One of them wants to fall for me. One wants to fuck me on his schedule. One wants to flirt with me, and one is ignoring me. And I’m going to bed alone.

And, quite frankly, I’m fed the fuck up with the whole lot of them and wish they’d go away and leave me alone.

Except one. All of them except one.

Dammit.

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Seriously

Have I told you about this salad yet? I’m drooling because I want to post this and start eating. What version of me gets excited about salad?? I swear, I’ve never been excited about any food that was even reasonably good for me in my life! (I’m just gonna go with it. *winky face*)

Strawberries

Avocado

Cucumber

Pecans

Feta

Lettuce

Chicken

Salt & pepper

Poppy seed dressing

Mwah!!!!

No name and stuff

I have a date tonight. A “getting to know you” coffee with a guy I met in my phone. What shall we call him, I wonder? Maybe I’ll wait until after I meet him in person to find an appropriate label. Or maybe I’ll never talk to him again after tonight. Only time will tell at this point.

I hope he isn’t a dork. I hope we like each other. Would be nice to find someone to spend time with again. Someone who doesn’t already have a girlfriend, that is. Not that I’m planning to give up Unionguy any time soon.

I took the Gem out for a birthday lunch today, she turns 10 tomorrow. Her father wrote on his blog that she was so hurt by me, and bothered to be moving into his new girlfriend’s house. Made me feel kind of guilty, a common sensation when it cones to him. But now I think he’s full of shit, also a common sensation when it comes to him. She seems fine, excited even. She was bragging about her new bedroom and fancy loft bed that Cate got for her. Sounds like she’s spoiling them both. Sounds like it’s time for me to stop reading his blog.

I started posting on my Tumblr again (that’s where we met and where I read his crap). I think I was looking for a way to connect with him in a kind of 3rd party way, to be in contact without direct communication. But I am already censoring myself and avoiding any topic that might hurt him. I don’t even know if he knows about it yet but we have a lot of friends in common so I’m sure he’d find it eventually. Today he wrote that the fear of letting go is worse than the pain of remembering. Why do I keep making this my problem?

It’s stormy here this afternoon. All I want to do is put in my headphones and dig in the dirt but instead I’ll just have to sit and wait for a couple of hours until it’s time to get ready to go out. Maybe the weather will be reasonable this weekend and I’ll get into it then.

Poop.

Secret

I’m smoking again. Just one a day, two on weekends sometimes. I know it’s completely stupid and I’m taking a big chance. I quit in 2005 after 23 years as a smoker. If I knew anyone who was doing this I’d say they were a complete idiot. But, quite frankly, it’s feeding my need for mini rebellion. So I’m doing it for now but keeping it a secret. I need to determine an end date, when I move or when I start seeing someone maybe (when I have a stroke? Lol), but for now I’m just doing it and not worrying about the consequences. I feel the effects of even one a day already. How long has it been? Three weeks maybe. I don’t know. Whatever. I’m bored and lonely, it’s giving me a giggle, I’m doing it. 😋

Something you should know about me

I always get my own way. And if things don’t go the way I plan, I choose a different way to get my way. But I always end up getting my way. That’s part of what makes me me! 😁

(Obviously more than a little proud of myself for getting out of the meeting I was trying to figure out how to avoid today. And the sun is shining so beer, smoke and pressure wash. I love me.)