Dammit 

Now I’m writing Dear Unionguy bullshit notes to try and make this go one way or the other. But this needs to stop. I think. Or is it the whore-moans and I’ll feel differently in a day or two? How the fuck am I supposed to know?

Yet, I know. I don’t want to let go, I don’t want to face it. But I know.

I want to say I’m an idiot for hoping anything might come from this but I don’t believe I am. I feel, I want, I hope and I try. I like that about me. But eventually I have to pull my head out of the clouds and see this for what it is. It’s been fun but it’s also frustrating because, for all the build up of feelings and desires, I have no healthy outlet. And sitting here waiting just isn’t working for me. 

Of course he’s texting and flirting and paying attention from time to time. Who wouldn’t react that way when someone is adoring you? It doesn’t mean anything beyond that, no matter how much I want it to. I thought he felt the same way but, if he does, it isn’t making a difference. And he probably doesn’t. 

What the fuck am I supposed to tell him, though? God dammit mother fucker shit balls!

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