I didn’t tell you but the night I was so strung out about Miul’s message, UG was supposed to drop off a book so I asked him to come in and talk to me about it.
He was so frickin amazing. Kind and warm and real. I was open and honest, I told him secrets I’d never said out loud before – about how Miul couldn’t hold me in his arms, how I wasn’t allowed to touch his neck or his shoulders, about how unnatural and uncomfortable even simply hugging was to him, and how it was the same to me when I was with Ian, about the struggles and the tempers and the feelings and the inability to express myself.
And he listened and pondered, understood and advised. He let me pull back when I said that continuing would make me cry, then drew me forward again; he held me and teased me and made it all better. Dammit.
What can I do to win him, I wonder? What would make him come over to my side? Do I want to, should I want to? He likes me, he cares, he thinks of me; I know he does. So what does that mean? And would breaking through that barrier make everything better or simply cause it all to fall on my head? How can I know, what can I do but wonder?
The answer is nothing. But wait.
So that’s what I do.