Christmas eve in the woods

I’m with my family and I’m the only one who’s stoned so I’m paranoid that I’m talking too much and I feel like no one understands what I’m trying to say. To them I am spacey and weird. 

But then again, I have spent most of my life believing I am irritating or weird. I don’t think I am irritating and weird to everyone all the time any more, but I definitely am to some of the people some of the time. 

Everyone is. Right?

(My childhood was full of people telling me to stay out of the way. That was my “job” growing up. You want to help me? You can be a big help! Stay out of the way, okay? Go do something else.)

And my mind is going a million miles a minute and the stuff bouncing around in there needs to get out… this is good shit.

I have never felt so beautiful as when he is looking at me. And when I see myself through his eyes – based on the things he says, the smile in his eyes when we are together, the way he makes my body ache, and my heart beat faster – I realize that I am, in fact, beautiful inside and out.

I might have mentioned that I would mostly only be talking about Unionguy. He is on my mind. For a change. Lol

I miss him. I wonder if he will be sitting next to me next year. I recognize there’s no way to know right now and anything could happen – the anticipation of possibilities is my favourite part – but I sincerely,  with everything I am, hope we are together. For 30 years or more.

Last year I wouldn’t have imagined that I would not be with Miul and Gem. I didn’t know I would meet UG. I didn’t know someone like him existed. I stopped looking so long ago.

The point I’m trying to make, I guess, is that I want him to be next to me. I want this feeling to be real and I think that it is. I think he feels it too. I hope he feels it too. I hope I make him feel the way he makes me feel. Because it is amazing.

At the moment I’m sitting in the “red room” at my sister’s house. It is a little sun room off to the side of the house. It’s very quiet and outdoorsy.

Just a short break before I go sit among the chatter and noise again. My sister is making rum and eggnog; I’ve not tried it before.

UG wrote god bless in a text to me tonight and it made me do a double take. I have not believed in the god of my youth for a very long time. And therefore thought I wasn’t able to believe in god. But thinking about it today made me realize that I do believe in god, it’s just that my perception of who/what god is has changed. I like that. Now I won’t feel like a hypocrite when I say oh my god. (I can’t capitalize. My religion doesn’t believe in deities but the inate goodness of mankind and nature.
I added a few things to my bucket list today – it’s a living, ever changing thing. Check it:

Eggnog ✔

Go fishing

Eat the fish I catch

Try more new foods

Spend the night in a tree house

Feel genuinely loved

See Elton John in Las Vegas

Get all of my belongings from my sister’s house – 7 years is long enough

I am tremendously excited about my future. There is going to be a lot of love.

Merry Christmas to you and everyone you love. Peace and good will toward mankind. God bless. 🙂

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