Dear Man I Used to Love (Miul)

You will probably never know how deeply your text affected me today. So short and simple: “I don’t know what to do anymore. I think I am lost now.” And it tore my heart out of my chest.

You will probably never know how much I want to help, to give support, a kind word, a touch. I want to fix and love and give everything I am to make you better. Oh, how I loved loving you.

You will probably never know because I cannot chance breaking the seal. My need to give, coupled with your need to take, is toxic for me. 

Lately I have been wishing I could smoke again. I loved smoking; it gave me such undeniable pleasure that here I am, more than a decade later, and it still calls to me. And I want to be weak for just a little while and give in. Just a bit. Just for a moment. 

But I won’t start smoking again because I know it will consume me. It will hurt me and sicken me if I let it back into my life. As much as I want it, I can’t break the seal.

And hard as staying away from cigarettes has been and still is, it’s no nowhere near as difficult as staying away from you.

I must be strong now. For me. I so wish you could be strong for you. Don’t you know that could turn this all around? No, it can’t anymore. It’s too late, I will never take that chance again. You were supposed to be my forever, we were supposed to be forever together. I’m not sure I’ll ever fully heal from that. But I will take this hurt a million times before I will allow the hurt that would be caused by letting you back into my life.

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