What do I want to happen ? 

Right now? At this moment? With my eyeliner, hair curled and cleavage just so? Vagina throbbing in memory of his bedtime story? 


If this were the old me, I would text him something naughty to keep him interested. I would soon push the fact that he’s still with her and not admit to myself that it makes me want him a little more. I would lure him in until I could have sex with him. And then I’d have sex with Miul and anyone else who would have me out of spite and my own idiocy. I would cry and sob and wonder why no one ever loved me. I would drink and smoke and eat and eat and eat. Then I would make myself vomit and eat some more. Then I would tell him to stay away from me. I would push them all away and hate myself and cry my heart out. Then I’d get up and move on with my life. 

The new me thinks I’ll just skip all the drama. 

Okay. That’s fine and dandy but then what? I can’t just up and move on with my life because he is still part of it. I like getting texts from him, I like the flirt, I REALLY like seeing him and talking to him. 

My friend is coming to visit in a couple of days, I’ll be off work for a week. Then I think he’s off to some work conference thing (probably with said girlfriend). Then we’ll see. Yes? I’ll hang in there for a couple of days until I have something else to distract me and then we’ll just see what happens . 

Okay, I feel better.



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