The problem is (I say that a lot lately, don’t I?) sometimes the people who take your energy are the very ones who used to give you energy.
And how fucking scary would it be to spend the rest of your life waiting for everyone to steal your energy, or make you feel wrong for having it? Especially when you were raised with the understanding that no one is allowed to see it until they really really loved you, and even them you don’t show some things.
People pretend, anyways. They say one thing and do something else. I grew up believing in everybody! Everybody! And with the absolute knowledge that they believed in me too. But people pretend. Always.
That’s what I believed. And I think I got together with men by pretending I didn’t know we were pretending. (Pssst! I know it’s hard to follow but basically I was the only one pretending!) (Know what else? I wasn’t pretending! At first.) (Yeah, I’m stoned again, bite me 😉)
I’m going to stop pretending that this is a love story. It is a friendship with the added benefit of sex. It’s fun. Maybe we’re not feeling it anymore. Maybe it has run its course. I’d be okay with that today. I want to stop being disappointed all the time. I deserve more than half a relationship. But I also deserve to have sex. I feel as though I’ve written this a dozen times before. Please bear with me, I’m slow.
Actually I recently figured out that I am kind of slow when it comes to receiving instructions. Huh.