Things I want to say

You have commented from time to time that you are socially inept; what you probably don’t know is that I am too. I need to have things spelled out for me, to have it explained and communicated. So, forgive me if this irritates or frustrates you (just going from my past history) but I need to get it out. (Last night I told you the story of me and the guy I messed around with who married another very deliberately.)

Here goes, then…

I texted you twice today to inquire about your wellbeing but you didn’t reply either time. Earlier I assumed you were busy at work, tonight I figured you were probably staying at her house and were unable to reply; put them together, however, and I want to know if I shouldn’t ask.

The thing is – I simply don’t know. And I will never know unless I ask. I also should say that I don’t completely trust your answer anyway.

Who are you? Are you the man sitting across from me in my office? Are you the mouth on my vagina? Or are you some elusive being who is the person others want him to be? I expect you are all of the above.

I’ve never really been with someone who was easy going as I am. I’m used to intensity, this past several years I’ve gotten used to extreme emotions and erratic behaviours. 

Who are you? Is there a reason you don’t want me to know? Do you even recognize that you’re pushing me away? Are you doing it on purpose as I suspect? 

I don’t understand. I need clarity, I need communication. I can handle anything, I promise; I just need to know what I’m handling. 

You’re so hot and cold. You are so in but not really there at all. You seem a little pussy whipped and that’s not very attractive.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to think or feel. I don’t know what we are or what will become of us. And that’s okay right now but I’m starting to wonder if maybe you have some shit going on that you don’t get, too. I’m starting to wonder if the things that are holding you back have nothing to do with me at all. And that’s okay. I just don’t know which way to turn next. I love you, I love the you that I think I know. Is that the real you? How will I ever know for sure?

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