Nothing

The hardest thing for me in this moment is to do nothing. I know Miul is struggling and I want so much to help. But that would help me, not him. Does that make sense? I truly believe that reaching out to him would keep his feelings for me current and present, without me they will eventually fade. I can’t be with him anymore, I won’t. It’s not even a consideration. Nothing would change in the long run and we would just have to go through all of this again. And I just don’t have those feelings for him anymore.

But I so want to help. Perhaps I need to help him by staying away. And maybe I need to help me by not reading his blog a hundred times a day.

I’m also struggling with my need to ‘do’ in other areas of my life. I need something to happen. Will I get this job and move again? Will something else happen that will make me stay? Can’t I make my decisions yet?? Obviously the answer is no. I don’t have all of the information needed So I have to wait until I do. And I’m not going to get drunk and stoned while I wait. I mean maybe a little (*teehee*) but I’m not going to get lost in it like I usually do.

I have lots of things I can do instead. Work outside the house on nice days, paint and clean inside on crappy days. My job is uber boring right now but there are things I can do to pass the time.

Argh. Controlling these moods and frustrations are rough. I don’t know what I’d do without my house. Well, I guess I do know – I’d get stoned, if eat too much, I’d sleep a lot. So thankful I don’t have to revert to that again.

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