There is an odd little room that was built on to the house I am living in. It was originally a sewing room that I now use as my home office. Against one wall is a counter that I set up with my colouring books and crafty things. Not that I colour much these days but sometimes, if I’m bored and walking by the open book, I’ll sit down and get into it for a bit. I’ve been working on the same picture since long before I moved in. It just kinda slapped me in the face…
“Create your own Reality”
Is that what I’m doing?? Am I making up how I want things to be and acting as if they were real? Maybe he doesn’t have feelings for me at all, I just want him so bad I’m projecting my feelings onto him. Huh.
I can’t get that doggone UG out of my head. I mean, I can… I’m not obsessing, I’m getting my work done and able to dress myself and watch TV and stuff. But when there’s nothing on my mind, he is on my mind.
And this stupid physical reaction.
I’m 45 years old, not a pre-teen or something! Of course, I do still colour and pick my nose from time to time… perhaps I’m not as mature as I like to think. But still.
When I think of him, I don’t even know what to do with it. Except tell myself to shut up, I guess. He comes back to town tomorrow and that makes me so excited. I’m excited! So what? He’ll call, come to my door, tell me he ended his relationship and declare his undying love for me? I don’t want that! Because then what? I might not even like him if I get to know him. He might be a slobbery kisser, he might kick puppies, or chew with his mouth open. I don’t know him enough. All I do know is I want to know him more. And it’s ruining my fucking life!!! (lol… dramatic pre-teen emphasis there. Nice, huh?)
I think too much, don’t I? And I think too much about the fact that I think too much. I think. I don’t know; I’ll think about it.