So, I had a minor melt down this afternoon. I had planned to smoke some weed this weekend and have been trying to get some since Tuesday, unsuccessfully. I felt frustrated and a wee bit childish from my reaction, if you want to know the truth, even going so far as to wonder if I have a problem. But I haven’t had any for a month or more and haven’t really wanted it, so I figure that wasn’t the issue. 

My stress levels have gotten near catastrophic, though, so I ripped into my bottle of spiced rum to see if I could get into my subconscious and figure out what’s going on. (My conscious self and subconscious self aren’t great at communicating with each other.)

First of all, I’m up for a promotion at work. The job I have been working toward for nearly a decade is imminent and, as excited as I feel, I’m also stressing the fuck out. I’m mildly worried that I won’t get it but mostly worried that I will. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ready for this, I’m excited, it’s a damn big dream come true for me and I want to seriously kick some fucking ass, but what if I fail? What if I suck? What if my confidence is cockiness and I am heading down the path of destruction?

I don’t honestly think that is the case. It will be challenging, it will be a lot if work and a huge huge commitment but I’m ready and I want it. I want it so bad I can taste it. Tastes like strawberries, sweet success.

The other issue, shock of all shocks, is the boy thing. But I think I’ve come to a conclusion on that as well. The answer is: there are no answers yet. I’m so worried about telling Unionguy and being vulnerable to Date Guy and what about POF dude, whom I’m still talking to and have been since before Date guy came onto the scene. Who do I choose? Am I ready? What do I say?

Nothing. I will maintain the status quo and see what life brings me. There’s nothing to choose yet, no answers are close at hand. If I’m afraid of opening up then I’m not ready to open up. If I’m not sure what to tell -or even if to tell, then there’s nothing yet to tell. I don’t have to be in a sexual relationship with all of them but so what if I am? It’s my body and my heart and my choice. And quite frankly, I really don’t want to be fooling around with more than one at a time already, but overlap happens (especially during ovulation horniness! 😊). 

We’ll see, me. We’ll see. But right now POF guy has sent a couple of messages so I’m off to see what’s up. Check you later, mofo! Muah.


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