I’m overwhelmed at the overwhelming sense of being overwhelmed I’m experiencing today. A large part of my job involves following up and reaching out and being a part of my community and, to be frank, I didn’t do any of that over the past two months. I was focused on myself, my relationship, my move, my crush, my new life and work stuff was pushed into the background. Now I am paying the price. Usually averaging about 4 move ins per month, this month I have one so far with the promise of another. And they were just flukes that anyone in this role could have done.
I had very high hopes for another success this morning. I was full steam ahead, guns blazing, enthusiastic and confident. But when I heard that they had chosen my competition/nemesis/former employer, all the fight went out of me. I felt myself just deflate, so much so that I can even see a difference in my reflection.
Today it really slapped me in the face how few healthy coping mechanisms I was taught growing up. Can’t blame my mother, it’s obvious she doesn’t know how to recognize her shit either; my dad felt everything but pushed it away or yelled it out. This is a large part of the reason why I have been attempting to re-raise myself for the past decade, to go back and fix the things they screwed up or missed. I thought I was pretty much done but there’s always something new hiding in there to slap me in the face when I least expect it.
It is a rare event that I recognize my feelings as they are happening. I basically grew up keeping everything inside and simply avoided the things I didn’t understand. When I couldn’t hide from them, I dealt with my problems by eating, drinking, smoking and crushing. The problem right now is that I’m consciously not allowing myself to avoid it. I’m taking it out and turning it around to get a good look at it. And it is fucking hard, yo. No wonder I spent a lifetime with my head in the ground, worrying about other people instead of myself.
I could say – and want to say – that I brought this shit on myself by not doing my job to the best of my abilities. But I also think I need to cut myself some slack. I went through some major life changes in the past two months and I needed to see my old coping mechanisms to recognize them once and for all. And what’s past is past, I can’t go back and do the things I neglected. All I can do is move forward with my improved self knowledge and keep trying. But can’t I just curl up into a ball and cry for a couple of days first? Please?