Last night 

He came over. And it was good, so damn good. He plays my body like a one man band of lust. Umph. Of course, I was feeling much more free due to my recent wonderful epiphany. 

Something clicked and I got the answer finally. The Christmas card thought really synched it, I think. To me he is Unionguy. To everyone else he is Unionguy “and” Carol. (Her name isn’t actually Carol but I keep thinking it is for some odd reason, and so it has become.) For myself and everyone else, I don’t want to be “and” anyone.

I feel completely free of my frustration and concern over this situation. Having Mom here for a few days made a big difference… in my discovery of what NOT to do. 

I explained it to him, after I let him have his way with me, the tendency of deferring opinions. This strong-willed, confident, independent woman letting everyone else go first and struggling because I can’t have my turn if they don’t have theirs. A learned habit left over from my childhood. I figured out the crap behind it originally – low self esteem, feeling of worthlessness – but didn’t know until now that the coping mechanism had never been adjusted to keep up with the changes.

And Joy. Oh, Joy is so happy to have her playmate back. And the rest of me is over the moon that I don’t have to put up with any relationship crap for that to happen! Someday I’ll want that again, maybe, but I still have a little bitterness over promises unkept.  

I felt guilty for leaving Miul but he completely bullshited his way into my life and was in deep long before I looked up and realized it. And, now that I think of it, he completely took advantage of my deferring ways and the only opinions that counted were his. I can’t believe I didn’t know that.

The heart that needs to love must also trust. I trust Unionguy. I believe in him to never hurt me for his own gain, to keep my best interests at heart if at all possible, to give me space when I need it. And the sex. Ohgod the sex!!

Thank you, kismet, karma or whomever. Thank you. 

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