What would I say to them now?

Karl – Thank you. Thank you for giving me a start, for teaching me that I wanted someone who cared about me. I thought that was automatic. I care so deeply that I never could imagine someone who didn’t. It was an important lesson to learn. I’m also glad I realized all that early. Things could be worse.

Fabian – Thanks. You wanted me in the way I always wanted to be wanted. I liked it. I don’t think I liked you that much, though. I loved you desperately, I obsessed and cried, but I never really liked it when you were there. I was very attracted to you, you made me laugh, you brought me places, but I was never able to accept your negative perspective of the world. And I didn’t like that you needed more than I could give you – or were you really just trying to figure out how much I would take? I let you do pretty much anything you wanted to me in the bedroom, but nowhere else. I mean after 4 or 5 years of hanging on.

Ian – Be happy. How funny is it that, in the end, I loved you more than all who had come before you. Learning to fall out of love with you was one of the best lessons in my life. Falling in was easy. I could never figure you out and I really liked that. You loved me in a way that no one had ever done. I didn’t want to fall out of love with you. Now I realize that if you kept loving me, I would have left anyway. But it was fun while it lasted, yeah?

Miul (and) (and) – Please stop texting me. Please stop trying to get me to have sex with you. Yes, I have love for you. I miss you, too. And it hurts. But you have to get through the hurt to heal. Don’t cope with it, don’t numb it out, don’t drink it away. Don’t put a ton of food on top of it to keep it down. Feel it. Accept it. Live with it. Learn from it. Strengthen because of it. Work on finding your next love, because she will be the one for you.

Unionguy – My vagina really thinks we should add you to this list of loves but the rest of me isn’t so sure yet. I like what I see, you are magnetic, but I barely know you. I’ve seen a pattern above. It’s time to change the way I do some things. We’ll see what happens. Enjoy your girlfriend and all that.

Common thread – I was always in love with the person I had made up in my head. Every time, I liked the guy better when they weren’t around than when they were. Not that they weren’t good people, I just didn’t want them interfering with the dream. Miul was the best relationship because he did that with me, too. I want to be with someone I get to know for real now, not someone jam packed with my imaginary filler. And I don’t want to be a portrait of his past, either. I want to be seen and acknowledged and equal and appreciated and loved, and then sometimes I simply want to be left alone.

 

[Note: for your convenience and my embarrassment, I have linked each love to the blog I wrote while with them. I’ll warn you… I was pretty dramatic. Karl time was old school pen and paper… it fell into a fire many years ago. When I threw it in.]

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The wish lie

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You know they lied to you when they taught you to make wishes on your birthday cake every year, don’t you? I just realized it and, frankly, I’m disappointed. Perhaps they were trying to protect us. Perhaps they didn’t know any better. That’s no excuse.

When you make a wish on your birthday cake, what is the most important rule of all? Don’t tell, right?

The rules, in order, are:

  1. close your eyes,
  2. make a wish, and
  3. blow out all your candles.
  4. And don’t tell anyone what you wished because it won’t come true.

Do you not think that actually telling people what you wish for would greatly increase the odds of it coming true? I say tell everyone!

You want a hundred dollars? Tell someone who will buy you a scratch ticket, or give you $100. You want someone to notice you? Say hello, stand out. Tell people you’ve known your whole life, tell people you meet in the street (probably don’t lead with it when you’re running into people as you walk through a busy intersection).

Say it, wish it over and over, the more you say it the more you will realize you mean it, and you will find a way to make it happen. Or you’ll find someone who will help you make it happen. When you stop saying it you will realize it’s not your wish anymore. Always find something new to wish for, though. That’s very important.

I think it’s time to change the rules.

I just asked Unionguy to visit me tomorrow. Told him he couldn’t have any of my cake, though. Because I don’t share chocolate cake. (And it’s at my house and he won’t come here. That too.)

Winner

The hardest part about life when I first left Karl was the loneliness. We had lived together for 5 years and my life revolved around his. We were busy when he said we had something to do, we stayed home when he said we’re staying home, we ate what he wanted to eat and we had sex on the rare occasion that he wanted to have sex. 

I really liked doing all the things he wanted to do because I just wanted to be doing. Eventually I started wanted to do things that I wanted to, and although I wanted to do those things with him, he only wanted to do things he wanted to do. (I may have just described every relationship I’ve ever had.)

