And then

I cried, probably more than I’d like to admit, and fell asleep. He texted to ask if he could stop by quickly, and did.

He said he wanted to talk to me in person because he felt bad about cancelling today. He said he knows what we are doing is wrong but it also feels right, there is a connection between us that can’t be denied, but he would give up the physical part of our relationship if he needed to do so to salvage our friendship. 

He told me about some things his son is dealing with and there are parallels to what we have. Such as, when you have a relationship with someone and put down roots with them, it doesn’t just end. The roots would need to be torn apart and they will die and that’s not an easy thing to do to someone you care about. 

He said he keeps things separate, his relationship with her and feelings for me. He is conflicted but is just living the question until the answer appears. His kids come before anything, his work comes next and he is deeply engrained in what he does – it is a vocation, not a job, not a career.

I told him I like what we have right now, I don’t want more or less at this point. When I decided to leave Jeff it was because I felt something for Gord that I’d never experienced and, knowing it existed made me need it to seek it – whether I have it with him or with someone else, I needed to open my life to it.

I’m completely in love with this man; I didn’t tell him that but it’s obvious to the rest of us by now. That doesn’t mean I know I want to spend my life with him. I simply don’t know. I don’t know what the future holds but I like the life I’m building for myself. Miul was so excessively possessive and I let him be because I thought it eased his anxieties (not a great strategy, apparently!). Now it’s just me and I like -I need- the freedom to finally build the life I want before I let anyone else be a significant part of it. 

I feel so much better now. We haven’t talked like this in a long time and it was past due. We have things out in the open and it is good. Still would have liked to fuck him but I got to sit with him for an hour and sit on him for a bit and kiss him and touch him and bond with him and that’s a lot for one day. Value added, he texted after. I concur. 

One last thing before I go back to my movie… I cried when we cancelled our visit earlier, I cried hard and fell asleep. So when he got here to talk I had slightly puffy eyes and pillow lines in my face. I wasn’t going to let him come because of it. But I did and I’m glad. I’m naturally going to be more emotional before my period and that’s just who I am. Letting him see that a bit strengthened our bond. 

We are okay. Everything is going to be okay. 

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