Erin

I like my new friend Erin. She is the daughter of my co-worker and some kind of soul mate.

She is very confident and well spoken about her work and her family. Much less so about relationships and her past. I wonder what she sees for herself, when she looks into the future. 

I wonder how she feels about herself physically. She is beautiful in a way that is difficult to describe; traditional beauty with zest, maybe. I wonder how old she was when her parents split up. What was life like growing up? Who does she relate to? How does she treat others? 

She seems to be genuine and true. I like her and I want to get to know her better. Her new-ish new-fie boyfriend is going home on Feb 1 -15. Maybe I’ll invite her over for a glass of wine some evening while he’s away. Talk her down from the ledge, if necessary.

What would I tell her if she was sitting in front of me right now? I would tell her to practice treating herself like her own best friend. The way she talks to friends with support is how she should talk to herself. It’s not easy at first but it works!

Update: we made a date for Thursday. 

Mail

If Jeff was living here as originally planned, he would constantly make comments about the mail that comes for the lady who owns the house. Investment statements galore! And he would think it isn’t fair that they have so much and we have so little. How is it even possible? Did they all win the lottery? Why can’t I have money like that?

Because they worked hard and saved! They didn’t need rehab or recovery time, there was no alcohol or drug abuse, no furniture broken during a fight, no jail time. 

They got up every day and went to work, even when they didn’t feel like it. They refrained from buying extravagant purchases, even when they really wanted them. They held themselves to a standard, they gave to people in need, they tried and tried and tried. And they succeeded. All over the course of about 60 years. 

That’s why they have so much. You did none of those things, that is why you do not. Math.

Note to self

Do not make any hasty decisions right now. I know it feels like you can’t get ahead but the circumstances holding you back are beyond your control. Sickness at work, ex boyfriend fucking up your finances, current fucker being a fucker, stupid period messing with your guts and moods. Hang on. Hang on. And remember that the best moments usually come on the tail of the shitty ones. Hang on and find a way to get to the next best moment. Although I highly recommend staying in an intoxicated state as long as possible. (If you believed in karma, however, you’d probably have to accept that you brought this shit down on yourself by doing exactly that.)

Not love?

It might be PMS or something but I kind of feel like it’s time to shut down the feels. I’ll keep screwing him but I don’t want the cuddling on the couch/cooking dinner-type stuff. 

This isn’t a big proclamation or promise that I’ll never have feelings for him but we’ve been flirting heavily for three months and sleeping together for one. And I’m still going around like it’s some kind of storybook romance and it just isn’t. It is what it is and what it is is some dude fucking around on his girlfriend. That’s not romantic, it’s just plain shitty.  

Love?

Is this love? 

I don’t know if I would go that far. But it feels amazing to have him here. And I am sad he is gone.
Like an idiot I will spend the next few days basking in the memory, and when he calls for some more in a week or two I’ll already be halfway there. 
But, damn, he takes me beyond all the way. 
Sorry, must lay in bed and smell him now. Good night and good luck