What I wanted to say was:

I was sitting with my coworkers the other day and I felt so strongly that I don’t belong. And it was such a familiar feeling that I spent a lot of time trying to remember when and where I’d felt it before.

Oh, right, pretty much every single day of my life until a couple of years ago.  

How did that happen again? When did this impatient, frustrated person come back into my skin? 

I feel like I’ve been knocked off my self-errected pedestal. They pushed until I fell. I’m sure they’re enjoying the win but they don’t see me pulling out my plan books to configure a better design. 

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Kill Them With Kindness

Crumbs

I often think about your dog. The one your kids wanted; the one you got for them on the agreement that they took care of it. Kids being kids, you soon found that you were the one who walked it every day and you fed it and you played with it more than anyone. Things came to a head one day when you threatened to get rid of the dog if the kids didn’t step up and do the work. They didn’t. And you felt you had no choice but to find the dog a new home. As hard as it was, as much as you loved that dog, you loved your kids more and wanted to teach them that you are a man of your word, no matter what the cost. 

Sometimes I wonder if I’m like that dog to you. I think you enjoyed me, you had fun with me, maybe you even loved me a little tiny bit, but at some point you made a promise to Carol and you are not going back on your word. So, as hard as it was for me to do, I found a new home for myself.

Today I wondered what the dog felt when he was in my situation. Did he mope and feel sad? Or did he forget all about you and enjoy the affection he found in his new home? I wondered what he was thinking as you walked away. I like to imagine that, like I did, he was telling himself that you were just another guy with crumbs on his shirt.

I don’t know¬†

I just believed in it so strongly. For a year or more I have plotted out my future. I had a plan, an amazing, timely, smart, puzzle complete plan. 

But it had to all work or none of it would work. Everything was flexible except this job, this job I was sure about. Not cocky, confident. I worked hard, as hard as I’d worked at anything else in my life. 

Maybe that’s it, though. Maybe that’s not enough. 

Sad

I guess I’m in mourning. Does that explain It? I lost the job and, in tying success with him and the job together, I’m also letting go of Unionguy. Again. And the house and the courtyard wedding. And the love and the happiness?? I’m putting a terrible energy out into the world but anything else right now would just be fake. So I’ll sit home alone and be sad.

Some day

What most people don’t seem to understand is that the ability to go ‘all in’ is dependent on the ability to let go of the outcome.

Fear of the unknown can be debilitating in some people, but it manifests in interesting ways in the rest of us, so much so that we don’t even realize it. We often say “I don’t really care if I get the job” or “my friends convinced me to apply but I told them I’d never get it.” 

At least I can say I did my best, I took care everything I could control and let go of the things that were out of my hands. It is what it is. My time will come… it just isn’t here yet. Apparently.  

Fine

What are you going to do now Bev? Are you going to gain 40 pounds? Push away all of your friends? Spend the few dollars you have on anything bad for you and/or detrimental to your health?

Nah, I’m going to get up and get back to work. Those are the brakes. I controlled what I could control and I did it well, that’s all I can do and I couldn’t have done better. I don’t know what happens next. I have a serious issue with the job I’m doing now, but I’m not going to rush around searching for something else to do. I have some other things I can concentrate on. I’ll be okay. I’ll be fine. Truly.

Pop

My bubble just exploded. This being happy crap is for the birds. I’m not doing it anymore. It’s time to accept that I’m full of fucking shit. 

I seriously have to reevaluate some stuff.