He came in to visit his mom this afternoon, with his girlfriend. I’m not going to lie – it felt like a punch in the gut. Luckily I was in the middle of lunch with a colleague from another residence and couldn’t react the way I wanted to in that moment.
The last time that happened was in December and we hadn’t slept together yet. Today would have been way way worse if it wasn’t for the conversation I had with my saviour Corina yesterday. It started with a daily affirmation that she sometimes sends, so relevant:
Her: My vulnerability is my strength.
Me: Timely text. Struggling with that right now and not entirely sure I agree.
Her: Remember your kind heart is your strength; it’s not your karma if it’s taken advantage of. You need to always give it your all. I have learned that.
Me: He came over last night and I always have this struggle after being with him. I just like him so much that it’s all I can do to not push him away and wash my hands of the whole situation. I’ll get over it in a day or two, I’m sure.
Her: Or maybe not lol. You have brought him into your life by your own energy and also his half commitment to you as well has been your own creation . Ask yourself if it’s you who either only want this half commitment or are afraid of a full commitment. I believe strongly we create every situation in our lives as a reflection of ourselves, and when we fix them we fix their reflection. 😻
Me: When it started I definitely wanted the half commitment. Now I’m ready for more but fear I’ll have to go elsewhere to find it. But I also know that I’ll survive and get over it if this doesn’t work out. So I guess basically what I’m trying to say is that I’m just waiting until I need to start getting over it. Not the best energy to put out into the universe but that’s how I feel.
Her: But who is to say it will go that way? You have to start and not be attached to the outcome.
Me: Not be attached to the outcome. Okay, I’ll work on that.
Her: Ask yourself why you can’t have the best. I definitely think you deserve a full committed love, why don’t you? There’s your answer and the reason I know is because I felt the same. I had a half relationship because I felt that’s the best for me and I’m fine, I have my space, etc, etc. Until I started to feel ‘fuck this shit, I want it all because I deserve it!’ and dropped my old baggage.
Me: I do absolutely believe I deserve a great love because I know I will give great love. What I’m struggling with is whether or not it will be with him. Right now I want things that he’s not willing to give me (not that I have or will ask for these things directly) but I get caught up in the selfishness of “I want”. He doesn’t seem to be in a rush to go one way or the other, that’s for sure.
Her: I know but you can’t wait for him to make you happy. Just focus on yourself and see where that takes you and the relationship. I’m sure the energy will shift.
Me: It’s not happiness I’m waiting for, I have an abundance of that. I just want to go out and do stuff with him! I’m going to start looking for dates elsewhere, I think. Will that screw up my energy with the universe?
Her: I don’t think we can do anything wrong, only if you’re doing it for reasons other than what you truly want. So in your heart if you think you need to meet other people by going on a lot of dates then that’s the way to go. Or you can sit at home and read or cook or whatever and still change your vibration and they might come to you or he might. Who knows? Just follow your heart. You already have the answer.
Me: My heart has been wrong before, Corina!!! Lol If I am honest with myself, the only reason I would want to meet other men is to minimize the vulnerability I feel in this situation. I feel so damn exposed with him, and he’s just having a little fun on the side.
Her: Then don’t do it for those reasons because then it’s like a power dynamic in the relationship. You should never feel that you have none and he has it all or vice versa.
Also it’s your assumption that he’s having a little fun on the side. You might just be the best thing since sliced bread and that scares the hell out of him.
Not that I’m holding out hope for that last part but she did make me realize that I have been assuming a power dynamic between us, feeling that he has all the power and I have none. I have as much power as he does, I have the ability to walk away if I want to. I don’t.
I know the score; I’m a grown woman and I am choosing to have this affair. Having half of him is not enough but having none of him would be way way worse. I don’t have any interest in being with someone else right now but I am open to the possibility of meeting someone who makes me feel otherwise.
I am making my decisions as I go and right now I choose him. Yes, I want more but that isn’t within my control – he’ll have to figure that part out on his own. I don’t care if he’s a complete dick and pulling the wool over my eyes and playing me and totally fucking me over. He is fun to talk to, I believe in him, I trust his opinion, and I really really want to keep having sex with him. Bottom line, bitches.