Part 2 – On the other hand

On the other hand, this could very well be the best relationship I’ve ever been in. Aside from high school (and possibly including high school now that I think about it), I’m pretty sure this is the longest I have been with/wanted someone without moving in with them and discovering that I actually can’t stand them very much (that only happened, like, four times or whatever… so far… lol). I can’t remember consistently loving someone this much for this long. And a large part of that might be because I can’t have him.

There is a very good chance that, if he dumped his girlfriend and came to me with promises of love and forever, I would have turned the whole thing off.

Instead, I write him a text to say I want him and he will show up at my door. I get to love him and pine for him at the same time. I get all the good, the conversation and advice, the drama and anticipation, the amazing amazing amazing sex, and I don’t have to do all of the work of being in a relationship.

Yes, it’s true, I want the work but I’m looking for the bright side here so shut the hell up.

šŸ˜€

Part one – What saddens me

What saddens me most is that I never go the opportunity to know him, really know him. Beyond the pleasantries and advice, beyond the bedroom and flirting. I wish I’d known all of him, the whole package.

And I wanted him to know me. To know how much I would be happy to rub ointment on his legs when they are hurting, to make him a sandwich, to tease and argue with him. I wanted to give to him, although I still don’t know if he is capable of receiving in that manner.

What do I know? Maybe knowing him that way would have shown me why we shouldn’t be together. Maybe she gives to him in that way so he doesn’t need it from me. Maybe the end would have been the same, no matter what happened in the middle. It makes me sad. That is all.

Nothing

The hardest thing for me in this moment is to do nothing. I know Miul is struggling and I want so much to help. But that would help me, not him. Does that make sense? I truly believe that reaching out to him would keep his feelings for me current and present, without me they will eventually fade. I can’t be with him anymore, I won’t. It’s not even a consideration. Nothing would change in the long run and we would just have to go through all of this again. And I just don’t have those feelings for him anymore.

But I so want to help. Perhaps I need to help him by staying away. And maybe I need to help me by not reading his blog a hundred times a day.

I’m also struggling with my need to ‘do’ in other areas of my life. I need something to happen. Will I get this job and move again? Will something else happen that will make me stay? Can’t I make my decisions yet?? Obviously the answer is no. I don’t have all of the information needed So I have to wait until I do. And I’m not going to get drunk and stoned while I wait. I mean maybe a little (*teehee*) but I’m not going to get lost in it like I usually do.

I have lots of things I can do instead. Work outside the house on nice days, paint and clean inside on crappy days. My job is uber boring right now but there are things I can do to pass the time.

Argh. Controlling these moods and frustrations are rough. I don’t know what I’d do without my house. Well, I guess I do know – I’d get stoned, if eat too much, I’d sleep a lot. So thankful I don’t have to revert to that again.

And then some

I had a really good couple of days. Three hours hard labour in the front yard yesterday, three hours in the back today. Felt good, looks good, life’s good.

I also sent an email to Miul this morning to say once and for all -again- that we won’t be getting back together. He wrote in his blog that he wanted to “shrink up and disappear.” I hope I sent it in time for him to fix whatever he has screwed up with his girlfriend. He only has 10 days left in his apartment and he’s going to need somewhere to go. He’s been pushing her away thinking that he has a chance with me. He’s also talking about “going away” a lot (which means he wants to kill himself). I’m hoping he doesn’t back himself into a corner and feel like he has no choice. We talked about it when I met him down by the lake a couple of weeks ago. I hope he finds a way back out of the hell he puts himself through. Only time will tell, I guess.

Last night I sent a text to Dateguy to say no hard feelings. He hadn’t spoken to me in nearly two weeks after my drunken bullshit tantrum so I figured he was done with me and I should do the polite thing.

I reactivated my dating profile the other day but I was thinking about it in the garden today and decided I would be happy to be on my own for a while. I’ll still need the sex from time to time but not the romantic drama. So I’ll find a new bedroom playmate, but concentrate on getting a GM job and giving all of my love and attention to my residents.

Of course about an hour later I got a message from Dateguy and we started chatting, cleared the air more than anything. I don’t know, I might let him take me out if he asks. I might let him into my bed if we go out. I’m not going to worry about it too much. I don’t see a long term relationship with him anyway so I’m sure things will figure themselves out.

Weird day. But a good day. I’ll take it and run, thank you very much.

Dream come true

At 5am I woke from a dream in which I was giving my brother some serious shit. As I came to consciousness I continued telling him off, and then I started in on Miul, and then was about to start in on Unionguy when I realized something amazing – I figured out what is wrong.

