Changes 

So, Miul has a new girlfriend. It amazes me to read his blog, because I read about them with such a big smile on my face. I do want him to be happy, I do want him to love and be loved, and as much as I felt guilty that I couldn’t be the one who would give him that, I hope he has found the one who can. Also, bless your soul, dear “Aussie”, I hope you have more patience than I!

In other news, I had my first date since the breakup on Friday. (You really can’t call the things Unionguy and I have done “dates”, can you??) I’m not sure if I talked about him on here yet or not and I’m too lazy to check right now, so I shall assume I have and not tell the whole story. Suffice it to say that I like him as much as I know him and he seems to like me too. Only time will tell for sure.

I was hoping to hear from him tonight but haven’t yet (it’s nearly 9pm) so bonus points to him for not being overbearing and demanding. That just makes me like him a little more.

Haven’t heard from Unionguy yet today either, which is the norm for a Sunday. And prolly for the best. 

Life is good 

Bubble mending 

I’ve been pretty bummed out for the past couple of days, ever since that confrontation with my super charming coworker. How is it that, no matter how confident you are, no matter how much you believe in yourself and know without a doubt that you are a good person, the person you always wanted to be, how is it that as soon as someone says otherwise it feels like the rug is pulled out from under you?

It’s not that I agreed with her, it’s not that I value her opinion even a tiny little bit. In fact, I wouldn’t really care if she fell off the face of the earth. I don’t care what she thinks and, while I see that she has certain strengths in her work, I don’t think she is very good at her job overall. (In fact, her sense of that might be the reason she acted so terribly toward me. Minipiphany!)

So why? Why did her words affect me the way they did? Why did I cry so long and so often? Why did I want to run away, why did I feel like hiding? Why did I start feeling suspicious of everyone I was interacting with, wondering if they thought those awful things about me as well? 

I think it was a combination of things. One, old habits and insecurities die hard. My underlying sense of worthlessness only came to the surface and was dealt with a short while ago. 

I spent most of my adult life thinking people didn’t much like me once they got to know me. Overwhelmingly, people tend to really like me when they first meet me. I’m outgoing and friendly, I am open and relatable. This is not my ego, simply things people have been saying to me my whole life. I’ve always felt that an overwhelming majority of them change their mind in time. (It’s hard to be around someone so awesome all the time!! Lol) (That or people think I’m weird.)

Also, there is a frustration and powerlessness in not knowing if other people are being genuine in their dealings with you. I’ve worked very hard to hone my instincts, to get a sense of how many faces someone has and I feel I’m reasonably adept at knowing when people are full of shit. This just blind-sided me though. I had no idea she felt these awful things and it made me want to question judgements about others. 

And fight or flight, I guess. They say most of us do one or the other. If you asked me a week ago, I never would have agreed that my reaction would be flight because I’ve always thought of that as an indication of fear. But I just wanted to turn it off, I wanted it to go away. I’ve done that before, shut down and walked away. But I will only do that after determining that it isn’t worth the fight.  

My job? My career? My reputation? My future? MY BUBBLE?? That is worth fighting for. And I will do what I feel is necessary to take that fucker down if I have to.*


* And by take her down, I mean be professional and work along side her.**


** For now. For now. 

Bubble

So yesterday I was informed by one of my coworkers that she doesn’t like me. On a fundamental level, as a human being, she does not and never has liked me. She also said that most of the other people who work with us feel the same way.

I’m not going to lie – it hurt. After our conversation I actually went for a drive just so I could cry some of the hurt out. All I wanted in that moment was to run, to leave the situation and never go back. Even now, I thought I made my peace with it but I’m bawling like a five year old.

It’s like, in under 10 minutes she took every single underlying doubt I have about myself and the world around me and said they were all true. 

I can’t even finish this right now, to be honest. I can’t even

Sigh

Do I mind if he texts me to touch base tomorrow, he says. Is it okay, he wonders. Silly man. Doesn’t he know that my days have become little more than finding new ways to fill the time in between contact with him? 

Yesterday he came to see his mom and asked for help resetting her Internet. As I sat next to her he snuck his hand up the back of my shirt, then a few stolen kisses in an empty room. 

He rocks my world and then makes it steady again. 

Love.

The roller coaster is moving full steam ahead again – hold on for your life, me.

I ❤ UG

This was unexpected:

He was gone again by 11am but SQUEEEEE! He got his hair cut short and is completely shaved now. So handsome! That’s closer to how he looked when we met – which was exactly one year ago today, btw – and I just swooned. I haven’t stopped thinking about him since. That’s not new or different from any other day, but still. 😁

Love, lust and Unionguy 

I didn’t tell you but the night I was so strung out about Miul’s message, UG was supposed to drop off a book so I asked him to come in and talk to me about it. 

He was so frickin amazing. Kind and warm and real. I was open and honest, I told him secrets I’d never said out loud before – about how Miul couldn’t hold me in his arms, how I wasn’t allowed to touch his neck or his shoulders, about how unnatural and uncomfortable even simply hugging was to him, and how it was the same to me when I was with Ian, about the struggles and the tempers and the feelings and the inability to express myself. 

And he listened and pondered, understood and advised. He let me pull back when I said that continuing would make me cry, then drew me forward again; he held me and teased me and made it all better. Dammit.

What can I do to win him, I wonder? What would make him come over to my side? Do I want to, should I want to? He likes me, he cares, he thinks of me; I know he does. So what does that mean? And would breaking through that barrier make everything better or simply cause it all to fall on my head? How can I know, what can I do but wonder?

Nothing. 

The answer is nothing. But wait.

So that’s what I do.