Written in a notebook sometime in the spring of 2010 to a female online friend

Okay. So, I’ve been throwing what you said around in my head for a couple of days and I think I’m ready to answer. Although I don’t think this is going to be something you want to hear.

It’s very important to me that I don’t judge others. I understand that we all have our own moral and ethical guidelines under which we live. I cannot questions someone else’s beliefs because I feel everyone has a right to their opinion. I didn’t talk to you before I dumped you because I didn’t want to judge you. And this is going to feel like a judgement. But you asked. I will answer.

When you first told me that you were crushing on a married man, a little red flag went up but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt that you’d only take it so far. I’d hoped that your relationship and flirting with him would give you the confidence you seemed to be lacking. I hoped he would teach you that you were worthy of a man of your own.

You might have suspected that I have a pretty strong belief system. It’s important to me and there are certain lines which I will not cross. These are lines that I expect my friends to also not want to cross – based on their own beliefs, not mine.

So when I told you the story about the married guy who kissed me, you replied that I was your hero because I made out with someone while his wife – someone I told you was a friend of mine – was in the same house.

To be honest with you, I threw up in my mouth a little when I read that. My image of you and who you were got a huge kick in the pants. I decided to let it slide, hoping that was just weird supportive girl talk – which I have never understood. Why would you support me in such a terrible deed? I could understand overlooking it, casually commenting maybe, but to say that I was your hero meant that you think it’s a good idea to screw around with a married man for real, not just flirt or play but that it was awesome that I was screwing his wife over, too. Red flag? Big. Red.

Your very next communication with me was about how you sent your very dirty story to a guy that you knew I liked. It had nothing to do with the specifics. I know you can totally justify doing it. He’s a writer, you wanted his opinion. And he’s a charismatic guy, I get it. But all I was hearing was that given half a chance, you would fuck me over too. You would have no problem stepping on me to get the admiration and adoration that you so desperately needed. No matter that I was already giving it to you myself. You couldn’t respect me and that’s not something I desire in a friend. It’s that simple.

I know, judgemental. Told you. But let’s turn the table for a moment. We told each other who our crushes were, we checked them out. How would you have felt if you knew I  actually contacted your guy. That I flirted with him even though I flirt with everyone? How about if I sent him a sexy story about apples and sex? Now, how about you were married to him and I was downstairs kissing him?

Your choices are yours. I cannot choose your path, nor do I want to tell you what to do. But I sure as hell am choosing my path and I don’t want to spend my time with someone who could fuck me over so easily. I deserve better. That’s your answer.


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