I’m not fucking up my chances this time. I’m giving it all I’ve got and if I fail miserably and lose everything, that’s the price I’ll have to pay.
I could have kept doing drugs all the time, maybe started smoking again, I’d still be with Miul and miserable, soon I’d look just like his mom and hate every passing day a tiny bit more. We’d be completely broke, trapped in a crappy apartment with the blinds always closed. He’d never be there and when he was there he wouldn’t really be there. And I’d feel like it doesn’t matter if I’m not really there. Except I’d have to be there or he’d lose his shit constantly and ruin every day and hurt my feelings over and over and over because of things that happened 30 years before I knew him. Hahaha no.
How about this instead: I’ll get the job I’ve been working toward for nearly a decade, since I decided to make an effort, look for my passion and actually put myself out there and try. I will be challenged but still kick ass, I’ll become well known and a trusted resource in my community. I’ll save enough money to make a down payment on my house, and my love will finally recognize what an amazing and rare chemistry we share, and we will be together as long as we are both breathing. Yes, that one please.