Judgement 

I was going to start this by telling you I made an error in judgement. I was taken by an urge to look at Miul’s blog and it is so sad, so full of woe, it breaks my heart a little still. 

But that is him being him. He is sad but he does not have the desire to change that about himself. Being a victim, being bad, being at the end of his rope is his comfort zone. That is his choice. My choice is different. 

I have spent the day in quiet reflection, wondering what will happen, wondering what I want to happen, believing they could be the same thing, while at the same time filled with fear of opening up to the possibility of pain in the event they are not. 

Which is dumb. I know I can handle pain. I know if things don’t turn out as I want them to, I will find a way to make how they do turn out feel even better than what I originally wanted. I know change is inevitable. I know I can’t make someone else’s choices for them. I know I can’t manifest someone else’s destiny. 

If it is true, as Wayne Dyer says, and believing in something completely will make it happen, how can I believe completely before I know it is right? If I have this power to change my life into what I want, is that not also power to completely fuck up someone else’s life?

Have I fucked up Miul’s life? I am the reason for his pain, his pain was caused by my selfishness and putting my needs before his. 

What if UG fell for me as I want him to? What if he fell head over heels in love with me and broke up with his girlfriend and helped me fix up this house and eventually married me in the WP courtyard where I will be the manager and we bought this house and we helped people and loved each other and one day I decided I didn’t want to do that anymore and I walked away? 

What if all that happened and I allowed myself to love him completely with every single part of my being and one day I found out that he was fucking around with some chick on the side but there wasn’t penetration so it was supposed to be okay?

I want him so completely. I don’t know if I can be in his presence without touching him now. Something feels different anyway; I feel him pulling back. Even though he offered to come look at my wallpaper dilemma tomorrow, our interactions have felt different. 

Over Christmas – directly after our first real kiss – he spoke of being in a good place in his head, happy and content. We fooled around twice during the week after that, the first time like teenagers but the second time like seasoned lovers – sans penetration. The next day he said it felt too good and he thought we should pull back. He came by my work later to pick up the comb he left on my floor and during the hour long chat that ensued I caught him looking at me with that you can’t be real/bursting with feeling look he gives me sometimes. Then he went to be with his girlfriend to celebrate new years and, other than a generic best wishes text, I hadn’t heard a thing until I texted him about my wallpaper. 

I’m on my period so there won’t be any funny business. Maybe we can talk instead. Maybe I can dig a little deeper and find out where his head is at. Maybe I should pull back and let him lead/leave me if that’s what he wants to do. Maybe I should let it go and relinquish control. 

Can I relinquish control AND manifest destiny at the same time, Wayne Dyer? That’s the answer I’m really looking for in your book. Can I not know the answer yet still find it? I know the answer is yes. But I still want to stomp my feet like a school girl and scream “I want him I want him I want him!!!” until I get my way. Maybe that’s what I’ll try tomorrow if he comes over. Could work, yes?

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