I don’t know what will happen

I have no interest in sex texting with someone all night knowing that the next night he will be sleeping in his girlfriend’s bed.

Last night got really hot and heavy; he wanted to come over. In the moment I said no because my knees were too weak to get up and open the door. In this moment I would remind him that I have no interest in being someone’s bit on the side.

I also don’t want him to leave her for me because as time goes on I get a stronger sense that my silly crush might not translate into real life grown up stuff. I don’t know if he could handle me in bed. He seems to like it gentle and slow. Fuck me, I’d like to try it his way for once. This porn star sex I’ve been having my whole adult life isn’t working for me anymore.

One thing I do know, and the reason I started writing this post, is that I’m not going to force anything. I’m not going to make anything happen. I’m going to let life evolve as it should. The choices I make today might not be the same as the ones I make tomorrow. I’m in no rush, I can wait. I will wait. I’ll probably also keep pretend fucking him for entertainment, though. Damn I am a crazy horny woman when I’m single!

PS. Not forcing things to happen one way or another will be extremely challenging for me. That’s what I do, my life purpose and all – I make things happen. Can I stop? Can I let go? Guess I’m going to have to find a way.

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