I don’t understand 

Sometimes (a lot of the time), moment to moment, things work out exactly as I want them to. For instance, Unionguy mentioned he might come over yesterday. I kind of didn’t want him to, but I love seeing him and would never let that opportunity pass. But the whole period situation and I wanted to work on my wallpaper wall and, quite frankly, that’s just who I am… I like to do my own thing sometimes. Anyway, I didn’t say anything as I tend to go with the flow but that’s what I wanted in that moment in my heart and head.

He ended up not coming over. He stopped in for a few minutes at work so I got to see him and then we texted for a while later in the evening. Exactly as I wanted. 

Even him. I want him, but not yet. I want to love him for the rest of my life – although I don’t have to and will go with the flow as I do – but we aren’t ready yet. I’m not ready and neither is he. Will I get what I want there too?

I don’t understand how it all works. I frequently get what I want (although I sometimes do give thanks for unanswered prayers!) but I always thought I was forcing it. Like,  I wanted to be with Miul so I just went ahead and made it happen. Perhaps only the right things work out without force. But maybe those other things would have too. They weren’t right forever but absolutely were right at that point in my journey.

Instinct. It’s an amazing thing. Also maybe fate or karma or kismet or whatever. I’m rambling and stone cold sober! I guess the point I’m trying to make is I really hope things fall into place with UG, in the right time for both of us. In my heart, at this very moment, I genuinely believe they will. That feels really good. I don’t need to understand, I just need to appreciate it as I go. 

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