Bargaining 

In my defense, you kind of led me astray. You were always saying things that made me wonder if you were going down a certain road: we’ll do that together some day, we’ll go there, watch that. 

What I didn’t know how to communicate was that I didn’t know if I wanted to be in a relationship other than what we had. I was crazy with physical attraction for you and I liked the you that I saw but that didn’t mean I wanted it to go further. 

While we were getting to know each other you told me several times that you were terrible with relationships. Yet you seemed to almost automatically turn on relationship mode when we started sleeping together. The texting, especially the good morning/good night texts, are relationshippy. The throw away promises you didn’t intend to keep. Before you left the last time you snuggled into me and said you had to figure this out soon. How was it supposed to take that?

I didn’t know what you meant for sure but I was afraid you were considering a major life decision based on something you thought I felt. I like you but I don’t want a relationship with you. If things weren’t working out with Carol, I would have proposed we spend a little more time together to see if it led anywhere but I am nowhere near ready for relationship mode with anyone. 

The problem is that Joy steers my heart. I love fast and hard. I know that about me, and I know those loving feelings stem from my perception of you. It gives me great pride that I automatically err on the side optimism now but I am experienced enough to know that those feelings are just the preface to the true story, not the most important part. 

Knowing what we now know, couldn’t you just come for a carnal visit a few times a month or something? Reach back into that gigolo past of yours but give me your milk for free? I will reward you with pleasure. 

That’s all I want. Let’s just be real. I don’t need you to text me when you get home. Text me if you don’t get home and there’s something I can do to help, otherwise I’ll assume everything is okay.

Bring your girlfriend to see your mother. You are Unionguy and Carol. And there’s nothing wrong with that. If that is what you want, own it. Just be real about who you are. You shared so much of your life with me but skipped over the parts about her. I had to fill in the blanks but never knew whether or not I had the right answer. 

When I fall in love again it will be with soneone who is all in at the same time I am. I want to be wanted by someone who is especially fond of me. I want to dance in the kitchen and laugh in the bedroom and exchange ideas and insights forever. I’m not going half way with this. I want it all and I am going to get exactly what I want. Notice I said I’ll get ‘what’ I want? The ‘who’ part is out of my control but the ‘what’ I will fight for until I get it. 

After this last conversation, I feel like I’ve kind of shot myself in the foot. I don’t care about dating anyone right now. That will happen when it happens; I have more important stuff going on. But I can’t live happily without being touched. And, all things considered, Joy and I both want to be touched by you.

Can’t I just have you some times? Can’t we just give each other pleasure without all the other stuff? It won’t go on like that forever but it can go on as long as it goes on. I want to kiss you without a beard, and suck you to orgasm, I want you to make my body feel electric, like a conductor of the energy that we exchange. 

Just be who you are and I’ll be who I am; no filters, no fillers. Just let me feel your body against mine, exchange energy with me. Do it for the greater good. 

Btw, the greater good is Joy… she is aching with longing for you. Also, you didn’t get to see the new entries into the Joy jar. Your energy is like water to me; it quenches my thirst.

Tl; dr; st; oned

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