So I went off to do the things I wanted to do and left him free to do the things he wanted to do. I found out shortly after that one of the things he wanted to do was his friend Jenny. Then I wanted to do everyone. Then I kind of did. (It was super fun!)

I had a crush on a guy  I’d met at a concert about a month before I was single (and by “met” I mean “made out with”). Unfortunately by the time we got back in touch he was already off the market. He invited me to a party he and his roommates were having. And I proceed to have (apparently very loud) sex with my crush’s very hot friend.

A couple of days later the third roommate called and asked if I wanted to get together. He seemed nice so I said sure why not and invited him over. While we were hanging out I got the sense that he figured I screwed around with both of his roommates so I was a sure thing. Which I pretty much was but I wasn’t going to serve it up on a silver platter. He would only get it if he worked for it. He wasn’t smooth enough to understand how to get into a girl’s pants without buying her a bunch of stuff first. So innocent. Anyway, I had other plans for this guy.

I told him he could stay over but that I didn’t want to have sex. He left at the crack of dawn the next day, just as I’d hoped he would. I figured he went home and high fived his roomies that they all three had bagged the same babe. (Or, if he didn’t outright tell them, I don’t doubt for a moment that he let them assume we had sex.) I didn’t care. I screwed my chances with my crush when I forced him to listen to me having sex with his best friend, and the best friend was way too cute for me sober. I wanted number three dude to tell his friends whatever he wanted – it didn’t matter to me because I got what I wanted. As I said, I was lonely, so I wanted someone to cuddle with for the night without having to suck his penis first. I win. =D

Help in the form of a quote

When I was redecorating my condo the first time, I had a great idea to stencil a quote on my bedroom wall. I wanted a verse or lyric that I would see first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I wanted words that meant something to me, something that would make me think. I was intent on changing my life and I thought this was a good way to motivate myself. 

The quote I chose was: Happiness, not in another place but this place… not for another hour but this hour. – Walt Whitman

2006-19

A temp at work made fun of me when she overheard me talking about it. “Can you believe that? What kind of person needs to write a note on the wall to remind themselves to be happy?” But I liked it (and I was the boss so she wasn’t invited back =D). My morning affirmation made me happy. It made me happy enough to realize that the closed mindedness of others was a reflection of who they were and had nothing to do with me. And she was nowhere near who I wanted to be, so her opinion being so different than mine also made me happy. Not for another hour but this hour.

I turned 35 a few days before that picture was taken. I had achieved everything I set out to do. I had responsibility in my job, I liked the people I worked with and was making more money than I had even considered making, I had my own home, a great car, a man who loved me. I also worked 60+ hours a week, I was constantly frustrated and stressed, I ate junk because I didn’t have time to prep anything better, my only indulgence was to go to a movie and turn off my phone for two hours every Friday afternoon. And I spent too much money on more junk, more stuff, more more more. And yes, I had to write a note on my wall to remind me to be happy. Actually it was to remind me to be happy now, it reminded me to try. It worked.

The next time I redecorated the condo my life was very different. I liked it even better. 

It was: Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. – Confucius

2008-16

This picture was taken one month after I quit my job. I had moved back to my condo about six months before after my attempt to live with the man I was with when I had the blue walls. My happiness didn’t wain but life wasn’t turning out as I’d planned. I loved a man who loved me completely but we could not communicate, we lived on very different plains, we could not live together. 

I started having fun with the idea of “falling” and getting back up. I started looking for opportunities to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I redecorated my condo and had an absolute blast, planning and matching and ordering. I custom designed my closet, I had my sofa, desk, and bedroom suite custom made in a style I liked in the colour I wanted. I bought everything from scratch – if you look at pictures of my condo at that time and this there will not be a duplicate – apart from some beloved artwork- and I loved it.

A year later, when everything was complete and exactly how I wanted it, I sold it and moved into a basement suite a few miles away. I didn’t take a picture there but my quote was:

Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you’ll land among the stars! – The Internet

Cheesy, I know, but it was a short term rental so I had to by one off the shelf. What can I say, poverty was rough. But I was still happy, and the move was another challenge, another push out of my comfort zone. Then I pushed myself out of the province to my sister’s, then to my parent’s house in another province for two years to help during dad’s last days and beyond (a.k.a. so far out of my comfort zone I nearly lost sight of it completely!), then another push to Ontario, to try my hand at the love thing one more time.

