What would I say to them now?

Karl – Thank you. Thank you for giving me a start, for teaching me that I wanted someone who cared about me. I thought that was automatic. I care so deeply that I never could imagine someone who didn’t. It was an important lesson to learn. I’m also glad I realized all that early. Things could be worse.

Fabian – Thanks. You wanted me in the way I always wanted to be wanted. I liked it. I don’t think I liked you that much, though. I loved you desperately, I obsessed and cried, but I never really liked it when you were there. I was very attracted to you, you made me laugh, you brought me places, but I was never able to accept your negative perspective of the world. And I didn’t like that you needed more than I could give you – or were you really just trying to figure out how much I would take? I let you do pretty much anything you wanted to me in the bedroom, but nowhere else. I mean after 4 or 5 years of hanging on.

Ian – Be happy. How funny is it that, in the end, I loved you more than all who had come before you. Learning to fall out of love with you was one of the best lessons in my life. Falling in was easy. I could never figure you out and I really liked that. You loved me in a way that no one had ever done. I didn’t want to fall out of love with you. Now I realize that if you kept loving me, I would have left anyway. But it was fun while it lasted, yeah?

Miul (and) (and) – Please stop texting me. Please stop trying to get me to have sex with you. Yes, I have love for you. I miss you, too. And it hurts. But you have to get through the hurt to heal. Don’t cope with it, don’t numb it out, don’t drink it away. Don’t put a ton of food on top of it to keep it down. Feel it. Accept it. Live with it. Learn from it. Strengthen because of it. Work on finding your next love, because she will be the one for you.

Unionguy – My vagina really thinks we should add you to this list of loves but the rest of me isn’t so sure yet. I like what I see, you are magnetic, but I barely know you. I’ve seen a pattern above. It’s time to change the way I do some things. We’ll see what happens. Enjoy your girlfriend and all that.

Common thread – I was always in love with the person I had made up in my head. Every time, I liked the guy better when they weren’t around than when they were. Not that they weren’t good people, I just didn’t want them interfering with the dream. Miul was the best relationship because he did that with me, too. I want to be with someone I get to know for real now, not someone jam packed with my imaginary filler. And I don’t want to be a portrait of his past, either. I want to be seen and acknowledged and equal and appreciated and loved, and then sometimes I simply want to be left alone.


[Note: for your convenience and my embarrassment, I have linked each love to the blog I wrote while with them. I’ll warn you… I was pretty dramatic. Karl time was old school pen and paper… it fell into a fire many years ago. When I threw it in.]


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