So… I got horrifically drunk last night. As you can probably tell by my emotional and enraged posts. I needed it, though. Maybe not quite as excessive but I definitely needed to get some shit out.
After I wrote the last post I threw my phone on the floor in the kitchen. Then I turned and whipped my glass of water down the hall and it shattered on the ceramic tile (I have never done anything like that before in my life!). Then I knocked my alarm clock onto the floor and went to bed fully clothed.
Unionguy texted at 8am and was himself but odd with his eager questions and attempt to be casual. I didn’t know what to say so I shoveled snow for a while and decided I would be straight with him. I said seeing them yesterday felt like a punch in the gut and I needed a couple of days to think. He apologized, said he understood and would give me the space I needed.
Something happened this afternoon, though. Corina emailed this YouTube thing about… I don’t know… finding balance and inner peace and all of that stuff she is into. Then I shoveled snow again and realized that I am good.
I called him into my life almost a year ago and he has been exactly what I needed as I needed it. As much as I want him to go all in with me, the post about Miul and Gem and their spring break week that I don’t get to be a part of tells me otherwise.
So, I will continue the status quo and when I am really ready something will change and he will give more or I will find the one who will. And I will know I am ready because that’s when it will happen. I truly and genuinely believe that. And it is a relief.
I’m going to continue making my choices as I go, checking in with my good and bad feelings as needed and my life will be wonderful, because in the long run it always has been wonderful and always will. I don’t have the benefit of hindsight in this situation yet but some day I will look back and understand that it all unfolded in the right way and the right time. Just as it always has and always will.
I am good. I love me. I am enough. No matter what happens with anyone else, I am enough. The rest is just gravy.
Damn. That feels fucking good.