I think, I am not sure…you can never be entirely sure….I am entering a new space in the sort of post-break up emotional trip. It is why I have been less communicative lately. Or posting anything too much. That last bout of sad blue hurt led me to this realization. That and a couple other things, signs and feelings. But right now for the first time I am feeling angry. Not vitriolic anger, or spiteful anger. Just righteous anger. About how things were, how they happened, how they are now. But none of it is hateful. It is just a sort of “Hey that wasn’t right” or a feeling like…Man that hurt, and I am allowed to be mad when someone hurts me.
Maybe this is the beginning of the blues and pain lessening. I really hope so…
Now let me make this clear. I am not angry at her. I still think she is one of the most amazing people I have ever known. And I still have so much love for her. I do not hate her and I doubt I ever could. I don’t even want to try. I guess my anger is more about who we are and how we couldn’t make it work. We are both human beings. flawed human beings. And for every thing I could point out about her, I can guarantee she can point out two in me. So it isn’t about who is right or wrong.
I think maybe this is the push off the rocks to start to swim across that black water…
Though, I never want to not miss her. Because she was such a big love and a good thing. And if I didn’t miss her, then it would be treating something precious as disposable. And we were not disposable. She is not disposable.
We were just two people. And life has plans for us that neither of us expected. And I never wanted.
Scary as it is…maybe this is moving on.