I pushed myself again recently, as regular readers know very well, and this is the first time I’ve lived alone and had the opportunity to paint a new stencil on my bedroom wall. Now I just have to figureout what I want it to say.

What help do I need that I can get in the form of a quote/note on the wall to remind me? I’m happy, I beleive in the moment; I’m not afraid of a challenge and push myself out of my comfort zone routinely, when I fall I believe without a doubt that I will rise again; and I’m perfectly content among the stars, but if I’m still planning to reach the moon some day.

As you can tell, this quote has a lot of pressure riding on it. I’m going to have to think on this.

 

 

S

That’s systematic, bitches

The fear is real. I can be all cool and strong independent woman out living on her own with the best of them, but when I’m sitting quietly in my fuzzy pink chair in the backyard by myself in the dark and I hear the bushes shake, I’m going inside for the night. 

It was a beautiful evening, I sat down all cozy thinking I could almost sleep out here because it’s so nice and comfortable. And five seconds later I’m like — well, that was fun, gotta go. This is why I need a man or a dog in my life.

So I totally got drunk and contacted all my old boyfriends and male friends. It’s been weird. 

You know what I need to do? Work. I need to concentrate on work. The problem is that Unionguy is a part of my work. But that’s a convenient excuse. He needs to be the break, not the focus.

I want to talk to him so often, though. I want to hear his opinion. I wonder what his advice would be about some troubles I’m having at work, I want to know if he thinks the gears are slipping in my car, I want to walk down the street holding his hand. I used to want to do all of that with Miul, though. What’s different? 

Unionguy makes me feel welcome. Sometimes he tells me I look good and gives me a hug, and sometimes he just raises his eyebrows and smiles. That’s who he is, though. He shakes the old ladies’ hands and jokes with the men. He asks about their day or the family, he comments on things they mentioned the last time he saw them and listens to their response as if it interests him. And the best part is, it interests him. 

Are you kidding me? I walked into Miul’s apartment today and I was tempted to walk right back out. I even asked if the doorbell worked because neither of them greeted me. They didn’t even look in my direction.  

Miul spent the while night talking about his feelings and what he is going through but it was always about him, his pain. Unionguy says “are you okay?” and makes me cry because I’ve lived without that for so long. (Pretty much my whole life. But, no matter what else, I was always acknowledged, at the very least.)

But Unionguy is with someone else, and actively chooses to be with her every day. I don’t want to have to win him. Do I have to win him? 

I’m going to be brutally honest here, too, and tell you that Miul showed me a short video of us having sex that he found on the camera and it was a turn on but i mostly just wondered how many of those moans were fake. I couldn’t believe how open and comfortable I was with him, though. That’s what I’ve never experienced. Is that me now, though? Or is was it him/us? The only way to find out is to fuck Unionguy. I have to do it. For science. 

When I came home tonight I looked into the mirror and told me that if I want to be confident in myself, it’s up to me to become someone I am confident in. 

That has to happen first.

That’s systematic, bitches.

?

I spent the afternoon with Miul and Gem. Actually brought her over here for a few minutes to see how she was feeling about it all. I didn’t talk to her about the breakup but I just wanted to see her reaction to my asking in a casual way and then seeing how she reacted to the house.

“You made my bedroom – what was going to be my bedroom – into a work out room? That’s cool.”

Definitely a pass for her spending time. 

Spent the evening eating pizza and watching Sausage Party with Miul. He tried to have sex, of course. But he also told me that he doesn’t want anyone else, he wants me. That he’s never felt a home before he was with me. We cried. He talked about us going to counselling together. Not now, maybe. But maybe in the future. 

Those are words. 

You sell me with your words, I thought as he spoke. Let’s see. 

I did a panty check when I got home. Yep, tingling was present. I could say that was just a physical reaction. 

Maybe we should date and get to know each other the way we didn’t get a chance to the last time. Maybe he’ll realize we aren’t meant to be together. Maybe I’ll realize we are. 

Unionguy is staying in the picture, though. I’m not having sex with either one of them or anyone else until I get this shit figured out. At some point I will know which way to go. 

I think it’s away from Miul. I really do. 

Is what just fucking happened exactly what I didn’t want to happen tonight? Dammit. 