I knew I was missing something since Miul have been apart, I knew it was something he not necessarily gave me but brought out in me. And all this time I couldn’t put my finger on it. I thought it was my nice, my compassion but I am that in my job. I thought it might be feelings of love, but I have lots of love for my sister, for Unionguy, for the people at my work. Whatever it was, I knew it was steadily slipping away from me until that chick from work spewed her venum all over me in March and then it was gone. I’ve been looking for it ever since. I thought I had it figured out. Maybe I still don’t. But, for epiphany’s sake, today I discovered I lost my anger. No, not anger, drive. My fight.

My relationship with Miul was very turbulent. It was good, it was bad, and we would always get to a point where things would come to a head, we would fight it out and clear the air. I don’t get to clear the air very much anymore. I repress, I keep things inside again and it is starting to eat away at me. Again. I try to push it down with drugs and alcohol, lately I’ve been feeding it with junk food and, yes, cigarettes (still only one, but half of that one two days in a row). I need to exercise it to the surface and beat the shit out of it again. And, perhaps I need someone in my life that I can be real and open with again. Will that ever happen? I don’t know.

What I do know is these feelings of worthlessness have been slipping back into my life. I have lost the will or freedom or ability or means to fight it out. And I’m not going to walk around telling everyone that frustrates me how I feel about them, it doesn’t help anything. But I do need to do two things: let that shit out, and stop feeling that way.

I could call my brother out of the blue and tell him what a selfish, self-involved asshole I think he is. What would that accomplish? We already barely have a thread of a relationship and, even though his attitude and manner drives me crazy, telling him all this shit isn’t going to make him suddenly say “ohmygod, Bev, you’re right! how could I have not seen this before? thank you so much!”

I could tell Miul that I think he is his own worst enemy, that it is his focus on himself that is going to kill him if he lets it. It will make him say “you’re right, Bev, I am worthless and I might as well kill myself.” I really do want that fucking cat but I don’t want him to die to get it.

So maybe instead I need to tell myself, as I did, recognize that anger, own it, let it out and beat the shit out of it. Get some gumption again, lady, and get the fuck up already. You make all these promises and you don’t keep them. You go in circles, thinking drugs and booze and junk food are your medicine, taking dose after dose, thinking it will help but all it does is push you down further and further. You think you are your friend but you are becoming your own worst enemy – again. Get pissed off already! You can do better, you can do so much fucking better.

I know. I’ve been up for an hour, cleaned up my office, going to go exercise and eat a healthy breakfast and go out into the world ready to kick some serious ass. But at some point something will be said or inferred that hurts my feelings, someone will do something that pisses me off, I’ll get a text or an email and it will drain me of my resolve. How will I keep this going? How will I remember? That’ll be the challenge, I guess. Am I ready for it? Fuck yes, motherfucker! Let’s go!

Smoker

I just smoked a cigarette. The first time I’ve done that sober since August 2005. And I’ve only smoked while inebriated maybe three times since then. Why did I do it, you ask? Because they were there, I guess. Because I had a long day. Because I’m feeling a little lost.

This wasn’t supposed to go this way. My life wasn’t supposed to go this way. I’m 45 fucking years old. Never married, no kids, no money, no assets, still fat, still in debt, still alone. What am I doing wrong? AND WHY THE FUCK DO I KEEP FUCKING DOING IT?! 

Smoking will help, right? Shut up. 

Evening fire at sister’s houseĀ 

Hanging out with my sister’s fam for the weekend so I can go check out the place where I applied for the job tomorrow. Also having lunch with a school friend that I haven’t seen in 17 years… shit, 27 years. (How is that possible?) 

I’m getting excited by the prospect of this. Also glad that if this specific job doesn’t pan out, my employer has about 15 more residences with an hour of here.

Would be pretty cool to be close by, especially when the baby comes in the fall. Do you know I originally decided to move here and get a job as a GM in this area in 2009? I’m not one to move through life too fast, apparently. 

Oh, life. Where are you taking me? Some day I’ll get it right.
Won’t I?

Won’t I????

Self controlĀ 

I wrote in my journal earlier about self control, or, more specifically, my lack of it. I don’t understand. It’s not that I’m beating myself up, it’s not that I think I’ll be a better person if I lose weight or exercise or save money. But I do know that those things would be good for me. I would feel stronger, I would stress less, I would be in control. So why do I make these decisions that are against that? Why choose chips over strawberries? Why sit in front of the tv instead of doing yard work? Why sleep in instead of getting up and exercising? It’s not a hardship – I genuinely prefer fresh strawberries, yard work and exercise. I want to save money, I want to feel good about my choices. So why do I almost always choose the opposite? Is it simply habit? Is it easier? Do I like to rebel? What?? I don’t understand. But I think it’s time I did. I’ll look into it and let you know.