Contradiction

I always feel down after I see him. That can’t be right, can it?

Today didn’t go the way it was supposed to. I was working on my “drying out the plant” theory and it seemed to be working well. Yesterday he texted that he was coming by, I was busy and couldn’t see him, just waved hello as I walked by, then he got text flirty for a bit and we lol’d and that was done.

He was planning a birthday party for his mom today (because he’s the most adorable person ever) but I had an outreach thing I had to do for my networking group. I was all “have fun tomorrow!” and “save me some cake!” and even went so far as to ask my boss to check in on them in case there was a possible prospect or two in the mix.

Surprise, surprise, the universe decided to put us together by cancelling my thing. I got to work and he was there, blowing up balloons and prepping the room. He told me I looked good and gave me a hug, I helped with decorating until the guests arrived. Then I helped with serving a little bit. As usual, I got over enthusiastic and made myself too available so I backed off. I was really hoping he’d bring me a piece of cake so I got busy in my office.

It’s crazy how it always seems to happen but the moment I came out, he was walking toward me, on his way back to work. I got my own damn cake – lol – and walked out with him because I was going to lunch. We chatted a bit and went our separate ways.

Maybe the problem is my momentary lapse of reason, the moment I get this brilliant witty idea to send him a note… I really need to stop acting on that. I told him I had to change my panties after eating the cake because it was so good. He replied, I didn’t say anything, he texted again, I waited, then we joked back and forth flirty and that was that.

Then I started to feel really shitty. To a large degree, I think the cake didn’t agree with me. I have been eating clean for some time now and, although it was orgasmically good, my body suddenly said “um, no.” And I’m going to start my period any moment. But that feeling came back. That shitty, bummer, twisted knot in the pit of my stomach feeling, and he is with his girlfriend and I’m here by myself. Or whatever he is doing. But I’m here by myself.

That’s not so bad, really. I like me and I don’t mind spending time with me. I don’t want to be in some big relationship but I…

I need to be more patient. I need to continue on as if I were normal and see what happens. I know, I know. That’s what I’ll do because I know that’s what works but it’s not so easy in the moment. Especially when what I really want is a real orgasm, his arms around me, and maybe another piece of cake.

 

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