No. 

I don’t think so.

IDK

Staying at my sister’s tonight. I woke this morning to Unionguy’s several hilarious texts of fun games our residents could play, including ‘Champagne walker races’ and ‘Mother may I… wrap a bun in a napkin and take it from the dining room.’

What a wonderful way to start the day… giggling. Then I drove nearly four hours to get here through the most amazing Ontario fall landscapes. 

While I was driving I thought about how much I enjoy not knowing what will happen between us. I don’t worry about a delay in replying to a message because I have absolutely no idea what is happening in his day. I love not knowing when I’ll see or hear from him because it makes contact such a wonderful surprise. I’m glad I don’t know what the future holds because it means the most amazing possibilities have yet to transpire. 

Then, now, sitting on this bed in the dark I wonder. Will he ever be here with me? Will he play the major role in my life as I hope or will he never want me the way I want him?

As much as I don’t want these answers yet, I get impatient and wish I could move closer to them. Truth be told, more than anything else, I want to touch and be touched by him. I want that so much.

For now I’ll continue forward, trusting that my life will unfold as it should and intending for him to someday be a part of it. Until I know differently, that is what I want and that is what in will concentrate my energies on. Intention, to live forward with possibility and hope. That’ll do for now.

Limitless 

Limitless is my favourite movie.  I have watched Bradley Cooper standing on that ledge dozens of times and, no matter how many times I’ve seen it, it always makes me feel good somehow. 

The book was okay, it was fine. On its own, the book was a good read and hard to put down. They are different even though they’re the same.

It’s the movie that I keep going back to. I just can’t seem to get enough of that damn movie.  

We shall see?

Oh, yeah, about two hours later he texted. He was in to see his mom, should he stop by? His mom, schmom! Do you know that since I told him about my feelings for him on October 3rd I have seen or spoken with him every single day except three (2 Sundays and Thanksgiving holiday)?? Do you know that before I told him about my feelings for him I used to see him about once, maybe twice a week? Sometimes not even that often. Yeah. Oh yeah.

The first thing he said when he came into my office, referring to the sexy story he texted me the other night, was “the book is usually better than the movie, you know.” Sometimes, yes… but when the movie has lips and a penis? I’m gonna start melting butter for my popcorn, thankyouverymuch. =D

My boss and coworker know all about the big crush now. When they saw him walking toward the desk/offices they came running in to tell me. Yeah, I know. Then it’s all OMG, he totally likes you too, blah blah blah and shut up he’ll hear you, because apparently we’re all 12. I thought it was just me.

After he left my boss was saying how obvious I was, smiling at him and laughing at his stories. I had left the door open even though I have always closed it – I didn’t want them to think there was something sexy going on, I also didn’t want something sexy (read: inappropriate) going on. Not in my office. Anywhere else, maybe.

So dumb. But fun.

Tomorrow I head to my super awesome sister’s house and let the plant dry out a little. As if he’ll notice. Maybe he’ll notice.

Yep, I’m 12. Actually, I’ll be 45 on Friday next week.

And I gots me a great big huge mother frickin crush.

Intention.

The rest of the story

We said good night after that. My last post, even after good night was “You can’t possibly be that good in real life. Tell me you aren’t so I can sleep soundly.” The next morning he said “Not even close” and I said “lol… good. =D”. And that was our last interaction. Yesterday at 7:40am.

That was quite intense, and far beyond our agreed upon respectable friendship limit. I didn’t expect to hear from him for the rest of the day yesterday, but hoped. I don’t expect to hear from him today, but hope. I’m going to my sister’s tomorrow, Friday. Will he try to come see me? Or is he running in the other direction?

I feel bad that he might be feeling bad. But what I really want him to be feeling is confusion. I want him to be thinking of me, to see that he doesn’t want to be with her, that he hasn’t been happy in a very long time. And that there is nothing wrong with searching for happiness with someone new.

He thinks he’s a “gong show” at relationships. He thinks it’s easy for me to fall but harder to fly. He thinks a lot.

I don’t think about anything but him.

I won’t approach first, though. At least not yet. I want to see what happens. Even if what happens is he never speaks to me again. I’m not going to force this. He has to come to me. He knows I’m here.

Of course, this resolve could change at any weak moment. And there are several.

We’ll see.

We shall see.