That’s systematic, bitches

The fear is real. I can be all cool and strong independent woman out living on her own with the best of them, but when I’m sitting quietly in my fuzzy pink chair in the backyard by myself in the dark and I hear the bushes shake, I’m going inside for the night. 

It was a beautiful evening, I sat down all cozy thinking I could almost sleep out here because it’s so nice and comfortable. And five seconds later I’m like — well, that was fun, gotta go. This is why I need a man or a dog in my life.

So I totally got drunk and contacted all my old boyfriends and male friends. It’s been weird. 

You know what I need to do? Work. I need to concentrate on work. The problem is that Unionguy is a part of my work. But that’s a convenient excuse. He needs to be the break, not the focus.

I want to talk to him so often, though. I want to hear his opinion. I wonder what his advice would be about some troubles I’m having at work, I want to know if he thinks the gears are slipping in my car, I want to walk down the street holding his hand. I used to want to do all of that with Miul, though. What’s different? 

Unionguy makes me feel welcome. Sometimes he tells me I look good and gives me a hug, and sometimes he just raises his eyebrows and smiles. That’s who he is, though. He shakes the old ladies’ hands and jokes with the men. He asks about their day or the family, he comments on things they mentioned the last time he saw them and listens to their response as if it interests him. And the best part is, it interests him. 

Are you kidding me? I walked into Miul’s apartment today and I was tempted to walk right back out. I even asked if the doorbell worked because neither of them greeted me. They didn’t even look in my direction.  

Miul spent the while night talking about his feelings and what he is going through but it was always about him, his pain. Unionguy says “are you okay?” and makes me cry because I’ve lived without that for so long. (Pretty much my whole life. But, no matter what else, I was always acknowledged, at the very least.)

But Unionguy is with someone else, and actively chooses to be with her every day. I don’t want to have to win him. Do I have to win him? 

I’m going to be brutally honest here, too, and tell you that Miul showed me a short video of us having sex that he found on the camera and it was a turn on but i mostly just wondered how many of those moans were fake. I couldn’t believe how open and comfortable I was with him, though. That’s what I’ve never experienced. Is that me now, though? Or is was it him/us? The only way to find out is to fuck Unionguy. I have to do it. For science. 

When I came home tonight I looked into the mirror and told me that if I want to be confident in myself, it’s up to me to become someone I am confident in. 

That has to happen first.

That’s systematic, bitches.

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