I came home in a pretty good mood today. UG promised to come over tomorrow and tickle my naughty bits, he was also there when I was leaving work so I got a couple of cheek smooches and sniffs. My vagina is wet. Anyway, seeing as he is coming tomorrow and I had a little roach left of my weekend cranky party, I decided to get a burrito, smoke some dope and have a mini-fun party for about three hours.
I need to back off this love stuff. Not that I’m going to send a big text or email again but I need to back off. The sweater I wore to his place last week is still on a shelf in my closet. It smells like him. So fucking good. (I only smelled it twice, I promise!) (I will most likely smell it again before I go to bed… foreplay for his visit tomorrow, yes?)
Anyway, I’m standing there, half dressed, rubbing this sweater up my nostrils to get the scent – like the sex crazed animal I have become lol – and a voice in my brain said “Mmmm, I love him”. But then another voice said “No you don’t, idiot.
“You love his smell, you love his smile, you love how he looks and how he sounds and the things he says and the things he does and how he loves his mom and how he talks about his kids and how he works so hard in his job and his super cool little tree house apartment. And the sex talk and his hands and when you talk to him you wish he was naked and you get really excited to know you will see him naked again. And feel the things he made you feel. And feel the fucking things he made you feel. Are you kidding me?? Yeah, you probably love him.
But you only love the parts of him that you know. And there’s a lot you don’t know about him. There has always been a moment when you got to know someone well that the tide would turn and you would make a run for it. But you never know when that moment will come – usually it goes something like everything’s great, everything’s wonderful, everything’s okay, nope time to go. The problem is you get invested too soon to see or do anything about it when it does come. You will listen to that instinct every single time for the rest of your life now. Because you ignored it when you heard it with Jeff and look what happened.
You love Gord as much as you know him and that’s just not a lot yet. Wait. Just wait. Because if you do get to know all of him and end up loving all of him, your love will be the biggest love you have ever known. Wait, because there might be a moment when you think nope, time to go and you will have to go.
Until then, however, you can totally have sex as much as he will let you. Yay!”
I’m going to be honest with you. I moved to Barrie because I loved Jeff but I loved the part of him that was available to me to know – the guy on the phone, the one writing love letters and telling everyone how much he adored me. I saw the no when I met him in person, both times before I moved here actually, and I ignored it or analyzed it away. He was hurting and I thought I could help him, I wanted save him, I wanted to be a saviour to him, I wanted to at least try. I also moved here because I believed that, even if things didn’t work out with Jeff, my next step needed to be Barrie.
Maybe it was to get to Gord. Maybe it wasn’t, though. Maybe Gord will just be like Kevin, a transitional fling that is secret and fun and hot and burns out quickly. There wasn’t a chance beyond a fling for me and Kevin; that was understood from the beginning by both of us. He was my father’s friend, he was nearly 30 years older than me; I was a child, he was getting ready to retire. That made it safe and exciting. And when it was over, I tipped my hat in thanks and went on my way.
I’m still getting to know Gord. I want him to know me and I want to know him. I want to be in his presence and observe. I want to talk to him, tell him my stories, listen to his. I like his perspective on the world and I want to know more. That will take time. And I like the slow, slow, quick, quick tempo of our relationship so far.
He seriously rocked my world in bed. I’m not even kidding. I nearly passed out, I swear to my god.
That in itself is huge. He gave me god back. Maybe that would have happened eventually anyway but somehow I have completely redefined what god is and what believing in god means to me. I want to know what believing in god means to him. (It has been so long since I believed in anything, and it feels really really good.)
I want to watch his movies and listen to his music, I want to know if he sings to himself or if he will dance with me in the kitchen. I know he is touchy, I like that. And his big bear hugs are divine. I think he likes to give them. Sometimes he seems a little apprehensive, though – I wonder why that is. I want to know.
ANYWAY, the point of this whole post was supposed to be that I don’t know all of him right now so I can’t possibly be in love with him right now. And even though a part of me wants to swear I will never trust another man again, I know I will eventually. I don’t know if it will be Gord. He is screwing around on his girlfriend, after all. Do I want to be with a man who would do that?? Yes, if he keeps screwing me the way he does, he can do whatever he wants.
And that’s the problem, whore. lol
P.S. We named my vagina Joy! Her name is Joy. Peter is going to cum see Joy tomorrow. Oh, joy Joy!